My demons from the past and yours
by EonaDGM
Summary: Allen is 17, living on the streets and after a rape, left pregnant. After a gambling night gone wrong, he gets injured. But to his luck an old friend finds him collapsed and takes him in. But Kanda has his own problems and traumas as the younger boy discovers. Can the two help each other or is it too late? Yullen, mpreg; dark themes like self-harm; full warning inside
1. That's me

**Hello everyone,**

 **this is the other story I promised in 'Just to feel alive'.**

 **I know the plot is not unlike Jtfa but it's a completely different setting. This is a total AU.**

 **Alright, WARNINGS: where to start? violence, self-harm, kind of character death, mentions of suicide and rape, shounen-ai/yaoi (though no lemons, M rated because of the other reasons and I'm paranoid) and obviously mpreg**

 **I hope I forgot nothing. Probably some OOC for Kanda too.**

 **Alright, you were warned for all of that. Who doesn't like any of that, simply click away. There are enough other stories on this site.**

 **For those who are still here, I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Disclaimer: Even in the new story, I still don't own DGM. Surprise ^^'**

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London, 5:47 in the morning, in a small road close to the centre

Soft but cold mist drifts between the building walls. It is still cold these days, it's only February after all. The various night clubs and play saloons have just closed, the last workers are still cleaning. On the other hand, cafés are opening, every shop doing daily business. Waiters cleaning tables, the delicious smell of fresh bread coming from three streets ahead. At this time of the day the streets are still silent, only very few people bustling around.

But the tranquil quiet is broken by hard retching sounds. Barely anyone turns to look where they come from, assuming it is only a drunk who didn't make it home.

Well, hey there, that's me. The one making these sounds. Not voluntarily of course. And before you ask, no, I'm not drunk. Not in the slightest and never been. So yeah, the people's assumption is wrong.

Who I am? Oh sorry, I didn't present myself. Not that there is much to be proud of. My name's Allen Walker, I'm 17 years old. And well, you might have guessed it, I live on the streets. Surely not a nice life. But what else can I do. My adoptive family threw me out because I refused to join their dubious businesses. Then I lived with Cross Marian, my master as I call him, for about one year and a half. Not a pleasant time either. He was permanently drunk and sleeping around, making me pay for his depts. Luckily I learned how to cheat at poker during that time. That helps me now to get money, for the huge amount of food I need due to my fast metabolism (or whatever I have). To be precise I was already abandoned by my birth parents because I have natural white hair and a black arm. To add to it, I acquired a scar on my forehead in the last years.

Oh, you want to know why I'm throwing up like crazy even though I didn't drink any alcohol. No, I'm not sick either. At least not exactly. It's called morning sickness. I'm pretty sure you have already heard of it. Yes, the one that occurs during pregnancy. Yes, that means I'm with child, that's true, I am. How? do you ask now because I'm a boy. Well, I don't really understand myself. That's something that started to occur in the past years all over the world. There were less and less girls born. For that males started to appear, who could bear children as well. They are called mamorunin. And yeah, apparently I am one of them. Thank you very much! I am bi, okay, I give you that but that didn't mean I wanted to bear children! And for sure not getting one before becoming 18, for goodness' sake! From my words you might have guessed that this is an unwanted pregnancy. And I don't even have a lover I can blame for not being careful enough. I haven't ever had a relationship. Well, yeah, I was raped. I hate to talk about it, but that happens on the streets.

How far along I am now and what I'm planning to do? Well, I'm around three months along. The other question is more difficult. I am a pretty kind-hearted person, so I couldn't bear to abort the child and kill an innocent live. That means I will carry it to terms, but after that I will have to give it up. I can't look after a baby while living on the streets so it will be given to adoption. It's the best way and I know it.

So at the moment all that damned child is doing is causing me problems. I have to throw up every morning, could basically sleep all the time and it makes me eat even more. I even passed out some times already, which is very dangerous out here. I don't want to go to any official office either because I don't want to be found by my adoptive family nor by the police who want to question me about said family, the Noahs.

I groan when I'm finally finished with vomiting. I wipe my mouth and walk over slowly to a small park. There I sit myself on a bench and lean back exhausted. Closing my eyes, I think back to happier times.

After I was abandoned by my biological parents at the age of two I was taken in by Mana. He became my father but also the reason I'm stuck with the Noahs now. We moved to Japan when I was five. I went to school there. Sadly Mana died when I was twelve but for some time the Noahs just let me continue my life like I wanted. Until I became fourteen. Then I fled from them. But the time from elementary on was most likely one of the best times I ever had. No one bullied me and I had good friends. Four to be exact. One girl and three boys. The girl had green-black hair and violet eyes and would scold us boys when we would fight, but she was really nice. One of the boys was an energetic red head with one green eye and an eyepatch over the other. He was a very cheerful person and tended to get on some of our nerves. The second boy I knew the least, he had brown hair and dark, warm eyes. He smiled to everyone and looked after his friend. The last one though I remember the clearest. That jerk! He always called me moyashi! I'm not a beansprout, he's just too stupid to remember my name! But he was unfriendly to nearly everyone, even though deep down he cared a lot about all of us. He had blueish-black hair, relatively long, and piercing black eyes with a dark blue tint. Linali Li, Lavi Bookman, Alma Karma and Yuu Kanda. I miss them, I do, but I wasn't able to contact them since I had to disappear three years ago.

Suddenly I shoot up. Just as I thought about Kanda's dark hair I saw a long ebony ponytail swish past some bushes on the other side of the meadow in front of me. No, it can't be, can it? He wouldn't be here. He has Alma back home and why would he be in London exactly. Surely not because I'm here, I'm not that lucky. But I can't stop myself from standing up and walking over. When I peek around the green I only see a person disappearing in the shadows of the trees towards the exit of the park. I hurry after him, but when I get out the figure is already disappearing into the people in the streets now getting more. I frown, trying to find a clue. But I can't spot anything. So I only sigh and turn, deciding that I only imagined it, because I was thinking about my old friends.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I know it's short, but it's only the first chapter after all (the Prolog if you want to see it like that).**

 **Hope you liked it and please review!**

 **Next chapter, next weekend, see you then.**

 **Update 16-7-16: Sorry I left that Explanation bracket in the Story. I didn't mean to.**

 **It belongs in the comment:**

 **Japanese: mamoru - Support/protect**

 **nin - human**


	2. Someone help me!

**Hello everyone,**

 **thanks for the reviews as usual.**

 **Disclaimer: Still nothing changed.**

* * *

The next week passes slowly. It got really cold again, hopefully that will pass soon. I am freezing every night. But at the moment I don't have the money to buy a warmer jacket than the worn out black coat I own. I am afraid it might affect the baby but I can't do anything against it. Gambling for money is not going well either. So tonight I decided to go to a club I usually don't visit because the criminality is high around there, but I can get far more money there than where I usually play and I desperately need it.

It's half past ten in the evening and I'm standing in front of the doors. I take a deep breath, pushing them open. Immediately a hard smell of alcohol and smoke assaults my nose making it scrunch up in disgust. I try to ignore it and walk over to one of the tables. Fortunately they don't care whether you're a minor here. I sit down and throw a fake smile into the round. Let the game begin!

Some hours later I have successfully cheated over two thousand pounds out of the other players. By now it is close to four in the morning and I'm dead tired. Staying up that long is exhausting to begin with but it is draining me more than the others. So I take my money and head out, slightly swaying when a dizzy spell hits me at one time. I step into the cold morning air, taking a deep, refreshing breath. Unfortunately I don't notice one of my former adversaries standing up and following me outside. I walk some streets ahead and then stop, leaning against the wall, to count the money I made tonight. Suddenly I hear a voice behind me.

"See, who we have here! The little cheater content over his win!"

I shoot around at the sneering sound. My eyes widen in fright when I see a group of men standing there, grinning evilly. One of them stands out. Expensive suit, hair gelled back, jewellery and a round face. Imagine your cliché mafia boss and you know what I mean. I remember playing against him and him getting pretty angry after losing money to me. Behind him are four bulky looking guys. I straighten myself up, one arm unconsciously trailing over my stomach.

"What do you want?"

"My money back," the mafia boss smirks.

"No, I won it. It's mine now," I answer, trying to appear brave.

"You cheated!" he hisses, "You are a dirty cheater! The money doesn't belong to you!"

"I didn't!" I defend.

But before I can say more a new dizzy spell hits me, the cold, malnourishment and lacking sleep finally getting to me. My body is demanding what he needs. And he does it now. Shit! I curse my bad luck again. Of all moments it had to be now!

"Heh, what is this? You sick, cheater?" the other teases.

"I'm not sick," I groan out, working on keeping on standing straight.

"Doesn't really matter. You're weak. So it would be better for you to just hand the money over."

"I won't! I rightfully won it!" I growl out, ignoring the momentary black seeping into my peripheral vision.

"It was by no way rightful!" he yells, then points to me, "Okay, you got your chance. Now we're going to simply take it ourselves! Get him!"

He shouts and the four henchmen run towards me. I shake my head to keep the world from spinning. To say I go down without a fight would be wrong. I manage to actually knock out one of them. But there are still three left. And even though normally I'm a really good fighter as weakened as I'm now I can't do much. Soon I'm on the floor, my head spinning and my sight blurring.

"That's where a dirty cheater like you belongs," the evil voice of the boss taunts again, "On the ground. In the dirt of the street."

I cringe when the wetness of the floor under me starts to soak my clothes. My head hurts and I have a hard time keeping my eyes focused. Suddenly a kick in my back lets me give out a shout. An evil laugh resounds through the street.

"That's what you deserve for cheating, you bag of shit!"

Countless hits and kicks rain down on my whole body. Desperately I try to shield my abdomen, but it only barely works. So it doesn't take long until I start coughing up blood. The red liquid is also soaking my white hair from a wound on my head and I have some bleeding scratches on my hands. I groan and am fighting to at least keep consciousness. The boss, seeing that, gives a malicious grin. He grabs all the money I had and gives me a last kick right in the face, effectively breaking my nose. Then he turns away and walks to the bigger street with his henchmen.

"That should teach you, cheater!"

And with that he is gone. I groan, not being able to make any other sound, and cough again, some blood spluttering on the ground. I lay there for what seems like an eternity to me, not being able to move. My whole body hurts. But I can't keep laying here. It will only make everything worse. So under a lot of pain I manage to lift myself onto my feet, using the next wall for support. I am panting hard and shaking from cold and pain. Carefully I make steps forward and cry out because of the pain. Nonetheless I pull myself together and force my body to continue walking. Where exactly, I don't know. I just know that I can't keep laying there. I'm only doing step by step, maybe also in the hope that someone notices my state and helps. But my hopes are disappointed when I reach the end of the small alley I was in. Even on the bigger street, no one seems to care, they only walk past me. It's still not the best part of town after all. I am moving forward like in a trance.

But not after long I can feel my legs finally giving away under me, my vision blurring beyond recognition. A sharp pain shoots through me from my abdomen. Shit! Then suddenly I hear a surprised shout.

"Moyashi?!"

I try to rip my eyes back open. There was only one person who ever called me that. But it can't be him, can it? Please let this not be some kind of hallucination. After a moment I see a blurry figure entering my field of vision. He is running towards me but I'm too exhausted to distinguish his face. I try to say something but exactly at that moment my legs decide that they had enough and collapse. I brace myself for the hit on the ground, closing my eyes.

But it never comes. Instead I feel two strong arms catching me. I sigh at feeling safe for once. I force my eyes back open, but all I can see is a blur of pale skin and dark hair. Though I can distinct the piecing gaze he's giving me, the deep orbs showing surprising concern.

"Oi, moyashi! Moyashi, is that really you? What the fuck have you done to yourself?"

His deep voice, always able to calm me down sounds and I feel happy for the first time in years even despite the pain. But that only works until another ripple of pain from my stomach erupts through me, but I don't have the energy to shoot up and crouch myself together, only let out a whimper.

"God, moyashi. I'm taking you to a hospital! Immediately!"

He lifts me up, carrying me bridal style in his arms, but I grip his shoulder.

"N-No…" I weakly force out.

"What?"

"N-No hospital, p-please…"

"But you need medical treatment!"

"Pl-please…"

I plead him not to force me into a hospital. I hate doctors more than anything. I can't directly say why though. Maybe because of the accident of Mana. He looks at me for a moment, then curses.

"Fine! I'm taking you to my home! But if you get any worse, you're bloody going to hospital! And no fucking discussion, moyashi!" he growls.

I smile slightly, letting out a whimper when another wave of pain washes over me. It takes my consciousness away. In the last moment I see his features sharp for only a second, marred slightly with concern. Then everything goes black.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Hope to see you next time and please review.**


	3. Reunion with a friend

**Hello everyone,**

 **4 exams down, 3 to go. Yay! ^^' But now come the least pleasant ones.**

 **Anyway, here is the next chapter. Thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't even try.**

* * *

The next time I wake up, I don't even want to open my eyes. My whole body is sore and it feels like I can't even move a finger without feeling pain. At least the hard pain from my abdomen has disappeared. And what counts more, for once I'm not cold. It's actually comfortably warm. It feels like there is a thick blanket over me and no cold wind is blowing. I sigh in contentment. But then it dawns on me that where I live it would never be as comfortably warm as this.

So I rip my eyes open, shocked. What happened? Sorry, for being so slow, but hey, I just got a really bad beating. What I see though surprises me. I am in a room I don't recognize. It's dark, the curtains are closed, but from what I can see there is a desk with a chair in this room, a dresser and the bed I'm laying on. The bed itself is made out of wood, nothing special, but with a warm blanket, sending me practically to heaven as I can't remember the last time I had such a blanket. Carefully as not to move my injured body too much I snuggle closer into the material.

For a moment I simply enjoy the (at least for me at the moment) luxury, then I turn to the important questions running through my head. Where am I? What is going to happen to me? How did I get here? Who treated my injuries? Did nothing happen to the child? and most of all What happened? Okay, let's take this one for one. Where am I? In an unknown room. Where exactly I don't know as I would have to move to find out and it doesn't feel like I can. What is going to happen to me? No idea, but regarding my injuries got treated I hope nothing bad. How did I get here? Apparently someone carried me here, the same person who treated me, but who I don't know. I'm not sure whether something is wrong with the child, it doesn't hurt, but I can't feel anything either. Practically no information, just great. Anyway What happened? My memory from the time after I left the casino is pretty blurry, I don't remember much. Only someone beating me, then leaving, moving under great pain until collapsing. Wait, then there was a person. Who? Pale skin and dark hair, a man. Suddenly a word shoots through my head 'moyashi', beansprout. Right, the man back then, I thought it was my old friend Kanda. But I guess this was only a dream. Kanda is no one who would just pick a person from the streets and for sure not me, we did nothing but fight in the old days. On top of that he lives in Japan and here is London.

Suddenly I hear the door creak and as it opens light floods in and I hurriedly have to close my eyes, because it burns. I groan unwillingly and hear silent steps coming closer and suddenly this deep, for me calming, voice sounds again.

"Oi, you awake, moyashi?"

I force my eyes open again in disbelief. Am I still dreaming? This would be way too good for my usual luck that it is really Kanda who found me. But when I look around I spot a dark figure standing next to my bed, arms crossed and his typical frown on the face.

"K-Kanda?" I croak out.

For a moment his face relaxes and he sits himself on the bed.

"So it's really you, moyashi."

I smile at him, taking a better look. He has grown pretty tall, he was always way taller than me, but now the difference is even more, unfair. His hair is longer as well. Back then it only was around chest length now it supposedly reaches further than his waist. It's bound in a high ponytail with two strands framing his face. I don't know whether it's the darkness in the room but it looks to me like it more or less lost the blueish tint I found so fascinating and is now completely black. His features are still fine cut, but they seem harder than I remember, colder with a sad hint if you ask me. His eyes are still these dark, deep pools, ranging from a dark blue to black with a silver tint, depending on the light and his feelings. He looks strong and defined muscles are visible under his shirt. For some reason his presence makes me feel safe.

He is still staring at me. And I don't really know what to say so I settle on thanking him first.

"You were the one, who brought me here and helped me, weren't you? Thank you very much, Kanda."

"Yes, I was. What the fuck happened to you?"

I fidget a bit but before I can answer a coughing fit shakes me. I try to catch my breath but choke instead. Suddenly I feel hands under my back, sitting me upright, so I can breathe better. I am panting when I'm finished. I hear Kanda sigh then he leans me against the back of the bed.

"Wait a moment, moyashi." With that he stands up and walks out of the room again.

I don't even have the energy to argue over this hated nickname. I simply close my eyes until I hear the door creak again and the raven comes in with a tray in his hands. He walks over to the bed and sets it on the nightstand. He takes a cup from it and turns to me.

"Drink this. It will help," he orders and shoves it in my fingers.

I do my best but my hands are shaking. I hear him groan and then warm hands wrap around my smaller ones, stabilizing the cup. I blush but thanks to that am able to drink the liquid, which I guess is some kind of herb tea, without problems even though it tastes awful. When I set it down I am met with Kanda's cold stare.

"And now talk, moyashi. What the hell happened? And why the fuck did you disappear three years ago only for me to find you fucking collapsing on the streets of London?"

I smile sadly, "Sorry, Kanda. That I had you worry."

He snorts, "Less me, but the others became fucking unbearable after you left."

I smile again, just the old Kanda, never admitting to care.

"Well you see, you remember my adoptive family?"

"The stupid Noahs?"

"Yeah, they have some… let's say pretty dubious business. And they wanted me to join in but I refused. So I ran away."

"Che, baka moyashi."

I pout a bit, "BaKanda, my name is Allen, even after three years."

"Che"

"By the way what are you doing here? I thought you lived in Japan…"

"Che, had to get away from the crazy old man. And I got a job here."

"Oh, are the others here as well?"

"No"

Would he kindly say more? "Where are they?"

"No idea"

"What do you mean? Kanda, tell me, I miss them too you know."

"Che, you were the one who fucking disappeared, moyashi!"

"I know and I'm sorry. But could you please tell me where they are so I can maybe contact them to tell them I'm alive as well?"

"Che, I don't know where exactly they are myself either."

"Why not?"

"Linali became a journalist and is at the moment researching somewhere I don't bloody remember but without mobile contact. And the baka usagi is on some stupid world journey with the old Panda."

Oh, okay. So Lavi is really following his grandfather and now they are doing their research for whatever they do. Now I know about Lavi and Linali, but I still miss Alma. He was Kanda's best friend back then. They were inseparable. Why isn't he saying anything about him? I thought he maybe would have come here with Kanda.

"Thanks. But, uhm, you didn't tell me where Alma is…"

He stiffens and averts his eyes. I get an uneasy feeling when he simply keeps silent.

"Kanda? Where is Alma?"

"Alma is…" he starts in a silent voice.

"He's dead."

I freeze. This a thing that I never would have expected. I was okay with never seeing my friends again, but that was because I ran away and not because someone died. I look over to Kanda. His gaze is turned away, his body tense and the fists clenched. It must have been hard for him. He and Alma were best friends ever since they were small. When he was angry the brunette was the only one who could calm him down. They were like brothers. So I reach out a hand, ignoring the aching, to lay it on the raven's shoulder.

"I'm really sorry, Kanda. If I may ask, what did happen?"

He casts me a brief look and I can see the sadness and hurt displayed in these deep orbs. Then he turns around again and speaks with a low voice.

"An accident. It was a bit more than a year after you disappeared."

Not even two years back.

"The damned usagi forced a party on me, because I won the International Junior Championship in Kendo. Alma had something to do, so he said he would come later. He never showed up. On the way there, he was hit by a car. The driver was drunk and overlooked him on the bike. They could bring him to the hospital alive and the surgery seemed successful. But four days later he died of internal bleeding."

I don't know what to say. I only silently listen. I have the impression Kanda feels guilty over it even though he isn't in the slightest. Then he suddenly straightens up and shoots around.

"Because it wasn't fucking enough that you disappeared back then. No, we had to fucking lose Alma as well. And that leads me back to the bloody question: What the fuck have you been doing?"

He yells angrily, but I know he's mostly covering up the hurt he feels over his best friend's death. I hang my head and my hand falls back into my lap.

"You know, I'm really sorry. I didn't originally want to leave."

"But you still fucking did! So tell me what the hell got you into that state?"

"Well, I gambled some money that night and some kind of boss wanted his back. He and his henchmen beat me up."

"Doesn't fucking explain how you landed on the streets to begin with!"

"After I ran from Japan I had nowhere to go and lived with my master for a while, but then he suddenly disappeared and I didn't have the money to get myself an apartment."

"And you did never even think of contacting someone?"

"I didn't know how!"

"Che, baka!"

I huff, but can't really disagree so I keep quiet. After some moments of silence I speak up.

"By the way, you treated my injuries didn't you? How come you know so much about healing?"

"Che, thought you would remember that the idiot would never stop pestering me about herbs and whatnot, stupid moyashi."

Ah yes, now I remember. This time idiot is referring to Alma. He loved reading this kind of books and kept telling Kanda about it. And when it was the brunette the raven would calmly listen until the other was finished.

"My name's still Allen!" I pout.

"Yeah, sure," he grumbles, then something seems to come to his mind and his face darkens.

"What is it?"

"Che. You wanna know what you got?"

"Uhm, think so."

"Nothing's broken as far as I can see, you got fucking lucky. Well apart from your nose, but that will heal fast. You've got scratches, lacerations and sprains all over, but nothing grave. A wound on the head and a light concussion."

Quickly I go through the list he gave me, determining it as not as bad as I expected.

"How long have I been out?"

"Nearly five days. You really went over your body's limit, baka moyashi." Again an angry tone is there, but I'm sure it's born from concern, giving me a warm feeling.

"Yeah, I guess so…"

"Talking about it… I found something strange…"

I really don't like the sound of this neither the tone of his voice. My chest tightens. Did he find out about the pregnancy? I am not sure whether this would be a good thing or not. Good, because he maybe could take care of me, but bad because he could be disgusted by it.

"W-What do you mean?"

Suddenly he lays a hand on my abdomen. I gulp.

"This!"

He presses carefully down and I know he can feel that there is not only normal flesh.

"Moyashi! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? I can bloody feel that there is something but I'm not a doctor, so I can't tell what. So speak the fuck up."

My hands tighten on the sheets and my gaze drops down.

"Moyashi! I'm serious!" My head is jerked harshly up and I am forced to stare into angry dark eyes.

I rip my head away, "Have you heard of 'mamorunin'?" I ask carefully.

"'Protectors of humans'? What the fuck is that supposed to be?"

Of course he can translate the word, for some reason it's Japanese after all.

"It means they are protecting humankind from dying out," I give a silent answer.

He keeps silent and I continue.

"Be-Because too few girls were born in the past years, nature apparently created men with the ability to bear children, so the human race wouldn't die out. And-And I a-am one I guess."

He looks at me blankly for some moments, but I refuse to explain it further.

"So what I'm feeling here," he softly presses down again and somehow I enjoy his touch, "Is a… baby?"

"Yes…" I whisper, my eyes refusing to meet his.

Again I feel a pressure on my abdomen, then it suddenly disappears completely and I hear hurried steps going away from me. When I look up I only see his back disappearing through the door and throwing it closed behind him. A sad feeling washes over me. Now I finally found one of my friends from childhood again but he doesn't accept me because I'm pregnant. A lump settles in my throat and my eyes fill with tears. I know I shouldn't cry but the hormones are making me do it. I curl under my covers and burry my face in the pillow letting my tears fall freely. Soon I fall into an uneasy sleep.

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 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So now Allen has finally met with Kanda again, but the others aren't there.**

 **Please review and see you next time.**


	4. A changed person

**Hello everyone,**

 **finally I have only got one exam left and enough time to prepare for that.**

 **So here you get the next chapter. From now on there will be two updates per week. Sunday is the next.**

 **Now we turn more to Kanda's side of the story.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: Yeah, sure. I am waiting for any update on DGM like you all.**

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But I can't rest for long because I accidentally turn on a badly bruised spot and jerk up again. Only then I notice the tray with food next to my bed, including some mitarashi dango, my favourite treat from when I still lived in Japan. I eat it fast, damn I'm hungry. After I'm finished I look around the room sadly, I'm alone again. I try to stop the tears from appearing again. To get my head off these depressing thoughts I decide to occupy myself with finding the toilet.

I carefully get out of the bed, moving with the upmost caution, to neither anger Kanda nor injure myself even further. I limp over to the door and carefully open it. After a look left and right without seeing someone I step out. I'm at the end of a small hallway. There are two more doors to the left and three on the other side.

First I try the one opposite of me, only finding a storage room. To my surprise I find a carton there with the trophies Kanda won. Even back then he was already a high class swordsman, especially for his age, and went to tournaments now and then. When I take a closer look at the years they were won I can see that the newest is nearly two years old, while for basically every year before he got more than one. Only in the time three years ago and since the last one there is not even one. That surprises me, Kendo had been Kanda's, well, dedication you could say. He even constantly carried a sword around for some time (until the school banned it). And he would love to go to the competitions because most of the time he would win and he would hate to miss even one. So it's really strange in my opinion.

The room to the left of mine is apparently his own bedroom. All in dark blue, with the painting of a lotus. There is also his beloved sword, Mugen. But it's carelessly thrown in the corner. Something is definitively wrong here. I hurriedly close that door again. The next on the right is an empty living room. When I step up to the third door on the right I see light seeping from under it. Curiously I open the door a crack.

What I see is not what I expected. It's the kitchen. And there is Kanda himself. He's sitting hunched over, his elbows on his knees and the face buried in his hands. On the table is a bottle of which I would say is Sake, but unopened. Even though he's old enough to buy alcohol, I would never have thought he would have some. But again this just looks wrong, he seems too resigned for the Kanda I know. So I approach him carefully.

"Kanda? Is everything okay?"

He looks up at me with a blank gaze, being able to hide emotions and exhaustion before I can spot them, "Moyashi? What the hell are you doing here? You should fucking be still in bed."

I smile softly, "I need to go to the toilet. But that doesn't matter now. Is something wrong with you?"

"The other side," he only scoffs.

"Huh?"

"The bathroom is the door on the fucking other side!" he yells, running his hand through his long hair.

"Thanks, but I said it doesn't matter now."

He groans exasperated and stands up harshly. He walks over to the drawers over the stove, shoving one of them open. Then he takes a tea kettle out and nearly throws it on the stove, filling it with water. He grabs some tea from another cupboard and prepares the tea with harsh movements. I sit myself on one of the chairs standing around the table in the middle of the room.

"What is it?" he snaps when he turns around and spots me.

"I want to know what is wrong with you. You are not like I knew you."

"Che, sorry for you! I don't fucking care! People simply change over three fucking years!"

"I know, but you're not even doing Kendo anymore. Seriously Kanda, something must have happened in that time."

He stiffens, "Not your fucking business and I already told you the shit that happened."

"I know Alma's death must have affected you deeply, but…"

"You just don't understand, do you?" he suddenly yells at me and shoots around to me, shocking me.

"Uhm, I…" No, I don't.

"God, you're more stupid than I thought," he turns away.

"Hey," I shout, feeling insulted, "You're not explaining it either."

"If you don't see your fucking mistake there is no bloody sense to tell you!"

He rips the boiling water off the stove and pours it into two cups. He slams one of them down in front of me.

"What? Kanda, I want to understand! And at the moment I have no one but you. Please."

He looks down at me with a look I think to detect disgust in, "You really don't understand how much you hurt them when you just left without saying anything."

"I do, but…"

"No, I don't think you do. Linali didn't eat or sleep, thinking you were kidnapped. The usagi stayed up, searching for information until he collapsed. Alma ran all over the place, panicking, and injured himself in the process. Everyone went crazy. We all thought you were fucking dead for three years. And you… You just think no one cared. Even I'm not that cold hearted."

He turns away and stares down into his tea, his fists clenching on the table. I am shocked. I knew they would worry, but that much? Never. I didn't want anything of that to happen.

"And you…?" I ask in a silent voice.

"I what?" he growls back.

"What did you do, when I left?"

"I tried to keep everyone from fucking killing themselves," he scoffs.

"You-You didn't worry?" I ask, for some reason my voice wavering.

He looks at me with a cold, but calculating gaze for a moment then answers with an emotionless voice, "I will tell you my answer when you finally see what effect your disappearance had on everyone."

I look at his eyes, but the dark orbs, once so full of emotion are cold and empty, sending shivers down my back. What did affect him that much? It can't have been only Alma's death.

"Che" He turns his head away again.

"Kanda?" I ask carefully.

"What now?"

"Why did you stop with Kendo?"

He stiffens, "Didn't want anymore," is the blunt reply.

But I look him straight in the eyes, "You are lying, Kanda. If there is one thing I know, it is that you would never stop with Kendo without a reason. And you would have sold Mugen, if you really simply didn't want anymore. So what happened?"

"I thought I made myself bloody clear that it's none of your fucking business! And I already talked fucking enough!" he grumbles at me and stands up, his empty cup in hand.

"You didn't go on any tournament anymore since Alma died, am I correct? Why?"

He sighs, "Moyashi. You're seriously nerve-wracking. How about we make a deal?"

"A deal?" That's surprising.

"I will tell you, why I'm not doing Kendo anymore and you tell me how come you're with child. And after that no questions anymore."

I think about it and come to the conclusion that this will be the best I can get out of that stubborn jerk. So I nod.

"Deal."

He sighs and sits down opposite me.

"You're right. I stopped with it after Alma died. The last trophy I won was the Championship. Because of that the rabbit threw the party. And that was why Alma died. So if I hadn't been doing Kendo none of this would have happened," he explains in a voice from which the sadness is audible, despite his best attempts at hiding it behind anger.

I open my mouth to say that he couldn't take it like that and even if he didn't fight this could have happened, but he lifts his hand, looking tired suddenly.

"I know what you want to say. That me doing Kendo had nothing to do with his death. Everyone said that. But I just couldn't. Every time I would see a poster or something for a new tournament I would remember this. And after Daisya's death I couldn't even pick the sword up anymore."

"Daisya is dead as well?" I ask shocked.

Daisya Berry was Kanda's adoptive brother. The two had been adopted by Froi Tiedoll together with Noise Marie. Daisya was a bit annoying, especially for Kanda. He was a soccer freak. I don't know much more about him, but it still must have affected Kanda.

He nods, "Yeah, some months after Alma…"

"How?"

"No one knows exactly. Some say accident, some say suicide, some even say murder or that his heart simply had a problem. He was on the way to one of his soccer matches and his motorbike was found crashed under a cliff."

Daisya had been born with a cardiac defect but he took medicine and could live like a normal teen.

"I'm sorry. How are Marie and Tiedoll?"

"Marie's fine. Found himself a girl, if I'm correct. The stupid old man, well, he's a bit depressed…"

"When did you leave?"

"Around two months back. I couldn't stand it there anymore. With Tiedoll moping around and the permanent reminders of Alma…"

I nod and cast my gaze down, "I understand you. Sorry for making you remember that."

He shrugs, "Doesn't matter. But now, how the hell did you get pregnant, beansprout?"

Normally I would say something sarcastic about him not knowing about where babies come from but regarding what we talked about earlier it just doesn't fit, so I answer honestly.

"Well, you understand that I'm a male who can bear children?"

He snorts. I take it as an affirmation and continue.

"And I lived on the streets. And well as a teenager on the streets, thing can happen to you. And ah…"

I am fidgeting, reluctant to talk about the rape. But Kanda gives me no mercy. He's only staring at me with a blank gaze, his arms crossed and frowning. I open my mouth and close it, not being able to say anything. He raises an eyebrow, when I unconsciously start to tremble lightly as memories flood my brain.

"I would prefer you would talk because of the deal we had, but well. From what I can see, it was not a planned pregnancy."

I nod. He sighs and continues.

"You don't look like you got someone who looks after you. So did you get raped?" he asks bluntly.

I tense but still nod, not meeting his gaze.

He groans and murmurs to himself, "Great, just great. I came here to get away from my past and what do I find here, the moyashi. And pregnant. Nice shock hearing that from your male friend. And nowhere to go because he bloody manages to get himself out on the streets and get raped. Fucking great!"

He stands up harshly, turning towards the stove. I look down sadly, a bit frightened of what is going to come. He runs a hand over his face. Then he straightens up and looks at me.

"Fine, moyashi. You can stay here for now. I will try to contact Linali and the rabbit to find a solution for this. But no more stupid questions, understood?"

I nod thankfully. This is more than I ever expected from Kanda. I just want to open my mouth but he cuts me off.

"And now you fucking go back to bed. Go to the bathroom if you need, but then fucking rest!"

Without another word he stomps out of the room and into his own, where I hear him rummaging through something. I smile silently to myself. So Kanda really still has a soft side, nice to see.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I am aware that Kanda may be a bit OOC and that will unfortunately continue throughout the story, sorry. ^^'**

 **Hope you liked it nonetheless. Please review and see you next time.**


	5. What changed you so much?

**Hello everyone,**

 **like promised here's the next chapter already.**

 **Something I want to say: Because this story is strictly from Allen's POV during the upcoming phone calls, all he can hear is Kanda's side of the conversation. Whoever he is talking with answers him between his lines but Allen doesn't hear it. If Allen can hear the other side of the phone it would be written in cursive.**

 **Thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: I stopped counting how many times I wrote that already.**

* * *

When I wake the next day it's already ten o'clock in the morning. I feel much better than yesterday and not even like throwing up. I sit up, squinting my eyes shut against the sunlight entering through the half-closed curtains. Next to my bed I spot food again. This time enough to feed a whole family but I happily wolf it all down. It tastes good and I notice it's made completely of healthy ingredients. I smile, who would have though Kanda would be so considerate.

By the way, Kanda, where is he? Today is Sunday so he can't be at work. I stand up, walk over to the door and peek my head outside. And it doesn't take me long to locate my friend as I can hear his enraged voice from the living room. When I look inside I see him standing in front of a window, back to me, a phone in one hand, talking into it, and the other moving angrily. I also spot a bruise on his hand but don't question it.

"For god's sake, Komui! I'm fucking fine!"

"No, I didn't call to fucking talk to you about the stupid old times!"

"I don't fucking care how alone you are without Linali there!"

"No, you idiot - ! No!"

"Shut the fuck up! I fucking stopped, get it all in your bloody head!"

"I just need Linali's fucking phone number!"

"No, not her stupid mobile! I know that one! But she's away where it doesn't work!"

"Stop fucking crying, that she's away for goodness' sake! I just need the damn number!"

"No, I'm not fucking after her!"

"Don't you dare call me that!"

"How many times, idiot siscon!? I. Am. Not. Interested. In. Your. Sister!"

"No, for god's sake, I'm not even interested in girls!"

"Oh you know the stupid number! Don't come me with that idiotic way! You phone her nearly every day!"

"No! I just fucking need to tell her some news!"

"No. No, I didn't do it again. No, it's nothing bad, I promise."

"No, I want to tell it to her personally."

"Okay…" He scribbles something down on a paper in front of him. Then his head goes back up, but not in an angry manner.

"No, Komui, I didn't. Stop worrying."

"No, for goodness' sake. I won't start again either."

"Yes, I know. In three and a half months, right?"

"Yes, I will be there. Don't worry, for goodness's sake!"

"Yes! No! And bye!" he finally yells into the receiver, pressing off.

He groans deeply and buries his face in his hands. He puts the phone away and then his voice sounds again, even without looking up.

"How long have you been standing there, moyashi?"

I jolt in surprise, "Eh… Ah… N-Not long…" I stutter out, embarrassed at being caught eavesdropping.

He scowls, "Liar. You heard basically the whole fucking conversation."

"Yeah…" I admit it silently and look down. He only 'che's and storms past me to the kitchen.

I follow him, "Was that Komui? Linali's brother?"

"Yeah. I'm trying to reach her and the baka usagi, but it proves to be more fucking difficult."

I smile softly, "Has he still this ridiculous sister complex about Linali?"

He only snorts, "Che, what do you think?"

Yes, he does. I could clearly hear it from Kanda's side of the phone call. I smile. So much changed with my friends, but apparently some things didn't.

He makes tea again. In his anger though some of the hot water spills over and lands on his left wrist. He curses violently and shoves the kettle aside. He pulls the forearm protector (which he's wearing on both sides) back. I can't see well, but I think to spot bruises on his arm and something else I can't discern. He growls again and pulls the black cloth back in place. But I decide not to question him about it. Instead I focus back on the conversation I heard (or the half of it).

"So where is Linali?"

"No idea exactly"

"What did you mean with not doing it again?"

"Not your fucking business"

"What's in three months?"

"Neither"

Oh dear lord, what's wrong with this guy. And much more, who the hell did I meet yesterday? The evening before he was much nicer. Is today just a bad day or did talking to Komui anger him that much. All in all, I can't get anything out of him anymore so I want to leave the room, but he calls out.

"Oi moyashi. Have you been to a doctor?"

I scowl. Now he's being caring again? Kind of bipolar? That guy has worse mood swings than I will soon have. Nonetheless I answer.

"No, I haven't. No money. And my name's Allen!"

"Che. Lying again," he only dryly comments, "You simply hate everything that has to do with doctors."

My anger immediately rises, "If you know then why do you bother asking, mister-I-know-it-all-but-I-don't-tell-anyone?"

Suddenly he is in front of me, one of his hands gripping my collar hard. There is a dangerous glimmer in his eyes.

"I warn you, Allen! I am letting you stay here and am even trying to find the others. You know nothing and will never. So just be quiet and don't you dare say something like that again."

His voice is calm, but freezing and dangerous. The former deep dark eyes are cold, hard and completely empty, only with an aggressive tint in them. He isn't using one curse word but instead my real name in his sentences, which means it is really serious. I swallow hard and force myself to look at his face. But I can't speak, so I only nod frantically. He 'che's and releases me, causing me to stumble back. He walks past me and out into the hallway.

"I'm going out!" he yells angrily and then throws the front door closed harshly.

He leaves me standing there, completely shocked. What the hell just happened? I just don't understand how he could change that much. Okay, the past years were not easy on him, but that? Kanda was never an exactly friendly person, but he would never threaten someone like that. He did threaten Lavi quite often back then, but that sounded way different. And then this empty look in his eyes, like he pushed all emotions away.

Suddenly I come to a resolve. As a thanks for him taking care of me, I will help him out of whatever happened to him. I and I'm pretty sure everyone else wants the old Kanda back. But I will do it without bothering him with questions. He won't answer me anyway and will only get even angrier. I can't talk to any of the others, because I don't know how to reach them, unless to search in Kanda's mobile phone, which he took with him (not that I want to feel his wrath for trying it). So I decide in order to find out what the hell happened, to search in the store room first.

When I enter all I spot are cartons over cartons which Kanda apparently didn't unpack when he moved here. The first thing is again the one with the prizes he won at Kendo competitions. I see all the many trophies from the years I knew him. Like he said the last one is from the Championship good two years back. But there was also an interruption in the time one year before that. That was… when I left. He said he looked after the others, so I guess he had no time. I decide that there is nothing more to find here and put that one aside.

Other boxes hold old school books, clothes he doesn't need right now, folders with different purposes and other items related to sword fighting, but nothing interesting or helpful. In some cartons more in the back, I find some of Alma's old belongings, including most of his herb books.

Finally there are only two smaller boxes left, tucked somewhere deep in the back. I open the bigger one first. And see drawings. All different sorts. Most are pencil but some are also paint or coal. They are really good. Where did he get them from? And why are they hidden here? I wonder about them, turning the first one, a pencil sketch of our old home town, in my hands. That is until I spot a very distinctive symbol at the right lower corner. A 'K' next to a simple drawn lotus. My eyes widen. Kanda loved lotuses (or maybe was fascinated by them fits him better) and regarding the picture in his room still does. And the letter… Does that mean he did these drawings himself? I never knew he did that. Yes, Kanda's (rather unique) adoptive father is an artist but for the raven this was more a reason to hate art in general. I myself have never seen him draw or even less paint. Okay, we had art lessons at school, but he either ditched them completely or sat in the back corner, letting no one except Alma see his work. But if I remember correctly he always got good grades in this subject, even though he missed half of the lessons.

I run my finger carefully along the soft lines on the paper. It is beautiful. The view is from the rooftop of our school, out into the outskirts of the town in the sunset. Even though it's only black and white, it captures the atmosphere pretty good. I lay the first paper aside and look at the others. The ones at the top are mostly scenes he saw, as I assume. Drawings of lotus, a pond or clearing. I see myself, Linali, Lavi and his adopted family, captured in moments of life. For example when we were at a summer festival and Lavi had burnt his Yukata sleeve on one of the little firecrackers. The picture, drawn with pencil, shows Linali grinning, nursing a sheepishly laughing red head. Next to them, sitting leaned back on the grass, I see myself with a bright genuine smile on my face. Alma is close in the picture, holding his stomach from laughter. All in all Alma is drawn pretty often. But I guess that's normal regarding they were best friends. But seeing a picture of the brunette still sends a slight painful sting through my chest, knowing he's dead. Another thing I notice is that never even once I can see Kanda himself in the pictures. It's always just us, his adopted family or some other random scenery, never the raven himself. Well, there is one drawing of Kanda, but at the corner is the name 'Alma' written, so it doesn't count.

When I come to the bottom of the box though the pictures change. They get darker, are more often in colours, red and black, and the lines go from soft and elegant to harsh and cut off. They seem sad and more often than not they don't even show real persons or situations anymore, but scenes right from a nightmare. I get an uneasy feeling just looking at these pictures. Though the last one I really nearly drop. It's a paper drawn on both sides, in black and white. It's again Alma. But dead. On the front his eyes are closed and the face is calm, like he's sleeping. But the face just doesn't fit a sleeping person and the fact that he's laying in a coffin. But what really shocks me is the backside. It's basically the same subject, only that this time, he's not the calm sleeping body, but how he (supposedly) looked like right after the accident, beaten, blood all over, limbs at unusual angles, the eyes wide open in fright. To make the whole thing even more morbid everything is done with relatively few shadings, but all of the blood is a bright red, like someone used actual fresh blood to do it. I shudder and hurriedly put it back into the box. The drawing itself is made nearly perfectly, but the picture is just plain frightening. I also put the other drawings back into the box, enjoying the 'happy times' another time though. When I'm finished I put the carton back into place.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I always liked the thought of Kanda painting so that's something that is probably going to reoccur in many of my stories.**

 **Next chapter sometime during next week. Please review and see you then.**


	6. More research

**Hello everyone,**

 **I promised two updates per week, so here we are.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: Would I really be writing here if I owned it?!**

* * *

Now it only remains the last box. I lift the lid and take a look inside. I spot photos of our group, mostly again without Kanda and some small things like the bracelet Alma made for him once.

But before I can explore the whole stuff inside I hear keys clicking at the front door. Hurriedly I close the box, shove it back into place, arrange the others and leave the room. When I step out, Kanda just comes in. He pulls his shoes off. Then with nothing more than an angry look towards me he storms to his room and the adjoining bathroom, throwing the door closed behind him.

I decide to not bother him and walk over to the kitchen, making lunch for myself. Only then do I notice how long I was inside that storage room. It's nearly half past three in the afternoon. My stomach protests.

After I'm finished with my meal and have put the plates away as well I return to my room, taking up a book I find there. But I can't stop thinking about what I found today.

Later in the evening my stomach insists on feeding again, so I open the door carefully. I peek outside for Kanda. But I hear the raven's voice coming from the living room, apparently talking on the phone again.

"Yes, I need to speak to Linali Li."

"I have important news to tell her."

"I don't fucking care what her stupid brother told you."

"Neither do I care in the least that you find my language inappropriate."

"I'm an old friend of her."

"Finally."

"When will she return?"

"Yes. My name is Yuu Kanda and tell her it's urgent."

"I don't care, goodbye."

He snaps the phone shut again and apparently lets himself fall on the couch, not creating any more sounds. So I go over to the kitchen, making food again.

When I'm half-way finished with eating he walks in, grabs a container of soba noodles (at least that didn't change) and heads to his own room.

"Couldn't reach the girl today. She will phone tomorrow," he growls while he walks past me.

I smile, finish my meal and afterwards go more or less straight to bed.

* * *

When I wake up the next day at ten o'clock in the morning, Kanda isn't here. He didn't leave a note where he went, but I assume he is at work, it's Monday after all. I have no work, so I can stay home. And to be honest there is nothing else I would want to do at the moment. I am still sore from the beating and tired from the hard times I had on the street. Plus the baby is draining from me and today I woke to morning sickness again. Just great. Luckily Kanda has prepared breakfast before he left and it sits on the table for me.

After I have eaten it and cleaned up, I decide to continue my quest on finding out what is wrong with my friend. First I go back to the storage room, to look through the last box I couldn't completely explore last time. As I saw already it is mostly full of memories of the happy time we five spent together. Nothing special to find here. The only thing could maybe be that this box is the furthest in the back, like he wanted to seal these memories away. To not remember, to not have to think about it. Does it hurt him to remember the good times we had?

As I have now completely searched through the storage room, I have to look somewhere else. I doubt the living room, which is pretty empty apart from a couch, a small table, a book shelf and a television, or the kitchen will give me any clues. The room I'm staying in was the first I throughoutly explored, so that leaves only Kanda's own bedroom. I just hope he doesn't catch me sneaking in there. I don't want to encounter his wrath, thank you very much.

But he isn't home, so I carefully pad over to the closed door. I turn the handle and slowly open it. It swings swiftly open and gives me a full view of the room. Next to the window, which is covered with thick curtains, is a wooden bed with dark blue sheets. On the wall next to the door is a small desk with one chair next to it. On the other side is a dresser and next to it the door to the small bathroom. A drawer and some shelves are in between the bed and table. The walls are in a dark colour as well, only on one is a picture of a glowing, pink lotus. Kanda's (at least back then) beloved katana Mugen, lays somewhere next to the end of the bed, tucked up against the wall, but looking like it has been thrown there. On the shelves are books and some smaller boxes. There are no photos or pictures of anyone, not even Alma.

I step into the room, slightly uneasy. It is really dark here and I don't like that. When I think back to his room in Japan (not that I was there often) it was full of light most of the time. It had a huge window to the garden of the house. He loved nature and had a living lotus in his room, not just a painting. Mugen would be on hooks on the wall and other sword-fighting related items strewn across the room. There were many photos of Alma and also some of us or his family (though I think he was forced to put these up). But here? This room hardly has anything personal. The picture of the lotus, the lost-looking sword and maybe the colours are everything that indicate that someone actually lives here. I shudder unconsciously, I really want the Kanda I know back.

I spend some time searching the room. But to be honest I don't find much. Apart from a lot of clothes in dark colours, books about IT-stuff (I guess for his job) and books about war strategies (for what the hell does he need that?) I hardly find anything interesting because he is very keen on locking everything which looks like it is important. And neither do I have my lock picker set with me, nor do I want to risk him finding out. The only things surprising me are a huge amount of bandages in one of the drawers (one with a drop of blood on it), some dried herbs mentioned in Alma's books, pictures from everyone at home, including Alma, me and Daisya in the back of another drawer and some drawing utensils I never thought he would have.

I sigh and sit down on the floor, leaning against his bed. That didn't really help me. And I have still no clue what I can do to make it better for him. That leaves me basically with the only option being asking him, but I know it won't work. I saw how well that went last time. Well, maybe I can ask either Linali or Lavi if they come. I sigh then burry my head in his blanket, trying to catch his scent of forest and lotus. But it is only very faint and carries a hint of blood with it, which makes me uneasy. But right at that moment my stomach growls loudly, reminding me that it is already past two o'clock in the afternoon.

I groan and stand up. After a big lunch I settle in my room with a book I took from the living room. But I still have a hard time concentrating on it because my mind keeps drifting back to Kanda. He comes home shortly after five o'clock in the evening. Soon after I hear the front door fall closed I hear the shower start and lean back sighing.

After diner he sits himself on the couch, typing at his laptop. I join him (on the other end of the sofa), turning on the tv.

But only after about one hour sitting there the ringtone of his handy, laying on the coffee table, sounds loudly through the room. He releases a string of curses and grabs it. When he looks at the screen I see a small light flash through his eyes but fast it's gone again. He puts the device to his ear.

"Kanda"

"Yes, I called you."

"You have to come here."

"London, Pond Street 9, Apartment 2b."

"Yeah, yeah, but I think the reason you're doing it is no longer present."

"No, not dead."

"Just come, for goodness' sake!"

"Stop saying I'm rude. You know me well enough that I won't change that."

"Not you as well! Your brother already asked that! I didn't!"

"No, I didn't start again! Stop with that subject!"

"No, it's not the reason I want you to come for goodness' sake."

"I wouldn't be calling you if it was that, don't you think?"

"Finally, when can you take a flight?"

"So you will be here on Sunday?"

"Okay, I will pick you up at the airport. Tell me the time."

"Just be up for a surprise."

"Yes, a good one. And maybe look for a hotel. I don't have the space at the moment."

"Yeah. Anyway, have you heard something of the baka usagi?"

"Sure not. Same reason I called you."

"No, stop worrying about me."

"Enough now, I have work."

"Bye"

He sighs and puts the phone away again. I stare at him weirdly. To be honest I didn't even understand half of the conversation, but keep quiet to not aggravate him any further. He closes his laptop and stands up.

"Linali will come on Sunday. Talk to her. Maybe you will understand then."

With that he leaves the room, letting me sit there flabbergasted. So it was Linali on the phone just now. After a bit longer I go to bed as well.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So no new explanations for our Allen, only more questions. Is that evil? Nah, I don't think so. Would be boring if I solved everything too fast, wouldn't it? ;)**

 **Hope you liked it and please review.**

 **Next chapter on Saturday, see you then.**


	7. I understand now how I much I hurt you

**Hello everyone,**

 **Finally exams done! Yay!**

 **So it's a longer chapter for you today.**

 **Thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: I may now own knowledge of too much stuff I am never going to use again, but that still doesn't make me the owner of DGM.**

* * *

The week passes without greater events. He does his best to keep his distance from me and I don't press. My morning sickness wears off slowly, thank god. The only thing is that I notice is one time Kanda leaving at about eleven o'clock in the night. I wonder about going out that late, but am too tired to follow him. When I question him the next day, he scoffs at me that I must have dreamed it. Sunday approaches too fast for my liking. I am nervous as hell to meet Linali. She was always one of the most caring persons I ever met and I am sure I hurt her quite a lot by leaving. I only hope she will understand.

Then it is Sunday 12:15. Kanda left an hour ago to pick her up at the airport and they can arrive any minute. I am wearing clothes Kanda bought during the week. A simple white dress-shirt (slightly big to hide the small weight gain at my stomach) and black trousers. Nothing special, but I am comfortable in it (and very thankful to him for buying them). Suddenly I hear the click of keys in the front door and it opens with a creak. I swallow and place a hand on my abdomen to calm me. Then I take a deep breath and step into the hallway from where I can hear both Kanda's voice and a woman's.

For a moment they don't notice me and I can simply look at the girl who I didn't see for years. She has grown as well and I would say she isn't much smaller than I am now. Still wearing a short blue skirt and high black boots. Adding to that a white shirt with a blazer over it. Her hair is much shorter than I remember. It only reaches her chin, back then it was as long as Kanda's is now. But it still has the greenish tint. She is talking to Kanda, her back to me, but I can hear from her voice that she is happy to see him. Even his voice sounds less tense than normal, but reluctant either way.

She laughs, "So why did I have to come here so fast, Kanda? That's not like you."

He has noticed me standing there so he simply motions the girl to turn around, "Che. Look behind you."

She giggles, "Never thought you could be so…"

But her words get stuck in her throat when she spins around and sees me. Her eyes widen and she freezes. My hands grip hard in the hem of my shirt and I resist the urge to flee. Suddenly her eyes fill with tears and she shoots a glance at Kanda, who gives the hint of a nod. Linali turns back to me.

"A-Allen?" her voice is wavering.

I look up and meet teary violet orbs. I nod, unable to speak, and try an unsure smile. She sniffles and runs the steps towards me, throwing herself around my neck. I loose balance from the sudden assault and am thankful for the door behind me, which keeps me from landing on the floor.

"Allen! Oh god! You're still alive! And you're here! We were so worried! We missed you so much! We all! Allen!"

Linali is sobbing in my shoulder, making me slightly uncomfortable and feel like an asshole for leaving. From the corner of my eyes I can see Kanda slipping into his own room. I decide to get him later and only pull the girl in my arms into a tight embrace, comforting her and mumbling apologies.

It takes several minutes until her tears stop mostly. She stands up straight, looking at me intensely. I lower my eyes sheepishly to avoid that gaze. But not for long because soon something hits my cheek, hard, causing my head to snap to the side. Stunned I look up, to find Linali's hand raised and a half teary, half angry expression on her face.

"You jerk! Why did you leave? You have no idea how much you had everyone worried!"

I lower my head again, "No apparently I have not. I'm really sorry. I apologize."

"God, Allen. We all thought something happened to you. You're such an idiot," her pained look hurts me as well and I begin to understand what Kanda meant in the first night I was here.

"I know, I'm sorry. I will explain, but can we please sit down?" I ask, because these days, standing up for too long isn't so good for me anymore, damned dizzy spells, "And maybe…" I add with a glance to Kanda's bedroom door.

The girl huffs, still an angry look on, "Sure, go to the living room, I get the stubborn idiot. He could have warned me that you were here, but no. For once he's playing mysterious. Seriously, that guy," she is muttering to herself while she stomps over to the closed door, then she pounds on it, "Kanda! Come out! You can't ditch the explaining!"

The door is thrown open, revealing a disgruntled Kanda, "Why the fuck do you need me? The beansprout is the one to explain."

"But you can fill gaps he can't. And I'm sure you didn't tell him everything that happened in the time he was gone either," she grumbles and grabs his sleeve, dragging him to the other room, taking me as well, when she passes.

After we are all seated around the coffee table in the living room I tell my story again, about how I fled from the Noahs, but letting out the whole pregnant-thing. Luckily the girl accepts my reasons and even though she's still mad at me for disappearing, the happiness that I am back is stronger.

"So you're staying with Kanda at the moment?" she asks, "How did you get him to allow that? Finally tell him you loved him?"

I splutter and blush furiously, "No way in hell. I'm not in love with BaKanda!"

Yes, yes, if I would be completely honest with myself I may have developed a little crush on him when we were still in Japan, but I'm not sure if I like this new version of Kanda… okay, I don't like it. He himself only 'che's and throws Linali an are-you-stupid-look. She tilts her head.

"But then why? Kanda doesn't let anybody stay with him if there is not a really good reason. Not even Lavi or me for a night or two. So you just being found and living on the street is not enough I would say, and he wouldn't be so persistent to find us as well."

I fidget and rub one hand over my abdomen, but it's under the table so Linali doesn't catch the gesture. Kanda only scoffs again, but then answers for me.

"The moyashi's with child," he says nonchalantly, shocking the girl.

"You're what?" she asks me, stunned.

I lower my gaze and nod, the blunt way Kanda said it doesn't make it any easier. She looks frozen for a moment then shoots a look at the raven, who only stares back irritably and shakes his head. I wonder which silent conversation is going on between the two. Somehow I feel left out, the distance between me and the persons I once was so close getting even bigger. But what do I expect? I disappeared for three years.

"Well, that explains it. You can't stay out there like that," she murmurs and then looks at me again, "That means you're a mamorunin?"

I nod, not surprised that she knows about that. Kanda said she was a journalist after all. A sad look settles in her eyes while she exchanges another glance with the man.

"From the way you two behave, it's not Kanda's child. But still you're staying with him, so I assume the child was forced upon you," she says with a sad tone.

Again I nod silently. That was a nice way to say I was raped, but yes. Kanda has fixed me with an unreadable look. Back then I could read his eyes at all times, but today I can't understand him at all anymore. That really frightens me.

"How far?" Is the girl's next question.

"Good three months"

"I assume you're keeping it. What are you planning to do after the birth?"

"I'm gonna give it up to adoption."

I look down, my fists tightening and I start shaking slightly. Linali squirts over to me and hugs me. Then she glares at Kanda.

"Go make some tea. You're a terrible host."

"But – "

He tries to object, but against Linali resistance is mostly useless, so after a bit of grumbling he gets up and walks over to the kitchen and out of our hearing range. I decide to use this opportunity to ask the girl about his changes. I can't wait to find something out about that.

"Linali, can I ask something?" I start in a careful voice.

"Uhm, sure," she answers, apparently unsure about the subject I am aiming at.

"What happened to Kanda?"

She sighs and looks down, "So you noticed as well…"

"Sure, he is not at all like he was back then anymore. I really can't figure out what changed him that much. And to be honest I don't like the way he is now. I tried asking him, but of course he wouldn't answer," I explain hurriedly.

A very sad smile has stretched over her face, the eyes hold a dark shadow and her hands are clenched in her lap, "He would kill me if I simply told you everything that happened. And to be honest I don't really want to. He had… a really hard time in these three years."

"What do you mean? I know that, but can you maybe be a bit more specific," I plead, her reluctance to talk about it only getting me a very uneasy feeling.

She throws a look to the kitchen door, "Well, you know about Alma?"

"He… He's dead…" I answer reluctantly.

The girl nods sadly, "Yes, it hit Kanda very hard. And he blames himself for it."

"I know that. He thinks it was only because Alma was coming to his Kendo party, so it's his fault for doing sword fighting. But that's not true!"

"Of course it isn't," she replies with a sad smile, "But you know Kanda, from back then I mean. How caring he could be on the inside if he wanted to. And how stubborn. So once this idea about him being partly at fault for Alma's death settled in his head he always kept to it. So he stopped doing Kendo. Back then Alma was in hospital for some days, Kanda never left his side. He nearly collapsed because he didn't eat or sleep. He tried so hard to hold onto him. Maybe it was because you already left a year earlier, but I'm not sure. Oh, and I think there is one detail you don't know yet about the situation at that time."

"And what would that be?" I ask, anxious to find out as much about these happenings as I can.

"Kanda and Alma weren't just friends at that time," she says and for some reason I don't like where this is going. The girl throws another look to the door behind which the older disappeared then leans close to me and says in a silent voice, "They were a couple…"

I can't help a tightening in my chest. Well there goes my crush… But it also means that it was even worse for Kanda when he lost the brunette. I feel actually sorry for the jerk.

"I didn't know…"

She shrugs sadly, "Yeah. You could see the signs in Alma, that he liked Kanda for more than a friend. But Kanda himself… I was never sure how he truly felt. Maybe it was also kind of a way of coping with your disappearance. It hit all of us hard."

"I know, I'm sorry," I repeat, "But Kanda as well? When I asked him he said he would only tell me after I understood…"

"Then I won't tell you either," she says.

I pout but continue asking, "But that can't be all, can it? I mean it's like he's completely changed…"

Her face darkens, "Not really. You know about Daisya too?"

"Yes"

"Then there is not much more I can tell you. It is not all, that is true. But everything else is only Kanda's to tell and not mine."

"But why? What –" I start nearly frantic.

But I am cut off by the door behind me sliding harshly open. When I turn, I see Kanda stepping through it, a deep frown on his face and a tray with tea and three mugs on it. He puts a mug in front of each of us, fills them and lets himself fall down opposite me with a disgruntled expression, arms crossed.

"So what the hell do you want to talk about?" he growls.

"We just wanted to catch up. I haven't seen Allen for three years! And you for about half a year as well," the girls pouts.

"Not exactly my fault if you go running off somewhere only god knows…" he grumbles.

"You know why I did that."

"Sure, but apparently you should have searched in London instead."

"Excuse me," I break in, "But what exactly are you talking about?"

They exchange a look then Kanda answers in a gruff voice, "The reason Linali became a journalist."

I cock my head curiously, but getting a bad feeling because of the tone he uses.

"It was to find clues where you are!"

My eyes widen, but the girl intervenes, "Not only. I like the job, that was the main reason."

"Che" Kanda scoffs and stands up harshly, leaving the room.

Linali lays a hand on my arm, my fists are clenched in my lap.

"I am sorry for his behaviour. Like I already said, the last years were very hard on him. And actually he took your disappearance worse than we all would have thought. Don't be harsh with him."

"Why would he be affected by me leaving?" I ask incredulously.

Now she smiles, "I think he cared for you more than he let on. You know how caring he could be if he wanted to. He always closed his feelings inside himself and never let anybody know. And it's even worse now. He closes everyone out. I don't even know when I saw him smile the last time."

At the end her face is sad and she leans her head into my shoulder. I wrap an arm around her shoulder. I notice Kanda is not the only one who was affected by the last years. Linali is a very nice and empathetic person, so it hit her hard as well.

"Sometimes I wish it was like back then again," I hear her whisper into my shoulder, "Back then in school. You and Kanda fighting non-stop over petty things, but being best friends underneath. Alma laughing and pulling Kanda away from Lavi who wouldn't stop annoying him. We all five together with no death, rape or sickness."

We stay seated like that for some time until she yawns and rubs her neck sheepishly.

"I am sorry, but I think I should rest for now. I just changed time zones and the shock with you didn't help it."

She stands up and when I follow she helps me up.

"Where are you going?" I ask, not wanting to lose her just now.

"I have a room at a hotel not far from here. Kanda's guest room is apparently already occupied."

"Oh," I look down sadly.

She smiles and ruffles my hair, "Don't worry. I will come back tomorrow. How about ten in the morning? Then we can go to a café and talk or something. You don't have any work do you?"

"No," I shake my head, "That sounds great. Should I…?"

I gesture to Kanda's bedroom door, but she shakes her head, "No, I will take a taxi. Leave him be."

"But –" I try to argue but she interrupts me.

"No, it's really okay. I have enough money. And he needs his calm sometimes. I guess it is not easy for him that you suddenly appeared in his life, especially like that. Give him time and space and he will eventually come around."

I nod and follow her to the door. I even wave after her until she disappears out of my view. With a sigh I then turn and close the door. Unconsciously I let myself slide down against the wood, burying my face in my hands.

Apart from the fact that Alma was Kanda's boyfriend and not simply friend at the time of his death I haven't found out much more about the raven than before. But I got the notion that whatever else happened was something really bad, something dark no one wants to talk about.

Talking about Kanda, I have to apologize to him about how I acted on my first day here. So I stand up and walk over to his bedroom door. I knock and call his name but get no answer. When I try to enter I notice it's locked. I sigh and lean my forehead against the wood.

"I know you don't want to see me, Kanda, but please at least listen to me okay?"

I give him a moment, but still don't get a response so I continue, "I want to apologize. I am sorry that I acted so ignorant the first day. I think now after seeing how Linali reacted I understand better how much I hurt you all. Yes, you included. I am sorry, I never thought someone would care that much about me."

I make a short break and a soft smile makes it on my face, "Will you give me your answer now, Kanda? You promised, remember?"

But he keeps silent so I continue, "It's okay, from what Linali said you cared as well and that is enough for me to know. So I wanted to… say thank you. For caring. For all you have done for me, back then and especially now. I understand it's not easy for you, so thank you."

By now I am sitting with the back to his door. I get silent for some time. Then I take a deep breath.

"Kanda? You did so much for me, can you let me do something for you? Please? I know you don't like accepting help but can you make an exception once? I want to help you, so can you please tell me what is wrong with you? And don't say 'nothing' because we both know it's not true. What Linali said made it only clearer to me. So please?"

I wait a long while but I don't even hear a sound from the inside. Finally I sigh and stand up.

"I understand that you don't want to talk about it. But please promise me to tell me one day. Before it overtakes you. I don't want to see that happen, okay?"

Still I get no other reaction than some shifting and a grumble from behind the door. After a last sad look to the door I head back to the kitchen.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Phew, long chapter, but we're still not any closer to understanding Kanda.**

 **Next chapter on Wednesday, see you then and please review.**


	8. Linali, realisations and maybe a clue

**Hello everyone,**

 **thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: What do you think?**

* * *

The following week goes by happily. I spend as much time with Linali as possible and soon we find back into a comfortable atmosphere. Kanda however shuts himself off more during the week. He goes to work early and returns late. I also notice him sneaking out in the middle of the night for whatever reason. I tried asking him but he denied doing it. Linali seems concerned about him but won't tell me why and I get the feeling that I am missing out gravely on something here.

On the last night Linali is spending in London (Saturday night) she stays with us and Kanda (reluctantly) cooks a nice dinner for us all. And to be honest it tastes great. I never knew he could cook. Afterwards we sit together for a bit, even Kanda (Linali had to force him though). But due to my condition I get tired relatively soon and excuse myself, leaving the two alone.

But I have a hard time falling asleep and after one and a half hour I decide to go to the toilet, so I leave my bed and peek out into the hallway. I can see light from under the living room door and assume Kanda and Linali are still talking there. When I pass it though I notice it's slightly open and can't help but take a peek, in hopes to find something out about the situation.

Kanda is sitting on one of the sofas, Linali opposite to him, wearing a stern expression. I can't see Kanda's face because he has his back to me but I guess he's scowling as usual. His whole posture is tense. I just want to continue walking when I suddenly hear my name.

"So you don't plan on telling Allen, do you?" Linali asks.

"What do you think?" Kanda snorts.

What are they talking about? Not telling me what? I decide to listen.

"Yeah, you didn't even tell us back then…" she says, somehow sad.

It only earns her another snort, but she continues unfazed, "But I thought maybe you would be more open to him. You understood each other pretty well back then and none of you had easy three years."

"It's in the past!" Kanda growls.

"Is it, Kanda?" her eyes lift and she fixes him with a hard gaze, "Is it really, completely in the past?"

"Yes, for god's sake!" he nearly yells.

"And you neither have nor will start again?"

"Fucking yes! Don't you all comprehend? I haven't, I won't and whatever else, for fuck's sake!"

His voice hurts my ears. What the hell are they talking about that makes Kanda this angry? I know he has a terrible temper but I can't remember seeing him this seriously furious ever.

Meanwhile the girl moves over to sit next to him and lays a hand on his shoulder, "I am sorry. I know it's hard for you too. But I'm only worried you know."

He grumbles something under his breath and refuses to meet her eyes.

"Show me your shoulder," she says softly.

His head whips up, "I told you, I haven't – "

But she interrupts him harshly, "I know, but just do it."

I hear him grumble but we both know that there is no refusing her when she uses this tone. So he very reluctantly opens the buttons of his shirt and shoves it slightly from his left shoulder. A very sad smile comes to her face and she reaches one hand out for the skin, softly pushing the fabric away and brushing her fingers over the left side of his chest.

"No, there is nothing new. You stopped like you promised. And it's healing…" she murmurs, sadness and something like fright lacing her voice.

"It will never heal," I hear Kanda mutter silently.

"Maybe it will one day. Not completely perhaps but mostly…"

Somehow I feel like this is a conversation I really shouldn't listen in on but I can't help it. I want to find out what is wrong with Kanda! Linali has pulled her hand back and the man is closing his shirt. She sighs sadly and leans into his chest.

"You know I was really afraid when they told me you called," she whispers and he sends her a mildly curious look while slowly and reluctantly moving his arms around the girl clinging to him.

"You hadn't even tried to contact any of us for ages," she continues, "And then suddenly you called with urgent news. I was so afraid. The last time this happened was that day…"

That day? What day? From the sound of her voice something really bad happened that day? Maybe when Alma died? Isn't that too long ago and weren't they all still in Japan at that time?

He only keeps silent but embraces the girl who is slightly shaking by now. Also I guess that I really heard enough now and silently move on towards the bathroom.

When back in bed I ponder over what I heard. Nothing really made sense to me, regarding they never mentioned anything specific and I missed three years of what happened. But I understand that there was something really bad, sometime during these years. Maybe it was Alma's death, but it seems fresher than that. I groan and burry my face in my pillow. To be honest I am getting afraid of what I will find out if I ever learn the truth. And with that thought I fall into a fitful sleep.

* * *

The next morning I drag myself tiredly out of bed. But I have to get up, Linali is leaving today and I want to say goodbye. When I step into the shower and let the warm water run over me, I relax completely for the first time in probably years. I am safe, for now at least, and even though they are changed and not all of them are here, I have my friends back, the only people apart from Mana I ever truly trusted.

Then I take a look over my own body. The bruising I got the day Kanda found me has mostly healed by now, only some little spots left. Nonetheless my whole body is more or less littered with small scars. Sighing I run a hand over them. I doubt I will ever find a lover, looking like I do (not even counting I already had a child by then and live on the streets). But at least I am not as bone-thin as I was on the streets anymore. Since I am staying with Kanda I can eat properly and I am regaining a healthy figure. And of course, my stomach. I stare down at it, a mixture of fascination and horror at the slight rounding visible there. Because I am still pretty thin I am already starting to show. Just great…

Grumbling I step out after finishing my cleaning and wrap a towel around my hips. I didn't notice how long I spent in the shower so I nearly get a heart attack when the door is thrown open.

"Oi moyashi! You fucking drowned in the shower or what?" growls an irritated Kanda.

I whip around and blush heavily when I remember I am half-naked. He doesn't seem too fazed by it and only stares at me emotionlessly.

"K-Kanda… Wh-What a-are you d-doing?" I stutter out, feeling more flustered than I would have thought.

"Linali is worried what the hell is taking you so long. So she fucking sent me to check," he growls.

"A-Aha," I answer lamely, "Uh, you can tell her I will come in a minute."

He grumbles something then turns around and leaves the room, slamming the door. I nonetheless noticed that his eyes lingered on my stomach for a second longer. Even though I don't really know what to think of it, I can't stop myself from smiling softly. Following what I said I hurriedly dress, dry my hair and walk over to the kitchen.

Kanda has made breakfast. It sits on the table with a special tea for me. Linali is seated on a chair opposite the door and hugs me as soon as I enter, but Kanda is nowhere in the room.

"Good morning, Allen," the girl smiles at me, "Have you slept well?"

I smile back, "I am fine, don't worry. How about you? Did you sleep on the couch?"

"No, not that," she laughs, "Kanda gave me a futon, which was really nice to sleep on."

I hesitate for a moment then decide to try asking about what I heard yesterday evening without giving away that I eavesdropped, "Did something happen yesterday after I went to sleep? Kanda seems kinda tense today."

Her smile saddens, "No, nothing special. I guess he just has a bad day."

I nod silently, even though I know she is lying. So we sit down at the table and I eat as much as I can stomach while Linali sips on her cup of tea. I drown my own herbal tea and pull a face at the taste. At first I didn't want to drink it, but one glaring match with Kanda convinced me otherwise. I am nonetheless surprised he is making it for me every morning. Apparently it is a tea especially for pregnancy. I bet he needed to do some research for it, but he did it all for me. There is still some of the old Kanda left in him, I just have to drag it out.

Some minutes after I am finished with eating the man himself enters the kitchen. He frowns at us and gets a cup of tea as well. Linali stands up and lays a hand on his arm.

"You okay?" I hear her whisper.

"I fucking told you, I'm fine," he growls back, "You should get ready. We have to be at the airport in an hour."

She smiles sadly, but nods and exits the kitchen. Kanda follows her soon and so do I. She is standing in the hallway with her bag, waiting for us. The raven approaches her, grabbing a jacket and keys.

"By the way, do you have an idea how to contact the baka usagi?" he asks, nonchalantly.

She looks surprised but answers nonetheless, "No, unfortunately I don't. He is on this world journey with Bookman and the old man forbid him mobile phones."

Kanda grumbles something, then both silence for a moment before a thought seems to come to Linali's mind.

"But he promised he will be there in three months. You can tell him about Allen then," she hesitates for a moment then, "You will come, right?"

He snorts uncomfortably, "Sure, what do you think?"

With that he ends the conversation and walks out of the apartment, getting the car. That leaves me alone with Linali. She has again that sad smile on her face, I notice very often when Kanda's change comes up. I step up to her and she smiles and hugs me.

"I am so happy you are okay, Allen. We all are, I swear. I am sad that I have to go now, but the job calls me and I will come visit again, I promise. Don't you dare to disappear another time, is that clear?" she murmurs into my neck.

I smile and hug her back while she loosens herself a bit from me, "I won't, promise. For the next half a year I can't anyway."

"I know, but even after that, don't do it. I doubt we, especially Kanda, could take it," she says sadly, then a smile comes back and she lays a hand on my abdomen, "And take good care of the little one, okay?"

"I will, even if I can't see him or her grow up."

"Maybe you will find a possibility to keep your child," she smiles at me brightly, then gives me another tight hug, "Goodbye Allen. Take care."

"I will," I chuckle, "Goodbye Linali. I hope to see you soon."

"So do I," she answers.

Then she detaches herself from me and waves. She slowly leaves the apartment, looking at me as long as possible. I don't follow her because Kanda ordered me not to leave the flat without someone watching over me (and I don't have keys to get back in). I am feeling sad to let her go again, but I also know that I have no choice. So I only watch her through a window how she steps into Kanda's black car and they drive off towards the airport. Unconsciously a hand wanders to my abdomen, caressing the barely noticeable bump there, reminding me that I am never truly alone these days.

For some reason I wander into Kanda's bedroom after that, maybe trying to search comfort in the scent of the man I once loved. And while I am sitting there on the floor, leaning against his bed, one hand clutching the blanket, I contemplate if I can really say 'once'. Because even back then, no matter how much we fought or he even tried to hit me, my feelings never changed, sometimes even grew more. And the same now. Even though three years passed and he changed that much, being an ashole so often, I still feel so much for him. Just how only his voice, scent or presence can make me feel safe. How happy I am that he thinks of me like when he prepares the tea. And how nervous I got when he saw me this morning. And of course how much I wish to have him back as he was back then. How much I want to help him.

I groan and burry my head in the dark cloth, inhaling his scent. Even now I still love him. I love that jerk, great. Luckily he is way too dense to notice anything like that. I sigh and stand up, using the bed as support. I just want to leave the room when I spot white sheets on the table. Curiously I walk over and discover new drawings in pencil. Carefully I take them up and push the empty page at the top away. The first picture is a half unfinished drawing of our friend group. Lavi (who seems a bit older than I remember him) is grinning broadly, one arm around Linali's shoulders and the other around mine, both of us looking like we do right now and smiling. Another figure is standing more or less behind me. He or she is not finished, not more than a silhouette but guessing from the posture and the rest of the picture, I would say it is Alma. Softly my fingers brush over my own face and the contours of Alma's figure. Sadly I notice that again, Kanda has put himself nowhere in the picture. To me it looks as if he feels like he doesn't belong to our group.

When I look at the second picture though my eyes widen. It is a drawing of me and only me. I am sitting on the sofa next to the window, looking out of it, like I do so often these days. A blanket is laying over my legs and one of my hands supports my head. The other though is laying on my abdomen which is pretty round in the picture. Apparently I am much further in the pregnancy. I seem content in the picture and it causes me to smile as well. But why would Kanda draw something like that? I ponder over that fact for quite some time until I realise that he will come back soon and I better leave his bedroom. So I put the drawings away and hurry to my own room.

When he comes back, he seems more irritated than I have seen him in the whole time I spent with him. I get an uneasy feeling at the way he behaves but thankfully he doesn't let his anger out on me. He only ignores me for the rest of the day and leaves the flat at half past nine in the evening.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Am I making it too obvious what is wrong with Kanda? I hope not, but it's not long until it finally comes out anyway.**

 **Please review and see you next chapter at the weekend.**


	9. Shock in the middle of the night

**Hello everyone,**

 **next weekend, next chapter.**

 **To Ryuakilover: No, this story is going to be strictly in Allen's POV.**

 **Also to those who are always waiting for Lavi to appear: I am sorry, but it's still going to be quite some time until he comes. He doesn't have a big role in this story. It's nearly completely focused on Allen and Kanda.**

 **Nonetheless thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: This site is called fanfiction not authorfiction.**

* * *

One month passes without greater incidents. I notice Kanda is getting more and more tense the more time passes though. I also hear him leave in the middle of the night pretty often.

It slightly scares me because I have no idea where he goes this late. First I thought he would go to drink somewhere but I waited for him to come home one time (around half past four in the morning) and he wasn't drunk or anything like that. Maybe he is seeing someone, but I ruled that possibility out as well. It just doesn't fit him and his behaviour.

To add to my uneasiness though I spot bruises on his pale skin now and then. I asked him where he got them but he just scoffed that it wasn't my business.

I couldn't find anything more out about his change either, no matter how hard I try. The same goes for getting a connection to Lavi which caused Kanda to even throw a rage fit. Apart from that he is treating me well. Making me the tea and occasionally food, buying me what I need and helping me when I get sick (happened another five times, yuck). He tried to get me to see a doctor twice but I refused because I hate hospitals beyond anything, so he gave up.

My pregnancy is progressing fine as far as I can tell. The bump is growing, even though I am the only one who sees it. Regarding I am now over four months along, I can feel my baby move these days. The first time I felt a kick I was so happy I ran to Kanda who was in the living room, working. I ignored his bad mood at the time and ran straight up to him and grabbed his hand, laying it on my abdomen. At first he growled at me and was angry, but he stilled when he felt the movement under his palm. I smiled brightly up at him and in that moment for the first time I saw the smallest hint of a smile on his face. Just a little movement of the corner of his lips and a small glow in his eyes.

Right now I am laying in my bed at about five o'clock in the morning, unable to sleep because I can't shake off an uneasy feeling I have and my child won't keep still. So I am moving and trying to find a comfortable position. Kanda is away on his strange night activities, I heard him leaving at around ten o'clock and he still hasn't returned.

Suddenly I hear a loud crash which has me bolting up in the bed. It sounds like something smashed against the front door. But I am too tired to immediately drag myself out of the bed. And soon I hear the clicking of keys and the door slamming open. Apparently Kanda returned. Nothing to worry then. But I can't stop myself from getting a bad feeling when I hear the unsteady steps along the hallway. From what I can tell he is breathing hard and there is a strange noise which sounds nearly like something dripping to the floor.

I hear his bedroom door opening and harshly closing. After a short time he apparently stumbles into the bathroom, crashing against something in the process. Worry has me sitting up straight by now. What happened to Kanda to make him behave like that? Then I hear the shower starting and relax slightly. It can't be that bad right?

I am though proven wrong when I hear a thump from the small room. I tense up and wait for cursing or something like that. But nothing comes and that worries me. I wait some moments then decide that risking Kanda's wrath is worth it now, only to see if he's alright. So I carefully put my feet on the cold floor and stand up slowly.

Trying to make as little noise as possible I walk through corridor, stopping in front of Kanda's door. I take a deep breath and knock.

"Kanda? Are you there? Are you okay?" I ask tentatively, but the answer is only silence apart from the running shower.

My uneasy feeling climbs up a few notches so I carefully open the dark door. And my worry finally peeks when I enter. The room is dark and unlit but immediately I am able to distinct the coppery scent of blood. Fresh blood! What happened? Is Kanda injured? Suddenly my toe lands in something wet. Nervously I lean down and take some of it on my finger, smelling it. It is blood. There are drops of blood on the floor. Was that the dripping noise I heard earlier?

"Kanda? Where are you?" I call out worried but I still don't get an answer.

Putting a hand on my stomach I hurry to the bathroom. I pull it open, automatically blushing at the thought of seeing a naked Kanda. But my fright that something happened to him overrides that and I move inside. At first I don't spot him until I turn to the shower. Behind the class I see a slumped figure. My chest tightens at his posture. I knock on the glass.

"Kanda? Kanda, can you hear me? Are you okay?" I ask, my voice starting to get frantic.

I am close to panic when all I hear is a groan and something, I guess his hand, hitting the glass weakly. I take a breath and pull the shower door open. The shocking sight I see even distracts me from the fact that the raven is laying there stark naked.

He is sitting slumped down against the back wall of the shower. His legs are halfway brought up against his chest due to the cramped space. His head hangs slightly to the side, the long black locks soaked with water and falling to the floor. His eyes are only half open, trying to focus on me. His whole body is black and blue with the occasional small wound here or there. On his forehead is a big gash which is making blood run down over his right eye. Another gash is going across his right ribcage. He is thinner than I thought, his ribs are showing. But what shocks me the most is the left side of his chest. There is a black tattoo of a sign I don't know. Around it are lines, one forming a nearly full circle around it, the others spreading lightning-like from the first one over his collarbone, shoulder, side and ribcage. One nearly reaches his neck. It looks like… scars. I also spot one or two similar lines on his exposed left wrist.

"M-Mo-yashi…?" I suddenly hear him groan, ripping me out of my observing.

Hurriedly I kneel down next to him, touching him carefully, "What the hell happened to you? Why are you injured? Can you hear me?"

"Can, moyashi," he groans, "Why… you here? Why… am I down?"

"I think you blacked out in the shower. Your head wounds looks pretty bad. Can you get up?" I try to conquer my panic and ignore the strange pattern on his chest.

He puts a shaking hand on the side wall and tries to push himself up, but his arm gives away and he slumps back down. I frown at it then lean forward and carefully put a hand under his shoulder, supporting him. He doesn't even protest and leans on me. That alone shows me how bad he is at the moment. He groans deeply and pained when I lift him on his feet. This time I can't stop myself from blushing heavily because (obviously) he doesn't have anything on. So while walking out of the bathroom I grab a small towel with me. Kanda doesn't speak at all, just keeps his head low and his eyes are falling closed now and then. He lets me lay him on his bed and the towel over him.

After I turned the lights on, I take a closer look at him (not his body; I have time for that some other moment). There is a constantly bleeding wound on his forehead to his right temple, pouring blood over his eye. Another small flow of blood is coming from the slash across his ribs. Most of the bruises centre on his chest, abdomen, back and upper arms. It looks bad, I just hope there are no internal injuries. There is a lump on his right collarbone, like it is cracked or formerly broken. From his behaviour I would say he has a concussion too. Carefully I try to get his attention.

"Kanda, can you hear me? Can you talk?"

"Moyashi," he groans, "Drawer left… Second down… Salve, medicine…" He is not even able to form complete sentences anymore.

"The drawer here? It's locked…" I say when I rattle at the knob.

"Keys in jacket…"

I nod and walk over to the black piece of clothing which is thrown over the chair in front of the desk. I pick it up and search through the pockets until I find the keys. Unfortunately there are quite some of them. Not wanting to bother Kanda I just try the ones which look like they could fit. Luckily the second one opens it. Pulling it out, I stiffen slightly at the medicine I see inside. Not only salves like he said but also painkiller, sleep medicine and a lot of herbs.

"Kanda? These are quite some hard painkillers…" I ask nervously.

He only makes a dismissive move with his hand, "Not your problem. Get the damned salve."

I return to him, my worry coming back full force, "You look quite bad. I should call an ambulance."

But before I can move away a hand grips my wrist with surprising speed and strength, "No, you don't. No ambulance… Reason…"

"What reason?" I ask, but his eyes have fallen closed. Has he lost consciousness?

"Okay, I won't do it. You didn't bring me to the hospital either when I asked you not to. But you will have to explain later."

I hear a grunt from him and take it as confirmation. So I set on dressing his injuries. He has fallen deeply asleep by now, maybe unconscious, so at least he keeps still. I put salve on his bruises and bandage the cuts he has. For some reason I don't feel any panic at all, just focus on what I'm doing.

The final panic then kicks in when I am finished and have drawn the cover over him. My body starts shaking and I fall down next to the bed. I was so shocked when I found him like that. I work on regaining my breathing and steady myself. I know this is not good for my child so I really concentrate on calming down. When I am able to stand up, I walk over to him, carefully stretching my hand to touch the lines looking like scars on his shoulder. What is this? If these are really scars, how did they get there? They don't look like they came from an accident. More like… someone carved them there. But why would anybody do that? Kanda has a lot to explain when he wakes up.

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 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So what happened to Kanda this time? Next chapters Allen is finally getting an explanation.**

 **See you then and please review.**


	10. The origins of your scars

**Hello everyone,**

 **more answers today.**

 **Thanks for the Reviews.**

 **To Ryuakilover: Yes, Cross just ran off like that. As for the Noahs, they think Allen is dead so they are not searching for him anymore. And I call Kanda a boy too, even in this story.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, still waiting for chapters as well.**

* * *

But for now I need to talk to someone. I can't stand the eerie silence of the apartment. The only one who I can call is Linali so I hurriedly search for Kanda's phone, which I find on the drawer in the hallway. I manage to unlock it after some moments of frantic trying. Hastily I search Linali's number in his address book. I put the mobile to my ear and listen to the ringtones. It takes quite some time until someone picks up and a tired voice is heard.

 _"_ _Kanda? Why are you calling me at midnight?"_

"Linali, is that you?" I ask in a shaking voice.

 _"_ _Allen?"_ she asks surprised, getting worried, _"Why are you calling over Kanda's phone? You sound nervous? Are you two okay?"_

"We're okay," I say but even I find it not very believable, "I'm fine. But Kanda… He collapsed in the shower."

 _"_ _He collapsed? What happened? Did he…?"_ her voice is turning panicked as well.

"I don't know. He came home injured. I guess he has a concussion and blacked out because of this."

 _"_ _His injuries,"_ she hurriedly nearly frantic asks, _"Do they look like they were made with a knife or something similar?"_

Surprised I look up, "No, it looks like he was beaten up."

I hear her let out a sigh of relief, _"Thank god. Do you know what happened? And how is he now?"_

"I don't know what happened. I took care of him, bandaged him up and he is sleeping in his bed right now."

 _"_ _Okay, that's good. I'm sorry, but I can't leave here at the moment. The next time I can come is in two months. You will have to look after him alone. Do me a favour and put everything sharp away from him, including Mugen."_

"Why that?" I ask irritated.

 _"_ _Don't ask, please. Just do it."_

"Uhm, okay. But I have another question," I say, remembering the strange pattern on Kanda's chest.

 _"_ _What is it?"_ she answers and I can hear the tenseness in her voice.

"When I, well, treated him, I saw some strange lines on his left shoulder." At that I hear her draw in a breath. "Where does that tattoo come from? And what are these other lines?"

 _"_ _So you saw it…"_ she says sadly, _"The tattoo he made together with Alma about two months after you left, when they came together. He had the same."_

Then she quiets and I decide to bore because she hasn't answered my second question, "And these other lines? They are not tattoo lines. Actually they look like scars?"

She takes a deep breath, _"They are. Kanda is going to hate me for telling you but I think you have a right to know. And please don't think badly of him after what you may hear."_

I look at the phone surprised and a bit frightened of what I am going to find out. But nonetheless I want to know.

"If these are scars… Where do they come from? It was not an accident, was it?"

 _"_ _No, it wasn't. He made them himself,"_ she reveals in a pained voice.

I can't believe what I am hearing!

"He made them himself?! What?! Why?" I nearly scream into the receiver.

I hear her breath hitch like she is keeping herself from crying. I can basically see her shaking with the phone in her hand, face pained and eyes full of unshed tears.

 _"_ _He… He had a really hard time back then… After Alma died… And then Daisya and all that happened… He needed a way… to l-let it out… And with him n-not doing kendo anymore…"_ she stutters out, her voice breaking.

I breathe in deeply and swallow hard. She can't mean what I think she does? I always thought of Kanda as someone unattainable. He wouldn't! But did I ever really know how he felt? No, I didn't. No one did. But even so…

"You-You m-mean…" I ask frightened.

She takes a deep breath, _"Y-Yeah. He-He started c-cut-ting,"_ sniffles are breaking her sentence.

I realise just how hard this time must have been on all of them. First I left, then Alma died, then Daisya and then Kanda who always seemed the strongest of the whole group broke down and brought himself close to death as well.

"So these lines on his chest are actually scars and he… cut them himself in there…" I ask, my voice reduced to a breath.

 _"_ _Yes,"_ she answers silently.

"How long was he doing it? How did you find out? But he did stop, didn't he? That was what you were talking about the last evening you were here, right?"

The question are frantically pouring out of me. I just can't believe it, trying to wrap my mind around the new information. I don't want to imagine their shock when they found out. I bet they didn't know the whole time, Kanda would have never told anyone.

 _"_ _He stopped yes, thank god,"_ she answers the most important question first, _"Yes, we were talking about that, even though you really shouldn't have eavesdropped on that."_

She scolds me and then stops before she can get to the actual issue.

"And the other things…" I continue.

 _"_ _We are not sure how long he exactly did it but as far as we know for about half a year."_

"Half a year? How did you get him to stop?"

 _"_ _Shock therapy, I would call it. And his iron will after something really bad happened. Maybe getting away from all of us helped."_

I am getting a really bad feeling again, "Shock? Something really bad? Linali what are you not telling me? And you still didn't say how you found out."

 _"_ _Lavi,"_ she takes a deep breath, _"found him…"_

"Found him…?"

 _"_ _Laying there…"_ I hear her shaking badly, _"Bleeding… literally to… death…"_

"To death?!" my voice is horrified, "He tried to… k-kill himself?!"

 _"_ _We don't think he actually attempted suicide… He cut too close to the vein at his throat and opened it, accidently we assume. But on the other hand I don't think he tried to fight it."_

Her voice is silent, breaking and I can hear the tears. I am shaking too. Alone the thought that Kanda nearly died, can make me panic. The thought that he wouldn't be here anymore to pick me up, to look after me and that the man I love is dead is frightening. Then I hear her voice again, more frightened than I have ever heard her.

 _"_ _I will n-never forget that day, when Lavi c-called, v-voice frantic, that K-Kanda was in the h-hospital. That he probably a-attempted s-suicide. That he may-maybe w-wouldn't make it, b-because he lost t-too much blood,"_ she is crying now, I can hear it.

And there are tears running down my cheeks as well. Just finding him like this today was enough I wouldn't want to imagine the situation she was explaining.

"What happened then?" I breathe frightened.

 _"_ _We drove to the h-hospital. Komui and me. L-Lavi was already there, c-close to crying. K-Kanda was in s-surgery. Tiedoll was too m-much in a shock and still mourning over D-Daisya to come. When K-Kanda came out, the doctor said that he will s-survive, but that he was probably c-cutting for some t-time and if we knew something. We were shocked of course, we knew n-nothing. When we c-confronted Kanda later, he reluctantly let us in on what h-happened. Lavi and I tried our best to s-support him after that. Unfortunately Tiedoll was not really helpful and his mood made it only worse for Kanda, so about a month after he left the hospital we took him out of the house and eventually encouraged him to move away. That's actually how he ended up in London."_

I can't say a word, it's like my throat is tied closed from all the things I learned in the past minutes. To think that Kanda would break down so far that he would cut until nearly killing himself is shocking and frightening for me, especially regarding I still love him. My hand is shaking and tears are running down my cheeks, my baby is moving restlessly inside me, my free hand rubbing soothing circles. I think back at the pattern I saw on Kanda's chest, it nearly looked like artwork, as morbid as that sounds now. Most people just randomly cut but he did it after a pattern, a plan. But it also shows how little we all knew him, no one would have thought of it because he always seemed so strong, but it was not as true as we thought. Suddenly I hear Linali clear her throat.

 _"_ _I am sorry, that you had to find that out, especially in such a way. Like I said, please do not think badly of Kanda now, we all kind of understand why he did it. Also he really hates it when someone speaks about it. That was the reason I said to put sharp things away from him after today's injuries. Even though you said it was not from a blade if he found back to covering his emotions up with physically pain, he might start again and it is not even a year in the past. We don't need a repeat of what happened back then. None of us can take that."_

I gulp loudly and take a deep breath, "No, the wounds today are surely not from cutting. I will be careful and watch him, don't worry. But I don't think I can stop myself from asking him. I am sorry to have reminded you of those painful memories."

 _"_ _It is okay,"_ she sighs, _"It just hurts to think about that. It was a hard time for all of us. Look well after Kanda, he needs it. I will end the call now, it's in the middle of the night and I think I need a break of reminiscing."_

"I understand. Thank you for telling me and sorry," I answer silently, still shocked.

 _"_ _No problem. Goodbye Allen. And tell Kanda to call when he's better."_

"I will. Goodbye Linali," and with that she ends the call and I put the phone down.

It takes me a moment, then I start shaking and a familiar nausea hits me. I put a hand over my mouth and run to the bathroom. I fall in front of the toilet and immediately throw up into it. My body heaves at the thought of Kanda in a pool of blood. I am kneeling on the cold floor and shaking for about a minute until I remember that I have a life growing inside of me and stress, which definitively includes panic attacks like this, is really bad for it. So I force myself to calm down for the I-don't-remember-how-many-th time this evening. It still takes me another five minutes until I am able to stand up.

Slowly I wander back over to Kanda's room. I have to take a deep breath before I can open the door. When I do, I shudder at the smell of blood that hits me. It reminds me too much of what Linali just told me. I walk over to the bed. Kanda is still sleeping peacefully and I sit myself next to him. Carefully I brush the cover back a bit, revealing the scars on his shoulder. Tentatively I reach out to touch them. My fingers brush over his normal skin and the harsher tissue of the lines.

"Oh god, Kanda. What have you done to yourself?" I ask softly.

I don't get a proper answer of course, he is still sleeping, but I hear him sigh, I would say nearly contentedly. And he, even only a little moves his head towards my hand and into the touch. I can't stop looking at him, the thought that he nearly died not leaving me. So when I get tired I just don't return to my room, but instead let my exhausted body lay down next to Kanda, breathing in his scent from underneath the blood.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I hope the backstory is believable. I mean usually in the fics Allen's the one who is cutting.**

 **And some questions from me: Until which book/chapter of the manga does D Gray-man Hallow reach? And that Zombie incident isn't included, is it?**

 **Review please and perhaps if you know the answer.**

 **Next chapter is going to be up on friday, see you then.**


	11. The whole shocking truth

**Hello everyone,**

 **like promised the next chapter today already.**

 **Because starting next week I won't have any Internet for about 2-3 weeks, you will get two more chapters until Monday.**

 **Thank you for all your reviews and I am really happy that you like the story.**

 **Also thanks for the answers to my question.**

 **Disclaimer: Hah, I think it's pretty obvious by now...**

* * *

Ha

I awake to an empty stomach and groaning. It takes me a moment then I realise that it comes from Kanda. My head shoots up, eyes focussing on the raven.

"Kanda?" I ask tentatively and reach out a hand to touch his cheek, "Are you awake?"

He groans again and one of his hands grips his head, slightly unsteady, "M-Moyashi?"

I grin relieved, "It's Allen. How do you feel?"

"Horrible," he grumbles, "What happened?"

I frown, "That's what I wanted to ask you. You came home in the middle of the night, beaten up and bleeding. What have you been doing?"

He closes his eyes with an annoyed noise, apparently trying to remember what happened. Suddenly something seems to come to his mind and he groans again. I hear him curse under his breath then he turns away from me. But I don't give up. There are many things he has to explain to me. So I grab his shoulder and try to turn him back.

"No, you will answer me this time. You gave me quite the scare. You are going to explain today what you have been doing all these nights. Plus," I take a deep breath, "Linali told me about these scars on your shoulder. We are going to talk about that as well."

I feel him stiffen but not move. He doesn't say anything though. But before I can start to question him, I hear a loud growl coming from my stomach. I blush slightly even though he can't see it.

"Okay, I am going to make me breakfast first. And a tea for both of us, but when I'm coming back you are going to talk whether you like it or not. And you're not going to get out of this, are we understood?"

Not hearing an affirmation but neither complaints I stand up and walk out. While I do so, I see him clutch the blanket tighter around himself and roll into a ball. I frown at his strange behaviour. While preparing the meal and eating I can't keep my thoughts away from him and what I will find out. I am kind of afraid if I would be honest, but this is not the time to be, so I push it away. After I am finished I grab a pot of tea and two cups and walk back into Kanda's room. He is still curled in the sheets but from his tense figure and the shifting when I open the door, I know he's not sleeping. So I put the tray down and sit on the bed again. Carefully I shake his shoulder.

"Kanda, sit up. I have tea here, to help with your headache."

He grumbles something incoherently, but doesn't move. I sigh.

"I'm serious. This is not a joke, you are injured and these scars on your shoulder are grave. You have to talk about it. I know you prefer to bottle it up, but that only leads to things like what caused these scars, so this time I am not letting you. I said already, you saved me from the streets and in return I am saving you from whatever dark place you are."

He grumbles again but this time at least turns to me, "I don't need saving, moyashi."

"Oh yes, you do. From what Linali told me tonight you already nearly killed yourself once. And these injuries are not from a fall down some stairs either, so you indeed need some help," I tell him nonchalantly, holding one of the mugs under his nose.

Cursing under his breath he sits up slowly, only to take the tea, but avoids looking me in the eye, "I don't need help from anyone. I can deal with it on my own."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair at his stubbornness, "Well, obviously you alone isn't enough or you would have solved it already," I give him a stern look which he ignores, "I am not suggesting therapy, because I bet the others already tried that and judging from your character I don't think it would be of any use. I would rather think that to get you back to your old life, to replace hurting yourself in whatever way, with, I don't know, more time with your friends or maybe starting Kendo again."

"My friends? Lavi is on a world journey and the girl is researching somewhere," he scoffs, still not looking at me.

I try to hide my disappointment that he didn't mention me and simply classify it as defiance or the fact that I disappeared for three years. From his behaviour I would say he still didn't forgive me that.

"For the moment I am still here and I won't leave if you want that. And after that you can keep up the contact with the two."

Only for a second his eyes meet mine and they are as expressive as they were back then, but there are too many emotions at once as that I would be able to read any of them. But I think to detect a shimmer of hope in it. That causes me to feel warmer and my heart to beat faster. Then he turns away again.

"Che. And I just can't do Kendo anymore, I –"

"Yes, I know," I interrupt him, "You don't do it anymore, because you blame yourself for Alma's death. But even when you have heard it thousands of times, it is true. That had nothing to do with it! I am sure Alma would not want that you give up something so important to you, just because of him. I also doubt that he would want you to vent your sadness in the way you do. Think about it. You loved Kendo once, it was your way of coping with things. Even I knew that. When you were upset, you would train with your sword. And now that you're not sword-fighting anymore you had to find a different way to deal with your emotions."

'Only that you found the worst way possible,' I add in my thoughts, out loud I say, "So it would be the best way to go back to Kendo because you know that and trusted in it once, so you can again."

He is silent after my small speech and only looking down into his mug.

"To be honest, moyashi," I suddenly hear him say in a sad and silent tone, "I am not sure if I have the strength anymore…"

I smile softly and use one hand to rub his back comfortingly, "I know you do. Plus I am here to support you. And Linali and Lavi will surely help as well if they can."

He still doesn't look up, but I feel some of his tense muscles relax and he very slightly leans into my touch. We sit some minutes in comfortable silence until I can't keep quite anymore.

"And now we need to talk. What happened to you last night? And why and when did you start cutting?"

His hands tighten around the mug until I hear a crack from it. I rub his back.

"Kanda, you need to talk about it. Linali only told me bits and I won't judge you, I swear. I think I… understand you. I just want to know it so I can help you. So please talk."

He keeps silent for quite some time but I decide to give it to him and wait until he says something. And he finally does even though it's mumbled and sounds uncomfortably defeated.

"What do you want to know?"

"Linali told me these scars are from cutting and you made them yourself, correct?"

"Yeah…"

"When and why did you start?"

"About a month after Daisya died. I was still grieving for Alma and was angry about your disappearance when it happened. It caused Tiedoll to become all depressed and that made everything worse. As annoying as he is, right then Marie and I would have needed him and his annoyingly optimistic attitude, but he wasn't there."

"How did Marie deal with it?" I try to get his mind off the subject at least for a moment.

"He dived into his music and relationship."

I nod, "I guess my earlier assumption that you needed an outlet for your sadness instead of sword-fighting is correct?"

I get a slow nod as well.

"Did you do it with a sword? Mugen?"

"Normally not, it's way too long. Only once or twice when it was really bad."

The blank and neutral way he is speaking about a matter like that sends chills down my spine. Like a worker discussing the advantages of different tools rather than a life-threatening problem like cutting. How bad does one have to get to gain such an uncaring attitude towards it?

"Why did you do it… like that?" I gesture to his chest.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," I scratch my head, "Not to be tactless but most people just cut straight lines on their arms or stomach. But you nearly did, for the lack of better words, an artwork." Something that just bugged me no matter how embarrassing or inappropriate it sounds.

He looks at me a bit strangely and I blush but he answers nonetheless, "I don't really know. It just happened. The… first time… I did it, I was staring at the tattoo, so maybe…"

I nod, showing him that he doesn't need to continue, instead I come to a harder subject, "L-Linali also said you a-attempted s-suicide once as well and – " But I don't get further when I hear him say something softly.

"Twice"

"What?" I ask him shocked, at what I thought to hear and his interruption.

"Twice. I nearly died twice," he growls nearly inaudible.

I swallow heavily, "Twice? You tried to kill yourself two times?!"

"No," he answers uncomfortably, "The second time was more of an accident."

"The one you ended up in hospital after Lavi found you? Why they found out?"

"Yeah"

"So it really wasn't planned at that time," I sigh and his gaze lowers to his mug.

Unconsciously my right hand reaches out for the one scar which runs so high on his neck. That must be the one from that time. He nearly jumps out of bed when my fingers touch it.

"This one, right? This nearly costed your live?" I murmur, not directly at him.

He grumbles an affirmation but doesn't try to bat my hand away even though he seems highly uncomfortable. I retreat my hand.

"And the first time?"

"About two weeks earlier. It didn't work and no one was at home. No one noticed that time."

He holds his hands out to me. Surprised I look down and spot two straight scars across each wrist. Again I reach out to touch them. And it's that blank voice from him again. It's nearly getting frightening by now.

"They… They weren't deep enough, so I just slept for a long time and was dizzy the next days," he says silently.

I just nod without a word. This is enough. I think he has talked enough about the cutting and I am not sure if I can take any more. I sure as hell don't want to hear anymore. So I let his hands go and look straight into his eyes.

"And this now?" I motion to his body, "These are no knife injuries. So that surely is no cutting. What happened and what were you doing in the middle of the night?"

He turns away again, avoiding my gaze, but I am not going to relent now! No way! We came that far, he is not going to shut down again. So I determinedly crawl in front of him, more or less sitting on his legs, straddling him. I grab his head with both hands and force him to look into my eyes.

"What were you doing each night? Answer me, Kanda."

His eyes dart away, but luckily he is still not fit enough to put up much of a fight at the moment. Very reluctantly he finally speaks.

"You have been in those dirty district of London. You know about fighting clubs?"

I frown for a moment, thinking, "There are some groups who bet on illegal fist-fights. Pretty shady and bloody. I never saw one, why?"

He avoids my gaze and I narrow my eyes, "From where do you know that? Wait… You were there," I gasp at a small nod from him, "Did you bet and loose?"

He looks at me irritably, "I did never bet. I don't like gambling and alike."

"But then…?"

"I didn't bet. I fought."

At that I nearly fall off his lap. I heard these fights are beyond brutal. How could he do that? Especially with so little injury that I did never really notice. And does his beating mean he lost this time?

"Oh god," I can't help but gasp, "That means you lost a fight last night?"

"No," he grumbles, "I never lost."

I frown. Just how good of a fighter must he be to never lose? If it's correct what he says.

"But what happened then?"

"One of the fucking betters got angry. Apparently he put a lot of money on my adversaries and lost every time. Plus I had no stupid 'manager' which you could give money so I would lose on purpose and neither would I accept it. I would fucking never lose on purpose."

Ah yes, Kanda and his pride. I always teased him that it would be his downfall one day. But I can't really find it bad in this situation. He continues, unfazed of my groan.

"So after yesterday's matches were over, that bastard and his stupid henchmen caught me when I wanted to leave. They held me down while he fucking beat me. Of course I wouldn't just let them do and instead fought, but they were too many, even for me and they bloody had brass knuckles. I managed to flee in the end. After that I can barely remember what happened."

He finishes his explanation and automatically I recount the end, "You came home injured. You made it to the shower and collapsed there. I got worried and found you like that, so I took you to your bed. I treated your bruises and after that you fell asleep while I phoned Linali in my panic."

He stills after my words and our eyes meet. I can't read him at all, but none of us moves. Then, instinctively and still in shock from all that happened and what I found out I lean forward to him. When I'm close enough I wrap my arms around him, pressing my body against his warmth, reassuring myself that he is here and alive. He stiffens when I touch him at first, but relaxes and very, very slowly puts his own arms around me. I cuddle as close to him as I can and press my face in his chest. Immediately all the fright of the previous hours comes crashing down and I start shaking again, tears breaking free from my eyes. But this time I have Kanda here and his warmth and presence calming me. As he notices my distress he reluctantly (and I guess, kind of out of instinct) rubs one hand down my back, while the other pulls me to his right chest, away from his scars. He is murmuring something but I can only halfway understand because it's Japanese. But it calms me so I am glad. And it doesn't take me long until my exhaustion takes over and I fall back asleep in Kanda's arms.

* * *

I wake up some hours later. Slowly my eyes drift open and I unconsciously sigh at Kanda's scent surrounding me. It makes me feels safe. But then my gaze wanders over the sheets in front of me and I shoot up. The bed is empty! Where is Kanda? Where is he gone?

So I jump out of bed, having to hold onto the post, because a dizzy spell hits me. I groan and grab my head. To add to it I feel a hard kick from my stomach.

"Yes, yes, I am not panicking again," I murmur to it and push myself away from the wood.

Slowly I make my way over to the door, trying to ignore a blood stained towel next to the bed which wasn't there before. I take a deep breath and step out of the room.

"Kanda?" I call tentatively, "Where are you?"

After a glance in the empty living room, my chest tightens, but I refuse to let fear take me over again. So I proceed to the kitchen. And there I finally find him. He's fine from the looks of it, leaning against the counter and staring down into a mug of tea, appearing completely absent-minded. I sigh in relief that he is fine, but blush nonetheless because he is still bare-chested. Carefully I enter, not being able to withstand the smell of the food cooking in front of him.

"Kanda," I say and lay a hand on his shoulder, "Are you okay?"

"Just fine, moyashi," he grumbles and I am glad that he is back to his old persona even if it means he is going to be a jerk again.

"Sit down," he growls, "Food's gonna be ready soon."

I do so and immediately a mug of herb tea is placed in front of me. I smile a bit but can't help but frown about him already being up.

"Shouldn't you be resting? You're injured after all."

"You're the one who is pregnant and should be resting, not fucking looking after me," he answers nonchalantly.

I pout and stare up at him, "But I'm not invalid, you on the other hand looked pretty bad last night."

"It will heal, for god's sake. I heal fast!" he growls.

I nod and quiet after that to prevent any outburst from him. Apparently he himself hasn't coped with what happened in the last night yet either, so it's better to let him his space.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Phew, long chapter. But it holds the whole story of what happened to Kanda.**

 **Kanda is kind of OOC again, but keep in mind that he is siffering from blood loss and a heavy concussion.**

 **Hope you like it, please review.**

 **Next chapter saturday or sunday, see you then.**


	12. First step in the right direction

**Hello everyone,**

 **after hearing the whole truth last chapter, now Allen is trying to find a solution.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **To jy24: Like I already wrote, the Noahs think Allen is dead. They won't track him, but if by coincidence he is found it would probably end badly for him as long as he is alone. Now that he has Kanda by his side, they most likely wouldn't dare to take him.**

 **Disclaimer: I may own a copy of each available volume, but never DGM itself.**

* * *

After that time progresses slowly while I am watching out for any sign that he is cutting or going to that fight club again. I caught him sneaking out one night and threatened to hide the key if he ever did it again. Luckily I still have good reflexes even four and a half months pregnant, because he snapped pretty badly. His mood is not getting better either, I can see that he lacks a way to deal with all his emotional baggage and since I took his outlet from him he is lashing out instead.

I have tried to animate him to pick up a sword again, but his frustration only grew when I wouldn't let him use Mugen, but only a practice sword. He already threw that across the room twice in a failed attempt to train. Also forcing him to a dojo has proven to be useless, because he just snapped at the owner, got into a fight with one of the pupils (because he called them 'weaklings') and afterwards got thrown out.

I barely have time to concentrate on my own problems (especially being pregnant for example) while he is being stubborn. The biggest problem might also just be that he refuses to accept help. He is a jerk, far worse than three years ago. On the other hand I found two things that would calm him down. One, to go to a park, into nature and sometimes pretend to not look at him, so he can draw in peace. I tried asking him about his drawings but he reacted nearly as badly as when I talked about cutting. The second thing is surprisingly to put his hand on my abdomen. Apparently feeling my baby move soothes him somehow. I don't know why, but I'm really happy about it.

Two weeks have passed since that fateful evening and he is getting seriously irritable, so I came up with a new plan to get him sword-fighting again. He has been taking me out to the park often these days and it is good for both of us. So this time I take two of the practice swords I found in his storeroom with me. He eyes the long package I am carrying with distrust but doesn't say anything in favour of getting into nature faster.

When we arrive there he breathes in deeply first. Then he takes a small basket with snacks for me and something to drink and strides away into the green, leaving me to hurry after him. I only roll my eyes but grab the swords and follow him.

After about half an hour of letting him calm down, I sit up determinedly. Time to start my plan. So I pull the swords to me and inch closer to him.

"Kanda? Can you please do me a favour?" I ask softly.

He grunts, "What, moyashi?"

In favour of getting somewhere I ignore my nickname and instead come up in front of him, looking at him pleadingly.

"Can you please show me how to fight with the sword? Like we did back then."

My eyes are fixed on him, when I see his widen at my bidding. When I still lived in Japan he showed me the basics and we would spar sometimes (he being ridiculously stronger than me) which often eventually turned into one of our usual brawls.

"No way, moyashi. You're pregnant, we can't fight now," he growls an answer, trying to look everywhere but the swords I am holding in his face.

I pout, "I never said anything about our usual fights. I only want you to show me how to wield a sword."

"You can't fight now, you are – "

"Pregnant. Yes, you mentioned that. And that's why I am asking you now, because soon I will be too huge to move properly so I need to learn the moves now. So I will be able to defend myself when I'm back on the streets," I prod on, hoping to get through to him, "Please Kanda."

I see an unknown emotion flash in his eyes when I mention that I am returning to the streets. He stares at me and I can basically see the fight going on inside of him. Even I can see the longing to hold the sword again in his eyes. The sword defines him, always did, and he needs it. But on the other hand his stubbornness which still connects the sword with Alma's death won't let him.

"Please Kanda. I know I am already making you do so much for me, but I promise I won't ask for anything else after that, I will even make my meals myself. But please train with me now," I continue to plead.

His eyes fix now on the wood I am still holding out to him. As he doesn't protest this time I simply push it in one of his hands and pull him on his feet. It takes me some effort but regarding he is more or less unresponsive and only following someone's (my) lead it works. When he stands I pull him to an open space of grass and step next to him holding my sword. I smile at him.

"Come on, Kanda. I need your help. The stance was like that, right?" I position my feet as good as I can remember. "And now? Like this?"

I do some movements with the sword, deliberately wrong. He blinks and scowls at the sword in his hand and then at me, but he doesn't say anything.

And then, slowly and reluctantly, he starts to show me how to do it, correcting my stance and movements. I purposely make him show me the moves over and over again, before copying them. And it is fascinating to watch how fast he slips into the rhythm again. After only a quarter of an hour there is no doubt in his step anymore, no staggering or reluctance, only the cat-like grace I always admired about him. He himself seems surprised but starts to do more on his own after about one and a half hours, which greatly relieves me because a) it is great to see him back doing Kendo b) I am beat! Sword training is fucking exhausting with a child in my belly. How much exactly is that baby draining of my energy?!

So I am happy that after some time I can just let myself fall down back onto the grass next to the place Kanda is still training on. And I am completely content with simply watching him. He is moving like he never stopped sword-fighting (even though he did for two years). But most important, for as long as I have seen him after these three years, for the first time he looks completely at peace. His old way of coping brings him as much calm as it did back then. I am happy that I was able to make him feel better at least for some minutes. I just hope he doesn't give it up again after that.

But I am not the only one who is watching him. People who were taking a walk in the park stop to look at him. The way he moves is graceful and enticing. I smile, I always found it beautiful when he was training. To me it looks more like a dance sometimes. A deadly dance though, if he wants it. And he is not even using Mugen which he knows like the back of his hand (and the steel just looks better than the dull wood of the training sword). But after Linali's comment I haven't yet dared to give the sharp sword back. A small crowd has gathered by now, watching him. His eyes are closed but I am pretty sure he is aware of them and not exactly happy about it.

Nonetheless he trains for nearly three hours. I have set on dozing after some time to regain the energy I spent during moving my own sword. When he finally finishes with a long series of fast slashes and a jump he has the faintest hint of a smile on his face. Then he lowers his sword and turns to make his way over to me. He earns applause from the people who were watching him but he ignores them, his eyes fixed on me. I gulp because he is smirking while he approaches my resting space. I hold my breath when he steps next to me, but the first thing he does is grab a bottle of water from the basket and drink.

Nonetheless I have to gulp. From the training in the sun he is sweaty, some strands of his long hair plastered to his neck, his muscles are more pronounced through the damp shirt. And well, I can't exactly ignore the man I love (/want) all sweaty and hot next to me. Yes, yes, I know. That pregnancy symptom kicked in. But it's not my fault he looks so good!

That's why I have to force my body to concentrate when he lets himself fall down next to me, his scent overwhelming me. Luckily he doesn't notice. Instead he only smirks at me.

"I know what you were after," he says to me, voice slightly husky from his work-out.

I gulp, "Uh…" is the very intelligent answer I manage.

But his smirk only grows, "You never wanted to train how to fight yourself. The only thing you were after was to force me to take the sword back in hand."

He means that! Thank god. I release a deep breath. I answer with a (slightly wavering) smirk of my own.

"Maybe"

He turns to look straight ahead, his face changing from a smirk to a thoughtful one.

"Well, you sure as hell succeeded in that."

I frown at his expression, "And I think it did you good. Do you regret it?"

It takes a moment of silence then he answers, his eyes never leaving the sun setting on the horizon.

"Not really. It helped me get all that shit out of my head for some time."

I smile and lay a hand on his arm, "See? That's what I meant with 'you need sword-fighting'. It is your way of coping with bad stuff that happens and without it, the results are dangerous."

"Hm…" he makes an approving sound but still doesn't look at me.

I sigh and simply watch him, the red light of the sunset playing on his pale, angular features, alighting them. Strands of his silky, black hair catching in the wind. Those deep, dark eyes gleaming with unreadable emotion. Suddenly he turns to me.

"Then I guess," he says very silently, "I have to say thank you for forcing me back to the sword."

"It was my pleasure," I breathe, surprised by his words.

He chuckles softly and for a moment I am back in time three years ago, when our world was still undamaged. No bigger problems than schoolwork, petty fights, annoying family and maybe the first love. My first love is now laying next to me and I can simply enjoy his presence. We rarely had these calm moments back then because one of us would surely start an argument. Yes, even we grew up, in a positive direction as well.

I look at him and blush softly when I realise just how close he actually is. Our noses are nearly touching and he is staring straight at me. I am looking back, losing myself in his dark orbs, expressive once more but unreadable. Oh how I wish I knew what he is thinking right now. My only thought is that I simply had to lean a tad bit closer and then I could kiss him. Or maybe that he seems to be leaning closer to me. It can't be, can it? He could never have this same intent. My heart is beating fast in my chest and I am taking deep breaths. Just one centimetre closer…

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Uh-uh what is going to happen here? ;)**

 **Sorry, cliffhanger, but the next chapter is going to be up on Monday so you won't have to wait long.**

 **See you then and please review.**


	13. Incidents

**Hello everyone,**

 **last chapter for about three weeks for now.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **To Ryuakilover: Tiedoll is going to appear later on. I am not explaining how or why yet, but eventually they are going to meet him. As for your second question, I didn't really understand what you meant. If you mean where he was when Kanda landed in hospital, Linali explained that he was more or less depressed because of Daisya and didn't support Kanda at the time. He mostly stayed away from him.**

 **Disclaimer: Nothing changed during the weekend.**

* * *

 _My only thought is that I simply had to lean a tad bit closer and then I could kiss him. Or maybe that he seems to be leaning closer to me. It can't be, can it? He could never have this same intent. My heart is beating fast in my chest and I am taking deep breaths. Just one centimetre closer…_

Suddenly a loud crash resounds through the park and both our heads shoot around. Kanda immediately jumps up in front of me, instinctively grabbing one of the practice swords. I can't help but smile at this familiar and most likely unconscious move. But there is nothing he has to protect me from, because we soon spot the reason for the sound. A boy flew his remote-controlled airplane straight into a tree. Kanda relaxes and puts the sword down.

Nonetheless the moment we just had is gone. And I can't help but be disappointed by it. He was about to kiss me! Okay, maybe not, but a bit of wishful thinking is allowed, not? Anyway I am pretty red right now and am thankful for the light of the setting sun. Kanda is standing in front of me, he sighs and then stretches. I have to look away when I see his muscled back under his shirt to keep my body from reacting. Then he turns around and bends down to get what we brought with us today.

"We should go home now," he grumbles, "It is getting late. You need rest and I a fucking shower."

I can only nod, while he gathers everything in the basket and straightens up again. It seems he is considering something for a moment then holds out a hand to me. I thankfully grab it and he pulls me to my feet, being careful not to move me too fast and induce another dizzy spell. I can't help but give him a shy smile and a 'thank you'. He only nods and heads towards his car.

The drive home passes silently, both of us caught up in our own thoughts. I can't forget that moment at the park when he was so close. If that crash would have not interrupted us, would he have kissed me? Does that mean he likes me too? What were all those conflicting emotions in his eyes?

So many questions are flying around my head that as soon as we arrive at the apartment I retreat to my room, fall onto my bed and into a deep sleep.

* * *

The next day I urge him to go to the park again. I push a training sword in his hands as soon as we arrive and ignore his complaints. It takes me some minutes to convince him into sword-fighting again, his resistance way smaller than last time. And soon he is moving over the grass in a cat-like grace again. And I am laying under a tree, watching him, as content as he. Of course the crowd is gathering as well.

I doze off after about two hours, my body claiming the energy needed for the baby. I don't know how long I sleep but when I come slowly back to consciousness, I feel my head laying on something comfortable and surrounded by a calming scent. I breathe in deeply and immediately recognise the foresty note. Could it be? Kanda? Very slowly I let my eyes slide open and look around without moving my head.

To my surprise I notice that my head is laying on Kanda's leg, which he has crossed over the other. His eyes are closed and he is breathing calmly. Those who don't know him might think he is sleeping, but I know he is just meditating, something I haven't seen him do lately either. I smile slightly and snuggle my head into the material of his trouser. What I don't notice is the hint of a smile that creeps on Kanda's face as well.

I doze off half-way again, pretending to be fully asleep. Only to feel something surprising after about half an hour. A hand, very softly and nearly shyly, running across my abdomen, caressing the small bump that has formed there. My heart begins to beat faster and I unconsciously hold my breath, because the only person who is close enough right now is Kanda. I don't notice for the first time that he shows a surprising interest, care and softness when it comes to my pregnancy, my child. But I am happy to let him do, if he gets better with that and meanwhile comes closer to me, I am more than glad. Plus he always looks out that I lack nothing in my pregnancy.

So I just simply lay there still and enjoy his little caresses. After a (for me way too) short while the hand leaves and we fall in silence for about ten minutes. Then I start to feel cold and apparently noticing that, the raven lays a hand on my shoulder and shakes me.

"Moyashi, wake up! We have to go home!"

I groan but lift my head up, looking at him with tired eyes. He only rolls his eyes and stands up, grabbing our stuff. Then he pulls me to my feet again. Yawning I follow him back to the car. I notice how he throws me a nearly concerned look. I only shake my head, telling him that I am fine. He raises an eyebrow but stares ahead.

Back home, he immediately orders me to sleep and I comply without arguing for once. For some reason I am really tired.

* * *

The next morning I awake my head is pretty fuzzy and I barely manage to open my eyes. What is wrong? Did I catch something? I hope not, it could affect the baby. Very, very slowly I heave myself out of bed. I have to use everything I can as support to not land on the floor. When I open the door of my room, I can hear small noises from the kitchen. Kanda must be there. Kanda, I need his help. I really do and now. I don't feel good. Breathing hard I stumble along the wall. The kitchen door is slightly ajar and I push it open easily.

"K-Kanda?" I voice out.

At the pretty off sound of my voice he spins around frowning. I am leaning against the door frame and trying not to black out. When his eyes fall on me, they widen. He drops the pan in his hands and hurries towards me. His hands grab my shoulders to steady me.

"Moyashi! What the fuck is wrong with you?" His voice sounds urgent.

"I-I don't know. I w-woke up like t-that. But I don't f-feel so g-good," I murmur, my legs giving way underneath me.

He curses and catches me, "You're fucking burning up, moyashi. You have to get back to bed!"

I only mumble something incomprehensible. Normally I would be happy to be carried by Kanda, but right now my sickness is more important. I press my face into the crook of his neck, nearly moaning at his cool skin. I feel him stiffen at the contact, whether from my heat or the general touch too close to his scars, I don't know. Carefully he puts me down on my bed, but I don't want to let go of him.

"No," I murmur into his skin, "Stay with me."

"Moyashi, you need medicine and sleep. Let me go. I have to prepare a tea for you. We have to get you cooled down as fast as bloody possible so it will not harm your child," he grumbles in my ear, sending shivers down my back.

"No, no…" I try to argue, but my grip is far too weak and I have to let go.

I see him look at me with concern, bordering on fright, in his eyes. Funny how in this fevery state I can suddenly read his emotions clearly again. As I can't even sit up, I simply curl up in the sheets and wait for his return.

It takes about ten minutes until the door creaks open again. I am still facing towards the door, so I see when Kanda enters, a tray with two steaming mugs and a bowl with what I assume is food in his hands. He sits down on the bed next to me.

"Moyashi? Can you drink?"

I murmur an affirmative, but he has to help me sit up and drink. The tea tastes better than the normal one, but is still bitter. As soon as I am finished I let myself fall against his body, trying to get more cool from him. I feel one of his hands brush some hair out of eyes and lay on my forehead. I feel him stiffen next to me, but am too tired to do something.

"I know you hate hospitals, moyashi, but you really look like shit. And it's not only your life we have to worry about. So – " he starts but I cut him off, sounding like a drunk.

"No! You promised to not take me to a hospital! You have to keep your promises! Please not!"

I see him sigh and fear that he will simply drag me there, but instead he just pulls my body close to his. I sigh in contentment. He doesn't say anything after that and I drift into unconscious again fast.

When I awake next it is late afternoon and a terrible nausea is filling me. I barely manage to lean over the edge of the bed before my stomach twists and I empty all the contents onto the floor. My body is shaking and tears are springing to my eyes. This is worse than any morning sickness. What is happening to me? I can't even call for Kanda, because my body keeps on dry heaving. What I luckily don't notice are the red streaks in the vomit, my sight is too blurred to see them.

Luckily though Kanda has heard my vomiting and comes running into room soon afterwards. His nose crinkles at the smell, then his eyes widen and he rushes to me. He grabs my shoulder and more or less straightens me up.

"Moyashi! Can you hear me? What is happening? Allen?!" he shouts.

My watery eyes find his hard cobalt, "D-Don't know. I-I – "

"We have to call a fucking doctor, moyashi. No stupid protest this time! This is fucking serious!" he growls and the increased use of curse words shows me that he is starting to panic as well.

I want to protest but when I open my mouth, a searing pain shoots through my abdomen and I scream out loudly. One of my hands shoots there, the other tightening around Kanda's.

"What is it? Moyashi, the fuck?" he yells.

"I-It h-hurts," I whisper, clutching my abdomen, tears running down my cheeks.

"Hurts? Your stomach? Fuck, is it the baby? Moyashi, talk to me!"

The baby! No! Am I losing it? Even if it was forced on me, I don't want that! Please no! I can barely hear Kanda shouting while panic and hellish pain seize me.

"P-Please l-let n-nothing h-happen t-to i-it," I whisper clutching onto Kanda, "Pl-Please! M-My ba-b-baby!"

"This is fucking enough! I'm calling a fucking ambulance!" I hear Kanda roar.

Even so I still want to say no and stop him from taking his phone, but the last I see is him hurriedly punching numbers into the device and yelling into the receiver. Then with a last 'Please' on my lips, my world goes completely black. And all I have left is hope that my child will be fine.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Sorry, no kissing just yet ;P**

 **And another cliffhanger...**

 **Next chapter in three weeks.**

 **Hope to see you then and please review ^^**


	14. Hospitals can bring good things too

**Hello everyone,**

 **back from my two and a half weeks holiday in Ireland.**

 **Does anyone of you live in Ireland? I just wanted to say:**

 **I love your country! ;)** **The landscape, the calm (outisde of the cities) and all the horses.**

 **Anyway, back to the main subject. Here's the next chapter of 'My demons from the past and yours'. Finally solving the last cliffhanger.**

 **Thanks for the reviews as usual.**

 **Warnings for unqualified medical explanation (just something I made up to explain Allen's symptoms) and some OOC for Kanda (but that's gonna string through basically the whole story, sorry)**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, the travel to Ireland didn't get me ownership of DGM either.**

* * *

When I come to consciousness again the next time, my body feels incredibly heavy, but at least I am not so hot and fuzzy anymore. The pain and nausea are gone as well. Very carefully I force my eyelids open. And can't help but groan at the amount of brightness. There is all white. Wait, white? Kanda doesn't have one speck of white in his flat. This looks suspiciously like a hospital…

Suddenly my attention is diverted to a voice, coming from my left.

"Moyashi? You finally awake?" I hear Kanda's deep voice.

Slowly I turn my head in his direction. He is sitting on a chair next to my bed, looking slightly tired and frowning deeply. His hair seems to be a bit unruly, some strands escaping his usual ponytail. He is staring at me with unreadable eyes.

"Hm," I make an affirmative noise, "Kanda, why am I in a hospital? You promised you would – "

But before I can finish this sentence he shoots me an incredible look accompanied by a snort.

"You don't fucking remember what happened?"

I nearly want to scold him for cursing but his hard tone makes me think. But I don't know what he means. The last thing I remember is falling asleep on the day he trained with his sword for the second time. But when I take a look at the clock on my bedside table, with shock I notice that it is four days later. Four days! What the hell happened?! My eyes widen and I turn to Kanda.

"No, what did I miss?" I ask him urgently.

He only continues to stare at me incredibly but then shakes his head.

"Che," he scoffs but then answers, "The morning after our second time at the park, you woke up bloody feverish. I thought it was just a cold and put you back to bed and you resisted to go to a hospital. But in the afternoon you got far worse. You threw up with fucking blood in it and you said your stomach hurt. I was fucking afraid it was the baby and called an ambulance, no matter your resistance. And it was fucking good I did!"

I stare at him and suddenly all the memories come crashing down on me. The fever. Not even being able to stand. Kanda taking care of me, trying to convince me to go to a hospital. Then the vomiting. The pain. The fear that something is happening to the baby. Immediately my hand shoots to my abdomen.

And I am very relieved to feel the small bump still there. I can't help but sigh in relief. Then I turn back to Kanda.

"Even if you broke your promise, I guess I have to thank you. I was afraid I would have miscarried," I try to smile but his sombre expression stops me.

"You nearly did. You nearly fucking lost the child," he growls and I can just keep myself from inching away from his dark aura.

Nonetheless it also tears as a shock into me that I nearly lost my child. My hand is caressing the bump, not leaving in fear that it would disappear if I do. With a slightly shaking voice I ask Kanda.

"What happened to me that day?"

"I don't exactly know," he takes a deep breath, "The doctor wouldn't fucking tell me everything. I can only say how I understood it. Apparently during your stupid life on the street you came into contact with some toxic substance, got it inside you. Normally the body would just ignore it but with your pregnancy it is more bloody sensitive to possible to threats for the child. Nonetheless because the risk of extracting the substance would be too fucking high usually the body would still do nothing. But the doctor said that you must have been experiencing quite some stress in your last weeks. That triggered the body to get rid of the poison. And that's what fucking happened, in the worst way possible."

I am shocked to silence. To my defence I have never consumed drugs or alcohol, but I really don't want to know what I sometimes had to swallow during the stay with Cross or my later searching for food or from some shabby guys. So it kinda makes sense.

"But the strain was too high and the baby was nearly lost, together with the substance," I breathe frightened.

He nods silently. His hands are clenched in his lap and he looks tired and worried, an expression I would have never expected to see on him. I still have a hand laying on my bump and feel very reassured by the strong kick I get against my ribs. Suddenly Kanda speaks up again, in a small voice.

"I-I guess, I'm sorry…" he breathes in deeply, "for making you stress so much. You fucking nearly lost your child after all."

First I am seriously surprised then I smile softly, "It's fine. It's not your fault. I know you had your demons, still have actually, and you needed help dealing with them. At the moment it was more important than me not stressing."

"No, moyashi. I should have fucking looked after you and your child. Not being bloody selfish and weak to give in to my stupid weaknesses and cowardly make you deal with it."

I only sigh, still smiling though. Sometimes he jumps faster from one mood to the exact opposite than I have ever seen anyone do. By now I have developed the theory that he is not able to deal with his own emotions due to some childhood trauma which happened before we even met him. This causes him to become very unstable as an adult and the shit from the last three years only made it worse. So I only carefully reach out for his hands, uncurl one of them and pull it towards me. I lay it on my abdomen, so he can feel the baby kick. His face eases slightly at that.

"Like I said it was not your fault. You had it hard and what you did was not selfish or weak at all. You even took care of me when you were injured. The only thing I did was help you on the right path. And I don't blame you for this. Not at all, believe me. Even if I… would have lost the child, I wouldn't. So don't make the same mistake again, like what happened after Alma's death, and put the blame on you because it is not."

He looks at me, staring at my eyes. Our gazes are fixed on each other. One of his hands is still laying on my abdomen, my mismatched hands curled around his. Then he opens his mouth to say something but before he can the door opens and I hear a soft chuckle.

"Are you sure, you are not the father of the child, Mr. Kanda? Or at least the boy's lover?"

Kanda scowls and I blush. I release his hand and he pulls it back, turning to glare at the man who entered. A man around thirty with unruly light brown hair and a small beard is standing in the door, smiling softly. He is wearing a doctor's coat and looks slightly tired, but nice nonetheless.

"Yes, I am fucking sure," Kanda growls.

"What did I say about swearing in front of my patients?" the older scolds him while he comes closer to me.

I can't help but inch towards Kanda, "Who is this, Kanda? I said I don't like doctors."

"I know, moyashi. But someone needed to treat you. This is Dr. River. He is a, uh… friend of Komui. I have known him for some years now. You can trust him, I promise. And he will tell no one," he says softly, rubbing my arm to calm me.

"Yes, I never said anything about your countless injuries or broken bones from fighting either," River says, frowning at Kanda.

The raven only scowls and crosses his arms, but at least it causes me to smile. Then the doctor turns to me and I can't help but stiffen.

"Can you please let me check up on you? I need to make sure you are both okay. You were unconscious for three days and especially for the baby it was a very close call. I need to see if everything is in order."

My eyes are darting between Kanda, the doctor and my abdomen. Unconsciously I reach out for the raven next to me, but I feel it when he takes my hand. I turn to him and he nods encouragingly. So I take a deep breath and say my affirmation. River smiles thankfully.

"Thank you. I promise to be careful. Now if you could please lay down and pull up your shirt."

I can't help but blush heavily and seeing that the doctor continues, "I can also send Kanda out if you want."

"No!" I hurriedly intervene, "No, please, I want him here."

Desperately I look away from the raven after this sentence. Meanwhile River starts his inspection and I have to keep myself from flinching all the time, but Kanda stays with me through all and that calms me. Finishing he nods.

"It seems everything is fine until here. Your body has extracted every dangerous substance you had consumed without greater damage to your inner organs."

Then he rolls a strange machine to my bed and of course I tense again, "What is this?"

He though only smiles softly, "This is an ultrasound machine. I need it to check up on the baby. You will be able to see it on the screen."

At that I can't help but pipe up, "I can see my baby? Really?"

He chuckles, but throws me and Kanda a weird look, "Haven't you had an ultrasound yet? Kanda told me you are about five months along in your pregnancy."

"I am but I never have done that."

Again he throws us a curious look and wants to ask something but a shake of Kanda's head stops him and he instead pours some gel on his hand, advancing towards me. When he attempts to put it on my abdomen though I move away.

"Mr. Walker, I need to put this on your stomach so we can see the baby. This substance is harmless, I promise."

I still eye it warily until I feel Kanda squeeze my hand, "It's okay, moyashi. I have seen him do that before. Nothing bad is going to happen. Calm down."

I look into his strong dark orbs and nod.

"This is going to be a little cold," River warns me, but I nonetheless flinch.

Then he puts a strangely formed wand on the gel and rolls it across my abdomen. I feel Kanda nudge me and he points towards the small screen of the device. I don't even notice how I squeeze his hand harder with each passing second.

Then the movements finally stop. To my relief I see River smile. Then he points on the screen.

"Here it is. Do you see it? This is your child."

I fix my eyes on the baby-formed blob on the screen. And I can't help but feel my chest tighten and my eyes well up. It is really there and it is fine. No matter how bad the circumstances of his conception were, I can't help but love this little creature already. And in this moment I realise how hard it will be to give it up for adoption once it is birthed.

"K-Kanda? Can you see this?"

I don't even notice him rolling his eyes, "Sure, moyashi. It's normal, baka." Neither do I hear that his voice lacks the usual edge.

"It seems everything is fine, Mr. Walker. There was no damage done. It is a bit small perhaps. Have you been eating enough?" the doctor says softly.

I breathe out but at the same time lower my gaze, knowing that in the first three months, when I still lived on the streets, I couldn't get as much food as I should have. I feel my hand be squeezed back. Unconsciously my gaze wanders to Kanda, but he is looking the other direction. River is smiling softly.

"When can I leave?" I can't stop myself from asking.

I see the doctor frown but answer nonetheless, "Normally I would make you stay about three more days to see if there are any lasting consequences," I tense, but he continues, "However, Kanda here told me that you are afraid of hospitals. And I trust his knowledge of basic healing, so you can go this afternoon. If you promise that if anything unusual happens again, you will immediately come here. Is that clear?"

I nod hastily, "Yes, understand." Kanda only grunts.

The light haired man shakes his head and speaks directly to the younger, "You take good care of him, Kanda. No excuses. And don't let your own problems get in the way of it. Mr. Walker needs your support. It will only become clearer the more time passes. I know it is not your child, but by taking him in, he is now your responsibility. I will give you information about what is to come."

"Yes, yes," he grumbles, "I already did, baka. You should have seen him how he fucking looked when I found him, he's way better now."

"What did I say about swearing?" the other sighs, "But thanks then I guess. Go on like that."

Then he turns to both of us, "Any other questions?"

When I shake my head and Kanda snorts he nods, "Good, I will go then. I will come back this afternoon to see if you can leave the hospital. Take good care of each other."

And with that he goes to the door and steps through it, leaving me alone with Kanda. I sigh and lay back on my bed, but don't let go of the raven's hand. When I chance a peek at him, his eyes are closed and he seems to be contemplating about something. Even I can see that his features are troubled.

"Kanda, I am fine," I say and rub the back of his hand.

"I know, baka moyashi. But you nearly fucking lost your child," he answers grumpily.

I smile softly when something comes to my mind. I carefully voice it.

"The baby means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

He turns away, "No, why the hell should it?"

"It does," I smile at him and squeeze his hand, "You are so caring and considerate when it comes to my pregnancy. It must mean something to you. Why?"

He doesn't answer, just avoids my gaze, so I continue to bore, "Kanda, be honest with me. Don't deny it and tell me the truth. I completely understand whatever reason. Just speak to me. Have I not regained your trust after all we've been through in the past months?"

It takes some minutes of silence but then he answers, without swearing and in a small voice, "I am not sure. I guess, it is because I don't know what it means to be a child, so small at that."

I furrow my brow. What does he mean with that? Sure he was adopted and no one close to our group was ever pregnant, but sure he has experienced it at some point. Given I only met him when he was already nine.

"What do you mean, Kanda? You were a child as well once."

He shakes his head sadly, "I have no memory of the time before my eighth birthday, when I was put in the orphanage."

"No memory at all?" I ask incredulously.

"None that I can consciously remember. Sometimes I dream. But all I remember is pain, darkness and loneliness. Nothing concrete."

"These are nightmares, rather than memories," I whisper, one arm around his shoulder.

"They are, but it is all I have. I know nothing of this, so I unconsciously try my best to let you be safe. Plus you are… a friend of mine," he mumbles, avoiding my gaze.

I am happy that he at least sees me as a friend, however there is a slight hesitation before he said the word. I don't know why though.

"You don't want any child to feel the same you do," I breathe, understanding his actions.

"No," he shakes his head, "It's terrible. Even I am not that cruel."

"You are not cruel…" I murmur but I know he didn't hear it. Instead I reach out for him, "Kanda, come here, please."

He looks at me confused, but I only move aside on my hospital bed, motioning him to sit next to me. He seems unsure for a moment, but after a stern look he does as I want. Slowly he stands up and lets himself fall down on the white cover. I smile and pull him closer. I lean myself against his chest, relishing in his warmth. Slowly, very slowly the shock and pain of the nearly miscarriage wear off of me. He originally tenses when I touch him, but gets calmer.

"What are you doing, moyashi?" he grumbles.

"Just let me do it for once, Kanda," I sigh not wanting to let his comfort go, "Remember? I nearly lost my child. I need human comfort, so if you want to help me just sit still for now."

He sighs but stops arguing. And I simply enjoy his warmth on my back. I start to doze off, but smile when I feel Kanda's arms go around me, stabilising me. Finally I fall asleep.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So, everything was saved, luckily. I am not a fan of bad endings anyway ;)**

 **Please review and see you next chapter.**


	15. Annoyances and annoying neccessities

**Hello everyone,**

 **since I'm back, I return to my usual two updates per week.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **To jy24: They don't know the gender yet. If I wrote a pronoun that clarifies it, it's just a mistake I made. I didn't know it either yet at the time I wrote that chapter.**

 **To Ryuakilover: Thank you and I would have loved to stay there longer, but we had to be back in time for school.**

 **And something else. I recently started watching DGM Hallow. What exactly did happen to the drawings? It may be just my impression, but that isn't the same style as the earlier seasons, is it? I don't really like it if I'm honest. No offence, but Allen's eyes are silver, not violet and the second version of his arm is black, not red if I'm right. But maybe I am just being picky... I still prefer the earlier episodes.**

 **Disclaimer: A bit repetetive every chapter, isn't it?**

* * *

In the afternoon I am woken up by someone softly shaking me, "Mr. Walker? It is time. You can leave the hospital now, if you wish."

I groggily open my eyes, scanning the room, "Where is Kanda?"

"Getting the car as far as I know," River answers, "Do you want me to fill in the papers?"

"Yes, that would be great."

"I will," he chuckles, the motions to a chair next to the bed, "Here are your clothes. Kanda will get you, I guess."

I can only nod. After he left I get out of bed. My stomach still aches slightly, but at least the burning pain is gone. I sigh in relief when I feel a strong kick. Then I pull on my clothes and sit back on the bed. I am still tired. It takes only some minutes for the door to be thrown open. Despite the rough treatment I smile when it reveals Kanda, a hint of tiredness visible in his features as well.

"Come on, moyashi. We're leaving. I don't like hospitals much more than you do."

I grin and walk over to the door, still careful. I smile at him when I reach him, but he only scoffs. I ignore it and grab his hand cheekily. He opens his mouth but before he can say anything I argue.

"I am still weak, BaKanda. I need some support," I have no problem lying to him like that, after all I only want to hold his hand.

Finally he accepts it, if you look past his mumblings about 'baka moyashis' and 'being clingy'. On the way out, River hands us the documents for my release and I happily follow Kanda out to the parking lot. He helps me into his car and sets on driving home. I fall asleep on the way back. So I don't notice how Kanda carries me into the flat and puts me to bed.

* * *

I am getting better fast after we returned and only two days later I am back to my full strength. And it is good that I am because that means Kanda can go into the park to train again. He was already getting agitated and I wouldn't want him have a relapse. So we go there every second day, with him training and me sitting under a tree, watching him or reading with a blanket around me.

Nonetheless something still seems to be bothering him. He is slightly troubled. Some days not even sword-fighting seems to be enough to get him calm and I am running out of possibilities. But at the moment we or more I have more pressuring matters. I am getting closer to my sixth month and by now even Kanda's clothes are getting tight for me, only around my stomach, obviously.

So after I nearly failed to close one of Kanda's trousers while having to roll them up at the end quite a bit he decided that it's time to go shopping and dragged me out of the apartment. I am actually excited to leave because I was never really out like this with him, only to the park, but not to the mall. Sure I was there with Linali but it's just not the same. But it's also quite embarrassing, knowing that I don't fit into any normal clothes anymore.

Kanda doesn't seem all that happy either but I guess that comes from having to go shopping maternity clothing (how I hate that word) with me and most likely being assumed as the father of the child. Which he isn't, unfortunately. Wait, where did that come from? Would I really want to have his children? And to my embarrassment, the answer I find in myself is yes, I would. The hell? I blush which earns me a strange look from him, but luckily he is focused on driving.

When we arrive at a big mall he parks the car and helps me out of it. Moving is getting more difficult each day. Not that I am that big yet, I just like complaining while being emotional. I am just glad Kanda didn't snap at me yet. I stretch, the bump in my abdomen becoming clearly visible, and enjoy the sun shining on my face.

"Come on, moyashi. We don't have all day," Kanda grumbles and motions me to hurry.

I grin and bounce (more or less) after him, happy to be spending the day with him. It is Friday and he even took leave from work today, so I am just glad to have him at my side. To be honest I would be quite afraid to do this alone. Only now do I notice just how difficult it would have been if Kanda had never taken me in. I wouldn't have any support now and most likely wouldn't even have money for the needed clothes. He gets it from a fund from Tiedoll and some money he said he inherited from his real parents (whoever they were).

But nonetheless I can't keep my feet from slowing down more and more the closer we get to the maternity store. Alone the thought of entering this store and most likely being surrounded by pregnant women is frightening. Carrying males like myself are still the minority and society sometimes views it as unnatural, in rare cases even disgusting. To my relief Kanda shows the same reluctance. Nonetheless we both know we have to do it, so when he stops in front of the entrance, turns to me with a frown and taps his foot impatiently, I hurry to catch up.

"You okay, moyashi?" he asks gruffly, "You seem a bit pale."

"I'm fine. Just a bit nervous about having to go in there."

He scoffs but then simply steps into the store. I take a deep breath and follow him. Immediately the eyes of the woman at the cash register are fixed on us. She is seizing us up and down. I am pretty sure that she sees that I am a mamorunin and that causes me to instinctively inch closer to Kanda, in search of safety. He throws me an irritated look but doesn't say anything. Instead the lady speaks up.

"Go straight through and then to the right side," she says blankly and points to the back of the store.

I nod while Kanda stares at her slightly bewildered. So I set myself on dragging him there. With that line she confirmed my fears about me being immediately recognised because most of the maternity stores today are adapting and putting in (smaller) sections of male clothing and that is exactly where she pointed us.

I stand still as soon as we reach it. That is embarrassing! I am not sure if I even want to touch any of these clothes. They look way too feminine for my liking, thanks a lot. I see Kanda stare in disgust at them. That at least causes me to snicker.

"Come on. I am sure, there are better ones somewhere in these piles," I say to him, trying to sound as optimistic as possible.

He grumbles but then follows my lead and starts searching. At some point I hear him mumble angrily about it.

"That's shit. Why the fuck do I have to this? There is a fucking reason why I order my own clothing online."

I chuckle, "Your clothing consists of white dress shirts, black trousers, some jeans and your beloved dark, sleeveless training shirts. It's not that difficult to buy."

"You're one to talk, baka moyashi," he grumbles back accompanied with some shirt flying in my direction, "Back then you wore basically the same every fucking day."

I pout, "That was my favourite outfit! And after Mana saw how much I liked it he bought it another time."

"More like ten," he mumbles and I throw a pair of trousers at him which he catches without even properly looking. That only causes me to pout harder. (And the chuckle from another man nearby.)

Some time later we made it through the clothing and meet in front of the changing cabins. It was not really easy to find something that would fit my size (not only my stomach) because these clothes are generally designed to fit grown men apart from the stomach. Completely grown up! I am relatively short to begin with, as much as I hate it, I can't deny it. Adding to the fact that I am only 17, it ends in the fact that most of the clothing here is way too long for me. When Kanda joked if we should try the woman's clothing I nearly snapped and he had to console me with the promise of an ice-cream later on so I would not start a crying fit then and there.

Wordlessly he hands me the articles he has taken and I walk into one of the cubicles. I try on most of the clothes with varying success. He seems uncaring of what I am actually wearing, causing me to pout. In the end we decide on two pants, three shirts, two sweaters and a jacket. Kanda does his best to keep his embarrassment and anger from showing while he pays the objects. I don't really care because I am too much looking forward to my ice-cream.

Later we buy a new coat for me in a normal shop (normally too big for me, but with my developing baby bump, I need it) because my old one is literally falling apart. After that we go eat lunch and Kanda is starting to eye his emptying purse warily. We try another maternity clothing store in the afternoon but it is even worse there and all we take is another shirt and some sweat pants. Just when we come out of this store it happens. We hear a loud voice from behind us.

"Hey, Kanda. Is that you? Nice to see you here," a young man, I would say some years older than Kanda, is waving at us and coming closer.

"Fuck," I hear the raven curse next to me.

I look at him curiously, "Who is this?"

"Lavi number two," he answers grumpily.

But before I can ask more, the male has reached us. He smiles at Kanda, luckily ignoring me for the moment. That gives me time to study him. He has short brown hair which is slightly wavy at the ends and a stubbly beard. His eyes are a dark brown as well and sparkling with mirth. He is clad simply in a green shirt and jeans. The way he speaks with Kanda, they are familiar and I can't help but wonder from where they know each other, a slight pang of jealousy cursing through me. Damned hormones! So I clear my throat audibly.

"Who is this, Kanda? Would you mind introducing us," I say in a slightly strained voice.

He stares at me strangely for a moment then answers unwillingly, "This is Dean Turner, a colleague from work."

"Nice to meet you," Dean says and holds his hand out to me.

"You too," I answer and shaking his hand, fake smile right in place.

I see Kanda frown at me from the corner of my vision, but hey, everything strange I do I can later blame on the pregnancy. So I can freely play the jealous boyfriend right now.

"And you are?" Dean asks.

"Allen Walker," I say politely.

"An old friend," Kanda cuts in.

"Ah," the brunette laughs and turns back to the other, "I am glad that you actually have friends like this, Kanda. I was always afraid you were alone."

"Che," the younger scoffs and I narrow my eyes.

But before I can bore into the subject Dean seems to spot the bags Kanda and I are carrying, "So why are you here? I never saw you at the mall before. Wait… 'maternity clothing'?"

His gaze raises and he fixes Kanda with a strange look, "You are shopping for a girlfriend? And you, anti-social Kanda Yuu, are going to become a father?"

I can basically feel Kanda flare up with embarrassment and anger, "No! I don't have some stupid girlfriend! Baka!"

I also puff my chest up at that and step next to him. Unfortunately I forgot about the fact that I am wearing only a long-sleeved shirt right now and the bump is pretty good visible when I stand like that. So it takes only one moment for Dean to see it. That ends in him gaping at me, which causes me to immediately change my stance to nearly doubling over to hide my stomach. Then he starts to look in between Kanda and me which causes the latter to seethe even more. In the end the brunette grins broadly.

"Wow, so you are the one pregnant. You're one of those carrier-males. Mamo-something, right? I never met one. You guys are real wonders of nature you know that? This is so exciting. How does this feel like I wonder. And you, Kanda. Congratulations. You could have just told me that you favour men, I don't care. And now you're getting a child. I am so happy for you. Does anyone else know? But why didn't you tell me that he was your boyfriend. He's quite the cutie you know?" Dean is babbling and by now I understand why Kanda calls him 'Lavi number two'.

Unconsciously I inch behind Kanda, a habit that becomes more and more the further I get in my pregnancy. The raven himself first gapes at the older, then he starts to seethe again. Until he explodes.

"It's fucking not my child, you idiot! And Allen is really only a fucking friend! Not more, for god's sake!" he yells, causing some heads to turn towards us and me to burry my face in his back.

Dean stands there a bit shocked. Then he shakes himself out of it and smiles.

"Sorry then, I guess. I was jumping to conclusions. But you have to admit that it would point that way if you're the one shopping maternity clothes with him, don't you think?"

I only sigh and Kanda growls, "That's just because he fucking has no one else."

I refrain from hitting him even though I want it. Can anyone be more blunt? Nonetheless the brunette's face softens at that. He looks almost pitying. Oh, how I hate it to get pity. That was also always I reason I liked Kanda that much. He would never pity anyone. I don't know why and other people would see it as cruel, but I like it.

"Then I have to apologise," Dean says coming closer to me, "What I said was inappropriate. I didn't mean to offend any of you."

"It is no problem," I answer getting slightly uncomfortable.

"If you don't mind me asking. How did it come to this?" he continues and also still gets closer with every step.

"Nothing I would like to recount," I say back, inching around Kanda to keep away from the brunette.

It is kinda ridiculous how we are circling Kanda with Dean trying to get closer and me evading it. And I am sure the raven won't stand that for much longer. I can see the vein on his temple while Dean keeps on asking questions. Finally he has enough and grabs my wrist to pull me towards the exit of the mall.

"We are going beansprout! I have had fucking enough for one day!" he growls, leaving his colleague standing there stunned.

The drive back is relatively silent because I am too tired after this day and doze half of the ride. Kanda on the other hand is still fuming over our encounter with his colleague.

In the end he (indirectly) excuses the strange behaviour of Dean. He said that the brunette is just an idiot even though he had a big heart (that wasn't expressed directly either). But all in all this trip was good because we could get out of the flat for other things than work, the park or groceries. And I have clothing that is not tight anymore. Great…

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So, that was the obligatory filler chapter about buying clothes ;) I needed something lighter after the near miscarrige and what is coming up afterwards anyway.**

 **Please review and see you all next time.**


	16. Departure for good or bad?

**Hello everyone,**

 **after our sweet filler chapter from last time, let's continue with the main story.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: We all wish we would own it, don't we?**

* * *

It doesn't change the fact though that Kanda gets tenser basically each day. It makes me uneasy as well, because I am afraid that he might fall back into his old self-hurting pattern. As far as I can see not though, luckily.

It takes me a lot of time to figure out what is wrong with him. Then I remember something he mentioned in conversation with the Lee siblings. Something that would happen in three months. And this three months are coming to an end. So whatever they were talking about is going to happen soon. And whatever that is it has a grave impact on Kanda.

Just how grave this impact is going to be I find out one evening about ten days before I would enter my last two months of pregnancy, when I find him in his room packing up some clothes.

"Kanda, what are you doing here?" I ask over a piece of cake in my mouth.

"Packing obviously, baka moyashi."

"My name is Allen," I grumble, "But why?"

"I am going to travel. I'm going to be away for about two weeks. Will you manage?"

"Uh, sure, but why are you leaving? Where to and when?"

"In three days to Japan," he answers shortly and a bit strained.

"Why? You haven't answered that, Kanda."

Again he keeps silent and I get the uneasy notion that it has something to do with one of his past traumas again. I walk over to him, one hand on my by now pretty swollen abdomen, and lay the other hand on his shoulder, concerned for him.

"Kanda talk to me. It's not for work. It's something that's bothering you and I am getting worried. So tell me, you can trust me, you know that."

He sighs and runs a hand over his face, "I'm… It's this time of the year. Some months after you disappeared. It's…"

"Calm down. Start again. What is the reason you are going to Japan?" I rub his shoulder.

He takes a deep breath and my chest tightens at his answer.

"It's for Alma's memorial. He died exactly two years ago in eight days."

I can't help but draw him into my arms, maybe also to reassure myself that he is still here with me.

"I am sorry. You are meeting up with the others in Japan to mourn, right?"

He only nods and not even tries to get me off him. I sigh but then I come to a decision. I want to pay my regards to my old friend as well. I know the best for me would be to stay home, warm and safe, but this is something I need to do. So I pull away from the raven and look straight in his eyes.

"I am coming with you."

For a small moment his eyes widen then he frowns, "You are not going to Japan with me. You are nearly seven months pregnant. You can't leave here and fly over half of the world."

"I can and I will, BaKanda. I am pregnant not invalid. I have read up on that a bit. As long as I am more than two weeks away from my due date and won't put myself through too much stress, it will be fine. Kanda, trust me, I need this. To see Alma's grave, to meet Lavi and Komui and to see all of them."

I look at him directly when he wants to start arguing again. "No, Kanda. Please, it is important for me. I promise to alert you if I feel anything unusual."

He is silent but I can see in his face that he is still doubting so I take his hand and carefully lay it on my bump (more like belly by now, gah, I hate it). He looks down when he feels a kick against his hand. Then he sighs and lowers his head.

"Fine, moyashi. But I can immediately drag you to a doctor if I see it needed," he finally grumpily admits.

"Yes, thank you," I say laying my forehead against his for a second.

He curses under his breath then pushes me away, "Then I have to go and get you a ticket for the plane. But no complaints, is that understand?"

"Yes," I grin and focus back on my cake while he leaves the room with a snort.

Two days later, I am packing my own suitcase, Kanda bought it for me, mostly with these stupid maternity clothes. Because now, nothing else fucking fits around my stomach anymore. I hate it! I am really getting fat. And getting down the stairs from the flat without Kanda's help is difficult. That is so annoying! But I won't complain. The movement from the baby is starting to get lesser, making me able to actually sleep through the night. On the other hand, my cravings are getting worse and I have seen Kanda put his own food away when he has to watch me eating my combinations. Also I have to go to the toilet permanently, not to throw up like in the first months, but simply to relieve myself.

Kanda does his best in handling me calmly, but he has started to disappear again sometimes, but I am not really worried because it is during the day and he is taking Mugen with him. He is going sword-training in the park. By now he has changed from the wooden practice sword to his beloved katana. I trust that he would not hurt himself even though the prospect of Alma's memorial is weighing down heavily on him. For some reason I have the impression that me accompanying him to Japan actually calms him down, even if just a little. Maybe because it is easier for him to keep an eye on me that way, but I prefer to keep the hope that it is actually my presence because he likes to have me around.

On that evening Kanda shoos me to bed early. We have to get up early too the next day, our airplane leaves at half past ten in the morning and with checking in and so on, it will take a while. I snuggle into the covers and to chase away the dark thoughts of why we are travelling, I imagine that I am together with Kanda, that this child is not from a rape but from love and we are only going on a holiday to have some fun and meet our friends. This night I fall asleep smiling.

The next morning Kanda wakes me up carefully. I yawn and look at him with half-opened eyes. He looks slightly tired as well. He doesn't say much only tells me to get ready and that there is breakfast in the kitchen. Silently I do as he says. The food is simple and the tea tastes as awful as ever, but I don't care today. While I am eating I hear him coming up and taking both our luggage, grumbling something. After I am finished I clean up and walk out into the hallway, one hand on my round abdomen. He steps back in and our eyes lock.

"Ready, moyashi? Are you fucking sure you want to do that?" he asks again.

"Yes," I smile, "I want to do it and I'm fine. We can go."

He sighs, curses under his breath and then nods. I smile softly and step towards him. After putting on a coat and my shoes, I instinctively reach out my free hand for him. He looks at it for a moment, then grabs it, squeezing. I guess it is as much a reassurance for him as it is for me, even though he would never admit that.

He guides me down the stairs as usual and helps me into his car. The drive is silent as well, my hand rubbing my abdomen. Feeling my child kick calms me down as well.

Finally we arrive at the airport. Kanda stops the car in a parking lot where he can leave it for the time we are in Japan. For a moment he sits still, his hands clenched around the steering wheel. I softly lay a hand on his. He looks up at me and I smile.

"Don't worry, Kanda. I know it's hard, but I'm with you and we will manage."

He nods slowly while he gets out of the vehicle. I sigh. If he's already this bad while we are still in England it will surely be difficult for him after the flight. How did he manage the last year? Then I remember with dread that at that time he was cutting to deal with his pain from what he told me. That means I and the others too will have to look out that he doesn't have a relapse. But I am torn out of my dark thoughts when the door next to me opens to reveal an irritated Kanda.

"What the heck are you waiting for, moyashi? I already got the bloody luggage out. Did you decide to fucking stay? Or is something wrong?" he growls.

"No, I'm fine. I was just thinking," I answer and reach a hand out to him, as support to get out of the car.

I follow him in the building while he carries our suitcases. While he checks our stuff in, I notice all the stares I get. By now my stomach is obvious and because I am generally thin, it is clear that I am pregnant. Carrying males are still pretty rare so society doesn't know all that much about them. Because of that when the people see one they try to find out as much as possible about them. That ends in them treating me like some rare animal they see for the first time like they do right now. Staring at me like I am an exhibit in a zoo or something. As if my white hair and strange scar weren't enough already. I really understand why mamorunin if pregnant tend to stay at home. This is really unnerving and unsettling. Instinctively I inch closer to Kanda who has his back to me, talking to the woman at the counter. I guess they are all assuming that he is my boyfriend again which I surely don't mind.

When he's finished he turns around and nearly jumps when he notices how close I have come to him. He sends me a strange look but when I only try to hide behind him he sees the way the other people are looking at us. He immediately glares at them and everybody turns away. I breathe in relief. He only scoffs, grabs my wrist and strides towards the controls.

He looks beyond agitated that he couldn't take Mugen with him into the airport but I was able to convince that they only would have confiscated it. He is able to go through the metal detector without problems, but of course it beeps when I go through. I groan and stop. The officer comes and runs her device over my body. I can't help but flinch when it comes too close to my bump. The (female) guard only smiles sympathetically at me and retreats after finding the coins in my pocket. Kanda who watched the whole thing with a grumpy face visibly relaxes when I step next to him and rub his shoulder. Pass control goes by without problems, my passport was one of the few things I managed to keep during my whole stay on the streets.

Kanda leads me to a set of chairs in the waiting area and I groan when I am able to sit down. First, I have been standing for too long just now for my liking these days. Second, these plastic chairs are bloody uncomfortable. After I have found a half-way comfortable position I turn to my companion. He has closed his eyes and his arms are crossed. From my guess he is mediating. No idea how he manages that with all the noise around us. I only sigh and pull a book out of my backpack.

About half an hour later when I am already occasionally rubbing my lower back from the uncomfortable chairs (and the added weight), Kanda opens his eyes again.

"I need a fucking coffee. You want something, moyashi?"

"Hm, a hot chocolate please. And a ham sandwich with chocolate pudding," I smile at him, rubbing my belly.

He looks at me with something akin to disgust at my food choice, "I can bring you the pudding and sandwich separated. I guess…"

He shakes his head and then turns away walking in the direction of a small bistro. About ten minutes later he reappears with two cups, a sandwich and a plastic bowl of pudding. He sits next to me and hands me my food, the hot chocolate is placed on the small table between our seats. From the smell of his cup I notice he is drinking strong black coffee, something he never takes at home. I have seen him only drink it once, which was right after the night he came home injured. Another sign that shows his agitation.

Nonetheless his face scrunches up in disgust when I put the pudding into the sandwich and he buries his nose in his cup. When I am finished with eating and drinking I yawn. He notices it and his hand runs through my hair.

"Sleep, moyashi. You need your rest. And we have still over one hour until boarding. I will wake you," he sounds as tired as I feel.

But I take his offer and because of the lack of a proper headrest, use his shoulder as a pillow. He stiffens and scoffs, but doesn't push me away. And so I drift asleep, blocking out all annoying stares from strangers and falling into blissful darkness.

About ten minutes before boarding time I am woken up by someone shaking me. Slowly my eyes open and focus on Kanda. He scowls and turns away again when I straighten up. Soon the announcement sounds over the intercom.

"The passengers of flight JN037985 to Osaka, Japan. Please come to gate 25D, your plane is ready for boarding."

Kanda looks up and only for a second I can see the nervousness in his cobalt orbs. Then it is immediately gone and he stands up. He holds a hand out to me and I gratefully take it, to get moving and escape the glances everyone is giving us. I groan when I heave myself from the chair. As uncomfortable as it was, sitting was still better. As soon as I am upright, Kanda lets go of me and picks both our bags up. When he starts towards the gate, I sigh, put a hand on my belly and follow him.

We are allowed on the plane not even five minutes later. Finding our seats is easy. To my glee they are next to each other and I can use him as a surrogate pillow again. With a contented sigh I let myself fall into the soft chair next to the window. Thank god for Kanda's thoughtfulness of booking a better class than economy after the decision was made that I would come with him. Sitting in one of those small seats in economy with no possibility to sit more comfortable, seven months pregnant would not have been great. Especially not for the 15 hours the flight to Japan takes.

I sigh and close my eyes while the rest of the plane is being filled. I notice that Kanda is tense next to me.

"You don't like flying, Kanda?" I ask carefully.

"That's not it," he snorts, "I just don't fucking like where we're flying."

Softly I lay a hand on his on the armrest between us, "I already said it. All is going to be fine. It is going to be hard for me too. I haven't been to Japan for three years. But we're not alone. And at least for me, the knowledge that you are at my side, is enough to make me feel safe and relaxed. Try to trust me the same way, okay?"

He grunts but doesn't argue and only lays back, closing his eyes once more. I smile softly and just watch him and his (mostly) relaxed face. I smile softly and can't stop myself from leaning forward until my breath is basically hitting his face. Suddenly his dark orbs fly open and stare straight into mine. But neither does he push me away nor does he move. Only an inch closer. Only…

"Please fasten your seatbelts. This plane is ready to start."

Another announcement sounds through the plane. It makes me shoot straight up and he jumps, nearly bumping his head against mine. Again our moment is destroyed. I blush and sit back in my chair, pulling the belt over my hips.

The plane rolls over the field and onto the runway. I stiffen as soon as it slowly starts to take off. Familiar nausea creeps up my throat and I swallow hard at the strange feeling. One hand cradles my bump, the other squeezes Kanda's hand. Noticing my expression, he hurriedly grabs one of the bags in the seat and holds it out to me. I throw him a thankful look when as soon as the plane stabilises I vomit into it. He sighs and rubs my back, just like during my morning sickness. I earn some disgusted looks from the other passengers, but those who can see my bump only nod understandingly. The others back off after Kanda death-glares at them.

Slightly exhausted I close my eyes after I washed my mouth. I barely notice how the stewardess allows us to move and Kanda disposes of the bag. Again I fall asleep for some hours. When I wake up, there is food on the small table in front of me.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Is going back to Japan going to be a good idea for Kanda? We will see in the next chapters.**

 **Please continue to review and see you then.**


	17. Back in our homeland

**Hello everyone,**

 **Yes, I know, I'm two days late. Sorry for that, but Wednesday was chaotic and I spent the whole day with a friend yesterday.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **To msgone: No, the Noahs are not looking for him because they think he's dead. And it's still going to take some time until that talk.**

 **Disclaimer: Yeah, sure...**

* * *

I sleep most of the flight, only occasionally waking for eating or going to the toilet (which annoys Kanda greatly because I have to get up quite often and he has to let me out every single time). Luckily I even doze through the landing because I am sure that I would have thrown up again. Kanda only wakes me when the plane has stopped at the gate.

"Moyashi, wake up. We're there," he is grumbling.

I groan and groggily lift a hand to rub my eyes, "There? Where? We did already arrive?"

"Yes, we are in Japan," he says surprisingly soft.

I look at him intensely for a moment, "What are you feeling? Are you okay? Please be honest with me."

"I don't know," he sighs, "On one hand I am strangely relieved to be back in my homeland. But I am also anxious about how this will continue. There are so many painful memories here. And it takes more than two years to heal."

"I understand you," I can't help but lean over and embrace him, "But you have me and the others. Everything will work out."

To my surprise he grabs me back, "I hope so, moyashi."

But after a short moment he detaches himself from me, "We have to go, beansprout. They won't wait for us."

He stands up and pulls our bags down. I only groan at the thought of having to leave the comfortable chair and stand for a long time again. But I accept his hand when he holds it out and let him drag me on my feet. He holds my hand for just one second longer than necessary. Then he lets go and turns towards the exit of the plane. Nonetheless I can't help but notice the reluctance in his step.

When we go back into the airport I am again met by curious stares, but by far not as many as in England. Are mamorunin more common here? I hope so, it would be less awkward. I follow Kanda through the gate into the area where we get our luggage back, one hand always on my belly. The older man forces me to sit down on some chairs by the side of the hall, next to the trolley he picked up. He meanwhile walks over to the conveyor belt. I see him taking out his phone, turning it on and punching in some numbers. It doesn't take long until someone picks up and he starts to talk with whoever is on the other end. I can't understand his conversation though because I am too far away.

He just puts the device back in his pocket when the belt starts to move and the first bags come out. Not ten minutes later he comes over to me with our luggage, putting it on the trolley. Wordlessly he holds a hand out to me again and I allow him to haul me up. For a moment I catch his eyes, reassuring him through my gaze. He nods and walks towards the exit of the building. Before the door I grab his hand, using him as my support for actually going out of here. He takes a deep gulp of air as soon as we're outside. I smile at him softly even though he doesn't reciprocate.

He calls a cab over and puts the bags in the trunk while the driver greets us in Japanese. Kanda helps me into the back of the car and then joins me from the other side.

"To Heguri, cho-street 14," he grumbles at the driver in Japanese.

The other nods and starts the car. I can't help but raise an eyebrow. This is not Kanda's old address where he lived when we were younger. I don't remember this address to begin with. So I turn to the raven and ask.

"That's not your old house, is it?"

"No"

"Where are we going then?"

"It's the girl's new address. We stay with her," he answers grumpily.

"Linali? Why with her and not in Tiedoll's house?"

As far as I remember the house of Kanda's adoptive father was pretty big, more a mansion. No one really knows where Tiedoll got all that money, but he was relatively rich. There should be enough space there, so why are we staying with Linali? He shifts uncomfortably on his seat before he answers grumbling.

"Too many bad memories. Plus the stupid old man is depressed and I wouldn't want to put you through this shit."

I have an inclination that he means more himself than me, but I understand. As far as I remember him, Tiedoll was a (overly) happy man, pretty clingy and dramatical. He annoyed Kanda quite a lot. To see him completely the opposite is surely something close to disturbing. But I am ripped out of my thoughts when a hard kick lands against my ribs. Unconsciously I rub my belly, which earns me a scrutinising gaze from Kanda.

During the ride we are both silent. I am looking out of the window, watching the scenery and letting memories from over three years ago flow back into me. Especially when we are coming closer to the area we lived in.

"Look, Kanda! There! That's our old elementary school," I bounce excitedly when the building passes by.

"Yeah," he groans, "Sit the hell down, moyashi."

In the end we stop in front of a decent sized house with a front garden. Linali is already waiting for us on the porch. The cab holds and Kanda steps out. The girl immediately walks over and silently embraces him. He doesn't push her away surprisingly. The driver meanwhile has started to unload our luggage. I open the door. As soon as he has detached himself from Linali, Kanda comes over to my side and helps me out of the car. I yawn and feel the exhaustion of the long flight (and second life) creep into my body.

Linali is standing in her garden, her arms wrapped around herself like if she feels cold. She smiles a sad smile when her eyes meet mine. Kanda lets me go and I follow him over to the girl.

"Allen, I am sorry. I hoped you would stay home, but I should have known better. In your condition you should have stayed safe and warm. Nonetheless I am glad to see you. Lavi will be so happy."

She steps forward and wraps me into a tight hug, shooting a glance to Kanda while her speech, making me understand that the most important thing is that I am here for Kanda. I would have protested but the last days have showed that he actually opens up to me. And as far as I could see, more than to anyone else. Linali is still holding me. After some minutes and a clearing of his throat from Kanda, the girl lets go of me. She smiles again and then looks down.

And squeals, "Oh, look at you. You have gained a real belly. How cute. I can't wait until the baby is born," she coos.

Her hands lay themselves softly on my bump. I can't help but smile at the thought of my child. Nonetheless I also pout. I am not 'cute', for god's sake! Kanda has his arms crossed and is watching us with an unreadable gaze.

"Oh, this is going to be such a surprise for my brother, Lavi and the others," she says, grinning at me.

"You didn't tell them?"

"No, not yet. It just didn't feel right. Plus, it's much funnier this way."

I can do nothing but shake my head. Kanda snorts.

"Is he in?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I told him to stay inside," she shrugs, "You know how he is. He is one of the few who haven't changed in the years you missed."

While we are talking, I see Kanda pay the driver and pick up our bags in the edge of my vision. Linali smiles sadly at me a last time, grabs my hand and leads me towards the house's front door. The raven follows us while the cab drives off. The girl opens the door.

"Nii-san! They're here."

"Linaliii!" resounds a loud shout from the basement and suddenly something (or rather someone) comes flying at us.

Instinctively Kanda pushes me behind him when the loud person latches onto Linali. The girl groans.

"Nii-san, release me. Look, Kanda is here. And he's fine."

Immediately the teary eyed man looks up and as he spots the raven he throws himself at the younger, who automatically evades him. This causes Komui to land head-first in the wall behind us. He sits up, pouting and rubbing his forehead.

"That was not fair, Kanda. I just wanted to make sure you are really fine."

"Che. I am fine, no injuries, nothing," Kanda growls as a reply.

"Really nothing?" Komui has now a serious face on.

Kanda rolls his eyes, but tenses nonetheless, "No, nothing. Doesn't that fucking go in any of your idiot's heads?! I stopped! Everyone is bloody asking that, it gets fucking annoying."

His voice is getting louder until he is nearly shouting. His fists are clenched and shaking slightly, his whole body is tense. Then suddenly he turns around and storms outside. Damn, his mood turned fast. I guess it is worse for him than I thought.

"I need some fucking air. Leave me alone for a fucking second."

And he is gone. We are all staring after him. Linali shocked and Komui pensive. I am drawn between running after him and staying here. Then after some minutes the girl takes the decision from me.

"Komui. Look here. Look who else is here."

For the first time Komui's eyes fall on me. They widen.

"Allen? That's you, isn't it? Why are you here? I mean, Linali told me you were still alive but that you most likely wouldn't come. Wait, is that – " he breaks off when his eyes reach my stomach.

Self-consciously I lay a hand on my bump while he turns to his sister, jaw hanging down, "Is there something you haven't told me, my sweet dear Linali?"

"I don't know what you could mean," she says innocently.

"Like the condition our young friend is in. Is it true that he is – pregnant?"

I lower my eyes and Linali grins broadly, "Yes. How far along are you now, Allen?"

"Nearly seven months if I'm correct," I mumble.

"Wow," he stares at me, but when he takes a step closer to me, I instinctively back away, "Would you let me make a scan on you? I have wanted to research the mamorunin for so long, but the hospitals wouldn't let me."

"I wonder why," I murmur, then turn to Komui's pouting face and smile evilly, "No way, I am letting you anywhere near my child. Is that clear?"

He pouts even harder, "Why? Why are you all so unfair to me?"

"Probably because you are a crazy scientist nobody would let do anything to them," I grumble, exhaustion and agitation about Kanda causing me to go into a bad mood.

Immediately Komui wails out loudly, "Did you hear that, my dear sweet Linali-chan? How mean he was to me! He – "

But the girl only hits him over the head, "Shut up, Nii-san. Allen needs his rest. I'm sure the journey was exhausting and he is not only sustaining himself."

Before I can protest she has thrown her brother off herself and ushered me upstairs. Stopping in front of a door she turns to me.

"You can have this room. We have prepared it. Kanda will have the one next to you. Mine is only two doors down the corridor. So if you need something just come to one of us. For now, get some rest. You do need it. Later I will show you the rest of the house and bring your bag."

"Okay, but what is with Kanda?"

She smiles sadly, "I think he needs some time for himself. Coming back here for Alma's memorial and having to look after you the whole time has taken it's toll on him and his psyche. And no, don't blame yourself now, it's not your fault. I will try to find and bring him back when I think he has calmed down enough. Sadly enough, Lavi and I got quite familiar with these outbreaks of his in the time he stayed here."

I nod, but don't know what to say. She embraces me another time and then softly pushes me into the room. It's furnished in a basic way. A soft bed, two chairs, a closet, some drawers and a small table. I sigh contentedly when I let myself fall onto the bed, after pulling my jacket and shoes off. Tired I crawl under the covers and sleep claims my exhausted body fast.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Now they are in Japan and Kanda is pretty besides himself. Let's see how that will go on next time.**

 **Reviews are appreciated and see you at chapter 18.**


	18. A rough start

**Hello everyone,**

 **since the last chapter was on Friday, this one is one day later than usual as well.**

 **Alright, I am currently having trouble with my Internet. So it may be that my updates will become a bit irregular.**

 **Other than that, thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: Nice joke...**

* * *

I am woken up by Linali for dinner later. She leads me down into the kitchen and I immediately notice a somehow solemn mood hanging over them. The other thing that comes to my attention is that Kanda is nowhere in sight. I sit down at the table, my stomach growling for food.

"What is wrong?" I ask the other silent occupants of the table.

They exchange an uncomfortable look, trying to avoid my gaze. I can clearly see that Linali is worried.

"What is it, Linali? And where is Kanda?"

"We don't know," she then forces out in a pained voice.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" I immediately stiffen, "Did he not come back?"

Sadly, the girl shakes her head. Komui lays an arm around her shoulder. My whole body is tense. Where is that jerk? What if something happened to him? A hot surge of worry shoots through me. Immediately I stand back up again. Linali looks up at me surprised.

"Where are you going, Allen?"

"Search Kanda of course."

In less than a second she is in front of me, preventing me to get any further, "No, surely not. You are not going to walk out there alone, in the dark, seven months pregnant. No way."

"But I need to find Kanda," I nearly whine.

"I'm sorry, but you can't. I am sure he will return at some point. Just be patient. If we would send a search party out for him he will just be pissed at us. We don't need that. Plus," she smiles, "Kanda would kill us if we let you go out here and then something happened to you."

I am torn between ignoring the girl and doing what she says, what I know is the better and more reasonable thing to do. In the end I sigh and let my head fall down. It earns me a smile and another hug from her.

"Kanda will come back alright, I promise. You need to look after yourself and your baby first. Sit down, eat as much as you want and then relax until that stubborn idiot returns," she says softly while guiding me back to my chair.

I do as she says, though I can't say I have much appetite even though the food tastes great. After dinner we settle in the living room, each a book in hand, while Komui returns to his laboratories in the basement. When Kanda still isn't back at nine o'clock in the evening I start another try to go search for him but Linali stops me again.

Soon after we hear Komui shuffle through the hallway to his bedroom. The girl follows about an hour and a half later, forcing me to go to my room as well, even though I want to stay in the living room and wait for Kanda. But with the argument, I and the baby need our rest, she shoos me into my room. That doesn't mean though that I actually sleep. I can't. I am tossing and turning, the concern for Kanda combined with my bump, making it impossible for me to find a comfortable position. So I lay awake a long time.

Until suddenly I hear the door downstairs creek open. Kanda! Is he back? Immediately I am back on my feet and out of bed. A look on the clock shows me that it is half an hour past midnight. Tip-toeing to the door I carefully open it. There is no light outside, but I can hear and see a figure coming up the stairs. From the posture and the long ponytail swinging behind him, he is easily discernible as Kanda. I soundlessly steps out. It is a testimony to his exhaustion and emotional turmoil that he doesn't notice me. Normally he can cut a tree leaf blindfolded.

"Where were you?" I ask softly.

Basically jumping he turns to me, his cobalt orbs glinting in the darkness, "Moyashi? What are you doing out here? You should be asleep."

"You didn't answer my question," I ignore his scolding.

"Hah, that is not – "

"Don't say it is not my business. It is if you suddenly disappear. You are my friend and caretaker if nothing else. I was worried sick. For god's sake you just stormed out, you have been unstable for days now and have been harming yourself some time ago. Do you know how many things could have happened? You could have been dead by now," I am working myself in a rant, hormones fuelling it, my arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe.

He only sighs, his face falling into something akin to defeat. What happened to the Kanda I knew? Even if we made a lot of progress in the past months, moments like this keep on worrying me.

"I did nothing like that, I swear," he murmurs.

"Then what did you do?" I ask again, taking a step towards him.

"I just visited some old places in the woods. I was at Alma's and my secret pond…" his voice holds so much sadness, but his face betrays basically nothing.

I only sigh, suddenly feeling the overwhelming urge to pull him into my arms. Like in trance I move forward until I am standing directly in front of him. He doesn't look up and I wrap my arms around him. I hold him tightly, reassuring myself that he is still here and fine. He doesn't even stiffen, actually relaxes into my contact.

"What are you doing, moyashi?" he nonetheless asks, trying to sound irritated.

"Just let me do it, Kanda. For once," I sigh, "I need to know you're here unharmed. And don't ever do this again."

He doesn't answer but to my surprise I feel strong arms closing around my back, pressing me against his hard body. He is holding me as tightly as I do. Softly I take one of his hands and lay it on my bump. He breathes out and his head falls onto my shoulder. We both simply revel in the other's warmth and comfort.

I don't know how long we just stand there, holding each other, but it feels like an eternity to me. And for all I care it could have lasted much longer. Unfortunately at some point I feel Kanda starting to detach himself from me. He looks exhausted, like he didn't sleep in days. Nonetheless I think to spot a softness in his gaze I haven't seen in very long. I can't help but smile.

"Now go sleeping, you look like I hell," I smirk softly.

"You should be the one sleeping. You have a baby to sustain," he at least smirks back a bit.

I only roll my eyes while I turn to my door, "When will everybody stop telling me that. I am pregnant, not invalid. Anyway, good night Kanda."

"Night moyashi," he answers as he slips into the room next to mine.

I smile again softly and relieved. Kanda is back safe. I stumble into my own room, all the nervousness rushing from my body and leaving it drained. As soon as my head touches the pillow I fall asleep.

* * *

Unfortunately I don't sleep all that well. The bed is new to me and uncomfortable, I can't find a position where I don't have to turn after a short time because I feel like I am suffocating or my back hurts. On top of that I keep on dreaming and most of them are not exactly nice.

So when the next morning I am awoken by a soft shake and a calm voice, I only groan and turn away from her. However not getting far because of my belly, which elects another groan from me.

"Allen, you have to get up," Linali murmurs in my ear, "It's already past nine. You need to eat something."

I groan again and slowly heave myself upright. The girl sits herself on the bed next to me.

"Are you okay? You look tired."

"I am fine," I yawn, "I couldn't sleep yesterday until Kanda returned," I turn to her, "Let him sleep please. He needs it, he looked awful last night."

She only sighs and looks down, "He's already up."

"What? He went to bed as late as I did."

"I know but he has been awake for quite some time now. And you're right, he looks awful."

"Where is he?" I ask urgently.

"Downstairs at the moment," she answers earning a relieved sigh from me, "The last I saw him, he was sitting in the kitchen staring into a cold cup of tea."

"I have to go to him," I say and scramble out of bed as fast as I am able.

Linali only watches me move around the room, shaking her head, "You two really mean a lot to each other."

As soon as I am clothed and have visited the bathroom, I stumble downstairs and into the kitchen. And in fact, there is Kanda, sitting at the kitchen table. He is only wearing black trousers and a sleeveless shirt, which shows the edges of his scars. He is barefooted and his long, black hair falls open around him like a silky curtain. He is staring down into a Japanese cup with tea on the table which is clenched in his hands. I sigh softly, but he doesn't react. He is pale and has subtle rings under his eyes, which are devoid of any form of emotion.

Softly I walk over to him and kneel down so our eyes are on the same height. His eyes snap to me when I unclench his hands from the cup and take them in mine. I smile at him as good as I can. Then I take one of his hands and lay it on my bulge. As if sensing Kanda's need for comfort the baby kicks hard against his palm. I am glad to see his tense face muscles relax, even if it is only the slightest bit. He sighs and to my surprise leans forward until our foreheads connect.

"Can you do me a favour and continue doing that?" he whispers to me.

"Doing what?" I ask surprised.

"Reminding me that there is also new life and not only death…"

I smile softly, "Of course. It would be my pleasure. Just don't slip away too far. I need you."

"I will try my best," he answers silently, closing his tired eyes.

I smile again, "I know you will."

I say and carefully move upwards, brushing my lips ever so softly over his. His eyes stay closed when I carefully stand up and instead hug him. He doesn't move but doesn't reject the contact either. What none of us notices is that Linali has been standing in the doorway the whole time, watching our interaction.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Please review and see you next time.**


	19. Memories and nightmares

**Hello everyone,**

 **next chapter and still in Japan.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own any of them anymore than you.**

* * *

After a big breakfast I go back to bed. I am still way too tired and both Linali and Kanda told me to sleep. I only did go though when Kanda promised to try to sleep a bit as well. But from what Linali told me he didn't rest much. Lunch is delicious and I shock my friends with my food combinations.

In the afternoon we all go on a long walk, visiting sites of our childhood. The Lees are showing us around the city. I am excited to see our old school, park and cinema again, but on the other hand I feel sad, knowing that we will never all just go there together without a care in the world. I can't help but remember Linali's words when she visited us.

 _'_ _Sometimes I wish it was like back then again._ _We all five together with no death, rape or sickness.'_

I wish so too. I can nearly see the five carefree teens walking through the swinging doors of the cinema. Kanda scowling, while Alma tries to sooth him, Lavi an arm over my shoulder, babbling away into my ear and Linali watching us all, hiding her giggles behind her hand. My heart clenches painfully at the thought of how much has changed and what has become of these five. Automatically I squeeze Kanda's hand which I am holding.

I grabbed it relatively at the beginning under the reason of wanting support. By now I have the impression it is just as much mental support for him as it is physical and psychological for me. Of course I see him tense every time we near a site that reminds him of Alma. I agree with Linali that it did him good to leave Japan, not only because he could help me.

When it goes towards evening I am exhausted. It was nice to see my old home town, but all the emotions and walking I had to endure do not sit well with me, seven months pregnant. Kanda has to practically carry me back to the house, but he doesn't seem to mind all that much.

I take a short nap before dinner. Again I eat about as much the other three together. After eating Kanda wants to leave again, but a stern look from the girl and puppy dog eyes from me (hurray for hormones) convince him otherwise and I enjoy his closeness for the time being. Soon though Linali sends us both to bed, saying we were up far too long last night.

* * *

Unfortunately this night is even worse than the last. Nightmares are not leaving me for one minute.

Sometime around midnight I shoot up screaming. Gripping my hair and belly hard and panting I try to banish the dream from my mind. Trying to banish Alma's mangled body, his dead eyes and his chanting of "Why did you leave?". Kanda in a pool of blood with cuts on his neck, Mugen in his hand and covered in his own blood. Banishing the Noahs standing over the dead bodies of my friends, bloody knives still in hand. Kanda's lifeless eyes, accusing me. Adam, the leader of the Noah clan, dangling a small bloody form carelessly. I know it was the baby I am currently carrying. Shaking I try to regulate my breathing. My child kicks me harshly, reminding me that it is indeed still alive and well.

I can't even think about going back to sleep again though. At least not here alone. Hearing the sounds from the next room an idea comes to my mind. Hope filling my chest I grab my pillow and slowly move out of the bed on unsteady feet. Carefully I trudge over to the dark door. Steeling myself I take a deep breath and softly knock on the wood.

Hearing no answer after a short time, I carefully open the door.

"Kanda?" I say softly.

"Moyashi?" he murmurs, "What are you doing here? It's in the middle of the night."

Gaining courage I step in completely, "I… I had a nightmare." I stutter, fumbling with my pillow in nervousness.

"Are you a little child?" he sighs, "And what the fuck am I supposed to do now?"

"Can I…" I take a deep breath, "C-Can I sleep here tonight?"

"What?" he asks sleepily.

"Please, I… I can't go back to sleep alone again. I am too afraid. I need to be sure someone is there for me. And-And maybe it will do you good as well to feel a living being next to you," I plead.

I hear him sigh and his hand runs through his long strands, "Fine, moyashi. But don't disturb me."

My face lights up that much, I am surprised I am not actually glowing in the dark. Hurriedly I move over to Kanda's bed. He shuffles a bit to the side and I throw my pillow on the bed. His cobalt eyes are gleaming in the dark, focused on me with an emotion I can't place. I smile, showing him how relieved I am about this. Slowly I slide under the covers, relishing in Kanda's body heat and his scent. Immediately my body, nearly without my command, scoots over, cuddling close into Kanda's side and warmth.

"Oi, moyashi. That wasn't…" he starts but stops when he feels my body completely relax.

I don't know if he thinks I have already fallen asleep or just wants to let me do anything for the baby's sake, but soon I feel him lay down completely as well. To my surprise I feel strong arms going around me and pulling me into a hard chest. I sigh contentedly. Together we drift asleep fast. None of us has any more nightmares that night.

* * *

The next morning we are not even woken up by Linali. She apparently is so content with us sleeping cuddled together (or finds it too cute), that she lets us sleep in, knowing we both need it. So I wake up to sun rays shining straight onto my eyelids.

I mumble unwillingly and slowly drag myself out of the depths of sleep. I am still surrounded by this calming warmth and Kanda's soft scent. When I open my eyes, I come directly face to face with him, well more like his chin (damned height difference). Looking up, I realise he is actually still sleeping. His eyes are closed and his breathing regular and slow. Studying his face, I can't help but see how soft, relaxed and kind of innocent he looks in his sleep. The only time he looks like that I guess. Very carefully I lift my right hand and trace his features, running my hand through his silky hair where it falls over his face. He doesn't seem to notice, instead leans into my touch. Suddenly his eyes snap open. For a moment they are wild and somehow frightened. But when they spot me instead of an enemy he relaxes.

"Good morning, Kanda," I smile at him.

"Morning, moyashi. No more nightmares?" he mumbles back.

I smile even wider, "No, none. Thank you."

He only shrugs and sits up, "You should go eat something, you know. It's nearly eleven o'clock."

I pout at him and stick my tongue out, but he ignores it. Smiling inwardly I walk back to my room to get ready. I meet him on the top of the stairs when I am finished. His hair is still down and I have to stop myself from grabbing it. Outstretching a hand towards me he nods in the direction of the kitchen. I smile and gladly take the hand.

Linali only grins at us when we come down, causing me to blush. Then she tells us that Lavi will arrive tomorrow afternoon. To be honest I have mixed emotions about seeing the red head. Of course I am incredibly happy to see him again. But on the other hand I am afraid to see how much he may have changed and that he will make Kanda's mental state even worse with his constant teasing. Plus, most likely he will tease me endlessly about my child and the fact that I am living with my crush.

The girl also says that the memorial starts on Saturday at ten o'clock in the morning. We will all be assembling on the cemetery. There I will meet the rest of our former friend circle, including Tiedoll, Kanda's adoptive father. Alma's parents apparently can't come, like last year, because they are too busy to do who knows what on the other side of the earth. What kind of parents are they, not going to their only child's memorial? But even when the boy still lived they were only rarely there, making him life alone from a young age on. Later he actually spent most nights at Tiedoll's house in a room close to Kanda's.

Kanda immediately stiffens when the subject of the memorial comes up and I understand him, so I only rub the back of his hand with my thumb. Linali smiles and says how happy she is that we found each other and can support the other. Kanda glares at her, but she only grins and sets to preparing something to eat.

Later that day we go out to buy me some mourning clothes. Maternity edition, bah. Because there weren't all that many acceptable clothes back in England I only have a few clothes that still fit me and they are all, let's say it nicely, pretty colourful. So I need others for the memorial. To my surprise I discover that there is a far better variety here in Japan. (Plus the people are not that tall here and the length of the clothes fits me better.) Because I have only so few Linali buys me other clothes as well.

The evening goes by calmly. In the night though I have a very hard time falling asleep and from the sounds next door Kanda is not doing much better. So I take all my courage and walk over to the other room once again. This time the raven doesn't even ask, just moves aside. I happily crawl into bed next to him, cuddling close as good as I can (damned bulge getting in the way). Again the nightmares avoid us.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I am not sure whether there is going to be a chapter this weekend because I won't have my laptop during that time. Perhaps on Friday, but if not see you again next Wednesday and please review.**


	20. The fourth partner

**Hello everyone,**

 **I'm seriously annoyed now. I ordered some books to which I was really looking forward to. They were due this Tuesday and now they are going to arrive tomorrow. And that's like the only day in the whole bloody month I am not at home. This timing is incredible X(**

 **Anway thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: This site is called Fanfiction for a reason.**

* * *

That's why we are more or less well rested for the first time in what I assume weeks for Kanda (only some days for me), when Linali comes to wake us at half past nine. After a breakfast, we spend the time until lunch reading. To my surprise I catch Kanda drawing when I go to look for him after he disappeared after less than an hour reading. He growls at me and I grin, but back away nonetheless. Maybe one day he will show me his drawings.

When I ask Linali later if she has ever seen them, she seems surprised.

"I didn't even know he did that anymore," she says.

"You mean, you knew he drew back then?"

"Alma told us at some point. And we saw him doing it a few times after you disappeared. He seems like he is in a different world when he draws or paints," she smiles.

"Like when he is sword-fighting," I add.

"Hm, kind of, yes. But I think it is different. When he is practising kendo he is solely focused on the moves and the sword. He does register his surroundings and knows how to react. But when he draws his eyes get this far-away look. It looks nearly peaceful, if you ask me," she murmurs softly.

I look at her for some moments, then something comes to my mind, "Did you ever know that he never drew himself in the pictures?"

"Well, don't they say that drawing oneself is one of the most difficult things in art…" She looks surprised.

"That may be, but it's not what I mean. I mean that, even when he drew our group, Lavi, A-Alma, you and me, he never added himself."

"Well… It's a bit strange, but… Maybe he was just drawing it from his point of view."

"But even if that was clearly a posed picture? To me it seems like he feels he doesn't belong to our group," I argue.

She looks stunned then lays a hand on my shoulder, "I don't think he feels like that. I don't know why but there was always something about him not really wanting to look in the mirror all that much. You may think he does because of his hair, but all he does is brushing it in the mornings and binding it up afterwards. I always had the impression that he didn't like how he looked. But don't ask me why. Lavi and I guessed because he had been teased for girlish looks when he was younger, but to be honest I doubt that's the reason."

I stare at her, contemplating the explanation. Well, it could be… I sigh and decide not to break my head over this.

Lunchtime comes and with it the time of Lavi's arrival gets closer. Kanda originally wanted to stay inside or leave but a threat from Linali made him decide otherwise. And only I did hear the insults he grumbled at her. Luckily, as he would have been maimed if Komui heard.

Around three o'clock Linali is waiting at the front of her garden after having locked her brother in his lab. I was told that he is too aggressive towards the red head, because he thinks he and Linali are in a relationship (which is correct according to Kanda's irritated mumblings). The raven is leaning against one of the posts of the canopy and scowling while I am sitting on a bench behind him.

Ten minutes waiting later a cab pulls up and stops in front of the fence. The back door opens and I hold my breath. And out comes a shock of fiery red hair. I release my breath when I notice that Lavi at least didn't change all that much on the outside. His hair is still bright red and untameable, falling over his forehead and ears, only held up by a black-green bandana. His right eye is still covered with an eyepatch and the left sparkles bright emerald. His outfit is still lazy and he is wearing one more ear-piercing than I remember. Other than that, the only things that changed are that he grew even more, there is a very slight bit of stubble visible on his chin (which actually both Kanda and I seem to lack, not that I'm complaining) and he looks slightly wiser despite the mischievous glint in his eye. His face though also shows the sadness of why he is here.

Stepping out he immediately walks over to Linali and scoops the girl up in a tight hug. Seeing that, I inch slightly closer to Kanda who looks at me from the corner of his eyes and does something akin to nod when I smile at him. Meanwhile Lavi is cupping Linali's face, he kisses her forehead and she laughs. Then she gestures to Kanda, who reluctantly walks over to the two. The taxi driver unloads the luggage and Lavi pays him just before Kanda arrives. Casting the scowling raven a sad look, the other boy pulls his friend into a hug as well, way looser (and more awkward) than with Linali though. Drawing away after a short moment he lays a hand on Kanda's shoulder.

"How are you doing, Kanda?"

To my surprise I note that he didn't even use Kanda's first name to rile him up. Maybe even he sees the seriousness of the current situation and does not tease the raven. Or it is in memory of Alma who was the only one who was allowed to call Kanda 'Yuu' without the raven threatening to kill him. How I sometimes wish I had that privilege too.

"Che, fine."

"Yeah, sure," Lavi grumbles unbelievingly.

He exchanges a look with Linali but she only shakes her head, "Come inside. I will explain there. Plus there is someone you should meet."

He looks at her strangely and picks up his bag while Kanda walks back to me and puts himself practically in front of me. I take a deep breath, willing my nervousness away, and stand up, one hand on my swollen abdomen, to meet Lavi. When the two catch up to Kanda, the red head is already grinning again.

"So who is it?"

Linali only smiles and motions to Kanda who grumbles but steps aside, giving the view free on me. Lavi's eye looks like it wants to bulge out of his socket, his mouth falls open and he drops his bag.

"No, it can't be! Allen? Is that you?" he asks incredulously.

"Yes, he is," the girl answers for me.

After a confirming look to both her and Kanda, Lavi, who is still stunned silent, hurries forward to envelope me in a big hug. I see Kanda tense, but the girl lays a hand on his arm.

"We thought you were dead! Man, I am glad to see you alive! Really, we were all so worried," he babbles into my hair.

I lift my arms and hug him back, "I am also incredibly happy to be back. Honestly."

After some minutes he draws away again and gives me an once-over, grinning broadly, "Well, look at you. At least a bit did you grow. But you're still a beansprout. And still as thin as…"

But he stops when his eye lands on my bulging stomach. Automatically his eye wanders to Kanda who only glares back, but with a protective glint in his eyes. Then the green eye searches for Linali who simply grins, her eyes sparkling.

"Uh, Allen-chan," Lavi starts uncomfortably after not getting any help from his girlfriend, "is that what I think it is?"

Deciding to play along, I cock my head to the side innocently, "What do you think it is?"

"Uh, a, well, you know," he stumbles over his words. Lavi tongue-tied, that must be a moment for the history books and I never thought I would see something like that, "Err, a p-pregnancy belly…"

I grin when he finally gets it out, "Yes, I would say so."

Now he cocks his head to the side, "Should I congratulate Yuu then?"

"No," I shake my head sadly, "He's not the father. Only taking care of me."

"Oh, uh…"

Seeing as Lavi is still extremely uncomfortable, Linali tells us all to go inside. There she sits the red head down and explains him the whole story, including what happened to Kanda. The raven has disappeared somewhere halfway through and I leave shortly before they are finished.

Kanda only returns late at night again. Out of worry I have actually waited in his room instead of mine and fallen asleep on the bed. I wake up when he enters, afraid of him shouting at me. But he only changes his clothes and climbs into bed next to me. To my great but pleasant surprise he pulls me close to his body of his own accord and I happily snuggle against him. So I fall asleep this night to Kanda's fingers weaving through my hair.

* * *

The next day is spent in a pretty tense and sombre atmosphere. Kanda spends most of the day out in the forest, doing god knows what. Linali and Lavi are taking some alone-time while keeping the red head safe from Komui. I sleep a lot to gather my strength for the following day.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **So finally Lavi is also here.**

 **Next station: the actual memorial.**

 **See you then and please review.**


	21. Memorial for Alma

**Hello everyone,**

 **alright, sorry, sorry, sorry...**

 **I know I'm late, but like I said I have problems with my internet and now my laptop is adding more to it. Sometimes I hate that thing**

 **Anyway thanks for the reviews.**

 **Warning for a quite OOC Kanda in this chapter. But hey, it's a pretty bad situation for him, he's allowed to be a bit emotional.**

 **Disclaimer: Yeah, well...**

* * *

And then it is here. The day of the memorial. I have slept in Kanda's arms again. Linali wakes us at half past eight. Silently we dress in the black clothing, Kanda pulls up his mane with an equally dark ribbon and I try to get my hair to lay how I want it. I will draw enough attention anyway with my belly and my white hair which will stand out like a beacon in all the black.

Kanda looks tired and the other two don't seem much better. Even Lavi is not talking all that much (for him anyway). The only one who looks about normal is Komui. We eat silently. When the clock strikes a quarter before ten, all four of us exchange a look and then head out. Komui has started the car and we get in. I actually get the passenger seat because it offers the most space.

I am totally not looking forward to what is going to happen today. First there will be some kind of reception where I will meet the rest of Kanda's family. From what the others said about how he changed I am actually kind of afraid to see Tiedoll. After everyone has arrived, there will be a small ceremony inside. Then we will go outside to Alma's memorial stone. Everyone who wants can say something about him and/or lay something down at the stone. Afterwards will be a meal, followed by some more talking. I am planning to visit Mana's grave when all is finished and I got Kanda to come with me.

During my musings we have arrived in front of the graveyard and the car stops. The others get out and I open my door. Outside Kanda is waiting for me and helping me up. For a moment, just as I stand upright, he pulls me into his arms, pressing my chest against his.

"Stay by my side today," he murmurs in my ear.

I smile softly and take his face in my hands, "Of course, you idiot. I would have done that anyway."

He nods and my hand clasps his. Together we walk to the place Linali, Lavi (who are also holding hands) and Komui are waiting. None of them comments on our joined hands, seeing them as a sign of comfort.

We enter the hall, only to notice that we are the first ones to arrive. I sigh and lean against Kanda, closing my eyes for a moment. Then we hear multiple sets of steps. Kanda nudges me to look towards the three newcomers. Tiedoll, Marie and a woman I have never seen before.

My shocked gaze fixes on Tiedoll. He looks as bad as Kanda said. His cheeks are fallen and the eyes have red rings. He shows signs of drinking and his clothes are in even more disarray than I remember. His formerly grey-brown hair is now completely grey and unbound. I shudder when I compare him to the happy, dramatic and sappy man from my memories. Kanda rubs my back, even though I notice a distant look in his eyes.

Marie doesn't look all that different. Still incredibly tall, muscled, bald and with earphones on his head. His milky eyes are unfocused, weaving over the five of us. There are more lines in his face though, showing his weariness and age older than he actually is. The woman by his side, who is practically hiding in the protective arm he has around her shoulders, looks very shy and nervous. She has slightly curly, black hair in a low ponytail and dark rings around her eyes indicate not enough sleep.

"Hello Kanda," Marie says in his deep voice, "You are doing better from what I can tell."

"Maybe. You could say that…" Kanda sighs.

Alma and Marie were the only people who Kanda got really along with. Even though they are not related by blood, the older is like a brother to him and they have a strong bond. Marie is blind from an accident before I met him, he doesn't talk about it, but he is the gentlest soul I have ever met.

"I am happy to see you here," the taller says and claps his brother on the shoulder.

"Yeah, you too, Marie. Miranda," Kanda answers.

The shy woman startles, "G-Good d-day, K-Kanda."

Kanda sighs, a pained look passing through his eyes, "How has it been going? With Tiedoll…?"

"Well, he has not gotten much worse," now it is Marie's turn to sigh and look at their adoptive father sadly, "But he hasn't gotten better either. There are still times when he hallucinates that Daisya and sometimes even Alma is back and we all are just ignoring them. He doesn't take as much medicine anymore, but I think he has been drinking more to compensate it."

Kanda nods, his hand clenching around mine. Tiedoll's state draws a gasp from me, which alerts Marie to my presence. A slight smile makes it's way onto his lips.

"But I see you found yourself your own charge, Kanda?"

"Che. I am sure you remember Allen," the raven answers.

"Of course I do. Is this him? I thought I recognized his voice," Marie smiles.

"Yes, I found him on the streets in London."

Marie frowns confused, "But from what I can hear there is more than one other person here. Isn't there? The heartbeat is faint but there."

I sigh but decide to answer in Kanda's stead, "That is because I am with child, Marie."

"Oh, that is unexpected. But it is very nice to hear your voice, Allen. To know that you are alive and safe. However I doubt this child is my brother's, is it?"

I shake my head sadly, "No, unfortunately it is not. But I don't really want to go into the details of this now."

"Of course, I am sorry. I hope Kanda has looked after you well."

"Oh yes, he has," I smile brightly at him, "He has given me so much more than I would have expected."

"What is that supposed to mean?" the tall man smirks, causing Kanda to scowl.

"No, not like that. Don't even think about it," he growls at his brother while I look between them confused.

While we were talking the rest of the people have arrived and Komui is calling us into the hall. Kanda takes my hand and leads me in, guiding me to one of the front row seats. After softly pushing me down, he sits next to me and Linali on my other side. Then the priest begins. Linali tells me, he is the same who did both funerals back then.

The ceremony consists of the usual words. My hand never leaves Kanda's and I feel that he needs it as a support as much as I do. Especially when the priest talks about what happened, the accident and I feel Kanda go stiff next to me. Softly I lay my head on his shoulder, assuring him I'm here. He forces his breathing to calm down and leans against me. I notice Marie shooting me a thankful look for being there for his brother.

I let Kanda take comfort in my warmth the whole ceremony through and at the same time, take the strength I need from him as well. When it is over he helps me up and we walk outside with the rest. None of us four says a word. Linali is crying in Lavi's shoulder and some tears are also running down my cheeks. Kanda doesn't cry, but I can see in his eyes that is having a hard time holding his psyche together. The hand not holding mine is rubbing his left chest side. Where his scars are, I realize with a start. Hurriedly I reach out and pull it away. I look deep into his eyes and shake my head. He sighs and avoids my gaze.

Once we arrive at the stone, he squares his shoulders, his hand still holding onto mine. First the priest reads out the (very short) statement Alma's parents sent. Then both Linali and Lavi say some words about him. I am not going to talk, it has been too long and I wouldn't know what to say anyway. After she is finished, Linali throws the raven next to me a stern look. He nods and pulls two sheets of paper out of his coat. He looks me in the eyes for a moment and I know that he wants to speak. I nod and slowly follow him to the front of the crowd. It is strange for me to see Kanda, who was always so strong needing me for support, but it also gives me a warm feeling. Then he takes a deep breath and starts.

"I know I should have said what I will say today, already last year or maybe even at the funeral. But I couldn't. As much as I hate to admit it, it hurt too much to do it. Now I am in the process of overcoming it and moving on, so I can now finally say what I should have long ago.

"Alma and I met in the orphanage I was brought to with eight years. The orphanage also organized a day-care and he was one of the children who were there every day. I was a loner, didn't want any contact with anyone. But he kept pestering and following me until I gave in. He was my first and forever best friend. Even later he was the one I was closest to, the one who knew about my drawings and my secrets. We had great times with our other three friends. And he helped me a lot when Allen disappeared. We helped each other. Later he confessed his love for me. Well, I was surprised, sure, but it felt good. In the end we came together. However that didn't last long.

"We weren't even one year a couple when he didn't turn up to a party he promised he would. I saw him being brought to hospital when I drove home that day. It was the worst day in my life as far as I can remember. The relief when they said the surgery was successful was big. I stayed by his side the whole time, asking him to wake up. But he didn't. Four days after his accident, I went home to take a shower and when I came back they told me he had internal bleeding and was operated on again. And then they said he didn't make it. I don't remember much after that for about a day. My friends told me I raged and screamed. Then the funeral three days later. I am pretty sure nobody could see it but for me that was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. But I never cried.

"Through a combination of facts my life went into a downward spiral after that and it wouldn't have taken much so that everything would have been too late. But now I am starting to see the life again. I have decided to keep living for him. I am sure he would never want me to go on like I did. No, most likely he would hit me for it and call me stupid. However, I will never forget him and all he did for me. He will always be special for me and I will forever mourn him, but I will no longer dwell on the past. So I wanted to say thank you to him. And 'I love you too'. The one sentence I never said before it was too late. Farewell, my friend."

With that he ends and a lot of people have tears in their eyes. Seeing the usually cold Kanda give such an emotional speech means a lot. In the background Tiedoll is uncontrollably sobbing. Kanda himself bends down in front of the stone.

"Sorry, for all I did, Alma. And thank you for everything, I will never forget you. Here is the drawing you always wanted. I planned to give it to you at the party. I hope you can still see it."

He unrolls the papers and I see two drawings. One is of Alma alone, how I remember him. About seventeen years old, a grin on his face. Long bangs dangling around his face, the short hair at the back of his head standing away. The scar across his nose and the twinkle in his eyes. He is half-leaning, half-siting on a fallen tree, his hands on it. In front of him is a pond with lotuses in it. The second picture is of two boys, around the age of nine. One is unmistakably Alma, with the haircut, scar and grin. The other looks more serious with narrow eyes and shoulder length dark hair. With a start I realise that this is Kanda as a boy. Kanda has for the first time put himself in a picture. Well, his nine-year-old self but himself nonetheless. The boys are standing arm in arm in front of a big tree.

When Kanda straightens up again, his eyes meet mine and without a warning, he pulls me against him, pressing me as close as he dares with my belly. I instinctively grip him back, letting the tears go into his shoulder. I even feel one wet drop hit my temple. I don't exactly know how long we stand there like that when someone, most likely Lavi, starts to clap. Soon all of the crowd falls in and they are clapping for Kanda's speech and me being back. I smile slightly and hide my face in Kanda's shoulder. He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of my head, much to my delight.

He leads me back into the crowd and is immediately assaulted by Linali who throws herself around his neck, crying and murmuring things to him. After she lets go, Kanda gets another hug from Lavi, evades a jumping Tiedoll and gets a lot of claps on the shoulder.

The part in front of the stone is soon finished and we proceed to my favourite point, eating. Sitting between Kanda and Linali again I feel the emotional exhaustion finally taking hold of me and I doze off on Kanda's shoulder before the first course.

In the end Kanda excuses us early and drives me home. I decide that I have time to visit Mana's grave some other day. Today I am way too tired. Instead I let the raven help me out of the car and up to the rooms. Out of instinct I go in his, change clothes and lay down while he puts the car away. When he returns not long after, I am already dozing off, but I still notice him slipping in bed next to me and pulling me close. So I drift asleep while he watches over me. With the knowledge that I am safe it is a calm and strengthening sleep.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Sweet speech from Kanda, don't you think? (Though I doubt he would do something like this in the original manga ^^')**

 **I am not sure when I will upload the next chapter yet, sorry.**

 **See you then anyway and please review.**


	22. Grave of my father

**Hello everyone,**

 **I found the Internet again ;) For now that is...**

 **Thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: It's not like anything will ever change here...**

* * *

I don't know when Linali, Lavi and Komui returned. The next time I wake up, it is already Sunday morning. Kanda is gone, downstairs as I can hear. I dress back in my black outfit. Today we have some private mourning to remember our friend planned, so dark clothes again.

The four are sitting at the kitchen table, mostly nibbling at food and staring into cups of coffee. The day doesn't get much better later either.

Only in the evening can I finally see how the tension and sadness is starting to leave the others. Komui ends our day of remembering with fireworks. And only then I see again smiles on Linali's and Lavi's faces, sitting cuddled together in the back garden. I am leaning against Kanda, my eyes threatening to fall shut. It goes only very slow but the tension is also leaving his body and he relaxes into me. Because of the draining day I fall asleep soon, again to the feeling of Kanda running his fingers through my hair.

* * *

We decided that the day after this would be free for relaxing. And that's what I do, sleep. Most of the time. The past few days were emotionally draining. Kanda is there every time I wake up, drawing or reading and he makes sure I eat in between. When I'm awake and not eating I spend my time watching him.

* * *

Two days later I get Kanda to drive me to the cemetery again. I don't want to wait any longer to visit my adoptive father's grave. We buy flowers on the way there.

After helping me out of the car, Kanda wants to retreat his hand again, but I refuse to let him go. Today I need his support. He has gotten a lot better after the ceremony was over. He is still pretty snappy and a jerk, but at least he is back to his normal character. This being weak didn't fit him at all.

It takes us some time to find the grave because I accidently took the wrong row and Kanda wasn't there often enough to remember it properly. Finally we stand in front of a white marble stone. It is a bit grown over by plants. I try to get down and wipe them away but don't manage without fearing to squish my child. So Kanda lets go of me and kneels in front of the grave, pulling the green away. It gives way for the name on it.

 _Mana Walker_

 _You were a saviour and had to part way too suddenly_

I take a shuddering breath. He saved me from the streets after all. His death came out of nowhere back then. It was one day when I came home after school to an eerily silent house. He was laying over the piano we had, a stab wound over his heart. The police apparently didn't want to investigate and closed it off as a heart attack. The wound came from a small knife that had been laying on the piano and he had accidently fallen on it. Sure! None of us believed that, but what should we have done. So I inherited everything from him and arranged the funeral with the help of Tiedoll and Komui. I guess everything Mana left me has fallen to the Noahs after I disappeared, but that is not my concern. As long as none of them finds me I am happy.

After Kanda stands up again next to me, I put my hands together and close my eyes, to focus on Mana.

'Hello father,' I say mentally even though I know he can't hear me, 'I am sorry it has been three years since I was here the last time, but I couldn't return to Japan because of the Noahs, you know. Yeah, well, it has happened so much. I bet you are not exactly proud of my state right now, are you? Knocked up by a random stranger and crying again. But at least I am in good care. Kanda is so nice if you manage to get past that hard exterior. My greatest wish right now is that after this child is born I can still stay with him and maybe even keep the child. Anyway I still miss you a lot. Why did you have to leave? None of that would have happened if you were still alive. But enough of the sadness for now, I have already been grieving too much these past days because of Alma, I am sure this is not good for the child. That's why my visit today will be relatively short. If I can afford it or can stay with someone I will come again on your birthday. That should be after the child is born, so I have more time. Goodbye, father. I hope you are happy wherever you are, I have to return to my life.'

Tears are running down my face at the end of it and Kanda silently draws me into his arms, allowing me to just cry in his shoulder like some days ago. He strokes my back and murmurs something I can't understand.

It takes me some time to calm down, but when I do I smile up at Kanda through my veil of tears. He strokes some hair out of my face and then his lips touch my forehead.

"He was a great man, moyashi, and you were lucky to be his son. He loved you, even I could see that. I am pretty sure he will be proud of you no matter what you do."

I smile and nod, then turn back to the stone. My fingers run over the name once and I place the flowers we brought down. Then I take Kanda's hand again.

"See you again someday, father," I say and raise my hand one last time.

Then I turn and head to the gate. I freeze though when I think to see a dark-skinned figure standing in the shadows of the cemetery wall. One of the Noahs?! No, please not! I can neither run nor fight properly at the moment. But I blink once and the figure is gone. Was it only a hallucination? I guess so. I just want to breathe a sigh of relief when suddenly a hot, searing pain shoots through my abdomen. I gasp and let Kanda go to press both of my hands against my bulge. Not again!

"Moyashi!" I hear Kanda yell, "What is wrong?"

I scream as another pain shoots through me and I sink to my knees. The raven hurriedly kneels next to me and then hauls me up to carry me. I grip his shirt and cry again.

"Please Kanda! Help me! It hurts so much!"

I don't understand what he is mumbling because another wave grips me and everything goes black for about the third time since I met Kanda.

* * *

Awaking to the wooden ceiling of Kanda's room in the Lee house is much better than the hospital white from last time.

"You awake, moyashi?" I hear Kanda's gruff voice from the desk at the side of the room.

I sit up, luckily without feeling any pain, "Yes, what happened? And how long was I out?"

"It's now about four in the afternoon, meaning you were out for about five hours. You collapsed on the cemetery. Don't you remember?"

"This time I do. But why? The child is still safe inside me as far as I can tell," I say, my hands instinctively searching my bulge, "Actually I am surprised you didn't drag me to a hospital again."

"I bloody took you to the hospital, but as soon as you passed out, the pain seemed to have disappeared. The doctor also said that both you and the baby are fine and you just stressed too fucking much or something and the baby made it clear that it doesn't like that. Then he sent you back home, because they apparently were already too full."

"Nice way of showing that," I murmur.

"I told you, you shouldn't have come to Japan with me," he frowns.

I roll my eyes, "If not, I would have stayed home and worried the whole time, which would count as stressing as well. And no one would have been there to help me. Plus I think it was only because I thought I saw a Noah. That was most likely the reason for my fit."

He studies me sceptically for a moment then grumbles something, "I didn't tell the others what exactly happened, just that you were exhausted and fell asleep. And you have a doctor appointment the day after tomorrow."

"But – " I open my mouth to protest, but I cut him off.

"No, I let you come with me under the condition that I could drag you to a doctor if I deem it necessary. And after what happened today, I think you see why."

I pout and cross my arms, but only until my stomach rumbles loudly, "Ah, yeah, I guess I missed lunch…"

He rolls his eyes again and turns away, "Go downstairs and ask the girl for something to eat. I am sure she will be happy to do so."

I stick my tongue out at his back but do as he says. Linali asks me if I'm fine and after my affirmation she prepares me some sandwiches. Lavi joins and we talk a bit about nothing special. When I return to the room, Kanda is gone and it takes me some moments to notice he is in the shower. Two kinds of uneasiness creep into me at that. The one is because I remember how I found him on that fateful evening, battered and barely conscious. And the other… well, that is of a way simpler nature, or should I say sexual. Not wanting to risk him seeing me, I hurriedly move back to my own room, to take care of my problem. Damned pregnancy hormones!

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Please review and see you next time.**


	23. A visit to the doctor

**Hello everyone,**

 **I still couldn't get my internet fixed and university starts next weak too. Hurray ;)**

 **Thank you all for the reviews. I got to 100 again. Thanks a lot :)**

 **Now to the Noahs; I prefer to think Allen only imagined someone standing there. Also because I originally don't have a chapter with a confrontation between the Noahs and Allen planned. But if I get enough wishes for it, I will maybe write one.**

 **Disclaimer: The doctor is mine but the other characters aren't.**

* * *

Even though I hope Kanda forgets the doctor appointment, no chance. And so I am sitting in Komui's car another two days later at half past ten, with Kanda driving and an excited Linali in the backseat. She begged until I gave in. Lavi tried too, but all it got him was a hit by Mugen, which Kanda has started to carry around again. My arms are crossed, but all pouting didn't work when Kanda literally dragged me out of the house.

Arriving at the doctor's office, the raven parks the car, while Linali helps me out of it. She is nearly bouncing with excitement, but when I mentioned that she could simply have her own child she just looked at me with bewilderment, saying that firstly, she is still too young for that and secondly, she would like for Lavi to live a bit longer. You can't say much against the second argument, but hey, she is two years older than me, if I am allowed to mention that. We were only in the same class back then, because I went to school one year early and she was one year behind because of her and her brother moving to Japan at the wrong time of the year. But I refrained from reminding her of that.

Kanda leads us inside, while Linali drags me behind. No getting away with these two. The raven stops at the entrance desk.

"My friend has an appointment. His name is Allen Walker."

The receptionist looks up and smiles at the raven, "Yes, please sit in the waiting room. Doctor Hakeshi should be there in about five minutes."

Linali grins happily and starts to pull me to the waiting area but I can't help but scowl at the receptionist's tries to keep on talking with Kanda. She is flirting with him. Get away from him! He is not yours, bitch! I am getting angry way faster than I normally would. I guess this time it is really the hormones. So I rip my arm free from Linali's grip, leaving her staring at me surprised.

"What are you doing?" I growl at Kanda, "Come on, I am waiting for you."

"Is this your boyfriend?" the girl behind the desk asks innocently.

Before Kanda can open his mouth I snap, "None of your business. So shut up."

That earns me a shocked gasp from the receptionist and strange looks from my friends, but I don't care, only grab Kanda's arm and drag him towards Linali.

"What the hell was that, moyashi?" the raven growls.

"She was flirting with you!" I say accusingly.

"Yes, and?" he answers back irritated, "It's not like I am in a relationship."

"But… What is with me? And…" My anger has (very) quickly diffused and leaves me in tears.

"Moyashi?" Kanda asks surprised, "Forget it. I am not even interested in her," he adds hurriedly, "I don't like girls all that much to begin with."

It makes me feel better but I can't contain a last sniffle. He rolls his eyes and pulls me in his arms.

"For god's sake, moyashi. Pull yourself together."

After I have calmed back down I follow Linali into the waiting room and reluctantly sit down with the two at my sides. Apart from us there are five more person in the spacious area. On the other side is another mamorunin with what I guess is his partner. The carrier has a lean statue, black hair nearly as long as Kanda in a complicated braid, bright green eyes, pale skin and from the size of his bulge I would say he is at nearly six months. His bulkier, tan partner with shoulder-length golden-blond strands and sparkling blue eyes has an arm around him while one of the raven's hands rests on his abdomen. When he catches my eyes he smiles conspiratorially. The other couple is a man and a woman who looks about ready to give birth. With fright I realise that I will be about as big as that in less than two months. The about four years old child in the playing area in the corner of the room is theirs I guess, judging from her dark brown eyes which only fit the woman and no one else in this room.

I see the raven on the other side whisper something to his lover who looks over to us and then turns back surprised to the grinning green eyed man. Then the blonde stands up and walks out of the room to the drink vender outside. Again the raven smiles at me, his eyes glinting with mischief, playing with the ends of his long plait. Then his eyes motion to Kanda. I cock my head to the side, which only causes him to smirk broader. Then his lover returns with a juice for the smaller man. He sends me another grin and then leans up to reward his partner with a deep kiss. I blush and try to look anywhere but Kanda. Had I, then I would have noticed that he stares the couple nearly as much as I do.

Luckily right then someone stepping in saves me further embarrassment.

"Allen Walker," says a soft voice.

I groan. It is time. I have to face a doctor again. As reluctant as I am I have problems gathering the needed strength to get myself from the chair. I am really dreading how that will be at the end of my pregnancy. I won't even be able to move alone at all anymore. Thankfully (or maybe not) Kanda holds out his hands again and pulls me up. I decidedly ignore a small snicker which I am sure came from the green eyed man. Those eyes, as green as Lavi's, follow us as we leave the room.

We follow the doctor, a gentle looking man in his thirties with black hair and eyes, in one of the rooms where I am instructed to sit on the examination bed inside, while Linali sits on the only free chair and Kanda leans against the wall. After the affirmation that I want both of them here with me, he starts with asking me some questions.

"How old are you, Mr. Walker?"

"17," I squirm a little at the admission and dart a helpless glance to Kanda, but he has closed his eyes.

"Hm," the doctor only hums, "If it is not too personal, is this man," he motions to the raven, "the father?"

"No, he is not," I swallow hard, this time my eyes connect with Kanda's, "But he is the one taking care of me until the child is born."

Seeing my frightened look, the doctor motions Kanda over and I take his hand. Immediately I calm down a little. Linali only sends me a sad look. The man clears his throat and continues.

"How far along are you now?"

"About seven months and a bit, if I counted correctly."

"Have there been any complications so far?"

As I don't really know how to answer I stay quiet until Kanda speaks up, "He didn't eat enough in the first months and there was an incident at around five months, but the doctor in England said no damage was done."

"So this is more of a routine check-up?"

"Yes, basically," I say hurriedly before Kanda can answer.

"Okay, then please lay down and pull your shirt up," the doctor says softly and pulls the same machine over River did back then. An ultrasound.

I do as told, exposing my bulging stomach. I wince again at the cold gel that is smeared on it, but Kanda's hand in mine keeps me from moving. Like River, Dr. Hakeshi moves the strange stick around for some time, searching, until he stops.

"There it is. Yes, I think everything is fine here. No problems as far as I can see, regarding how far along you are."

Linali nearly squeals when the small figure becomes visible on the screen and she looks at it awe-filled. Maybe an own child would actually do her good, then she would see that this is not only fun. Not at all. On the other hand, Komui would most likely go on a killing spree. Perhaps not so good. My hand squeezes Kanda's again, like the lifeline it has become for me in the past days. Softly I turn my head to him and whisper.

"It has grown so much, Kanda. This is incredible."

"That was two months ago," he raises an eyebrow, "Of course it has grown."

"Do you want to know the gender?" the doctor suddenly asks.

"You can tell that?" I ask surprised, which is rewarded with a small laugh from the man.

"Yes, starting from about the sixth month, you can tell the baby's gender during an ultrasound. So do you?"

I look at Kanda, but he only shrugs, though with a purposely blank expression, "Why do you look at me? It is your baby not mine."

"Yes, I would like to know." So I answer, happily ignoring that I decided to give the child away as soon as it is born and should definitively not become too attached.

"Let me see," the doctor smiles and moves the stick again, "It is a boy."

I smile brightly and the hormones cause tears to shoot in my eyes. The man puts the stick away again and cleans it. Then he hands me a paper towel to clean my swollen abdomen. I let go of Kanda, who returns to his spot at the wall and I wipe the gel off my skin. The doctor then motions me to sit up and I do so, one hand on my bulge, and pull my shirt down. Wanting to leave this room as fast as possible I look at the man expectantly.

"Have you thought about the birth?" he asks to my surprise.

"Uh, not really," I steady myself after nearly falling off the table in shock and answer unsurely, "I will do it naturally, I guess?"

"Good, that means…"

But he is interrupted by an interested Linali, "Sorry, not to be inappropriate, but if you don't mind me asking. How does that work? I mean, Allen is a boy and has no way for the baby to leave the natural way, right?"

I blush furiously at that. Why didn't I think of that? That should have been one of my main concerns, shouldn't it? But I did never give it much thought. Kanda though only rolls his eyes and I get the growing suspicion that he actually read up on mamorunin, more than Linali and I did anyway.

"It is fine," the man smiles good-naturally, "The male body adopts. That means about some time before the delivery, his body will form a birth canal. No one knows how this works precisely."

I breathe in relief. Though I bet it will be a very weird feeling to have another exit in that area. That earns another smile from the doctor.

"Can we go then?" I ask hopefully.

"If there are no more questions, I guess you can," he answers and after none of us says anything he nods, "Then goodbye, Mr. Walker. And take good care of yourself in the last months."

"I will," I nod and then grab Kanda's arm, hurrying out of the office.

Outside I see a female nurse standing in the doorway of the waiting room asking for a Mr. Rafenoko. When I pass it, green eyes sparkle mischievously at me again. I nearly stumble when I recognize the patient as the raven from earlier. He grins at me then follows his blond lover into one of the small offices. I stare at his green-clad back for a minute, then shake my head and hurry to catch up with Kanda.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Allen is acting like a jealous boyfriend ^^**

 **Also if someone figures out which (fan)pairing I used for that second mamorunin couple, you get an additional chapter. I was watching AMVs for that pairing when I wrote this chapter that's why the characters look like that.**

 **See you next time and please review.**


	24. Important talks

**Hello everyone,**

 **some days late now the next chapter.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **To Unknown: Thanks for the long review. But while I agree with you that Allen is too young and that it might be the wrong decision to keep the child, I think that it would be a worse trauma for him if he had to give the baby away. I am sorry if you don't like how the story might go on.**

 **To Ryuakilover: It's not exactly like that. Like the doctor said Allen will develop a birth canal just for that which will disappear after the birth. I did it like that in my other story 'Come back to me' as well.**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, the baby is mine but the other two aren't.**

* * *

We pass the rest of our time in Japan happily with our friends. Spending time with the others and reminiscing about earlier times. Lavi leaves one day before we have to and says goodbye in his usual overdramatic attitude and with the long overdue 'Yuu' for Kanda.

And then it is time for Kanda and me to return to England as well. My belly has even grown since we arrived. And I am not happy with it! If this goes on like that, I will be a walking bulge at nine months. Right now we are standing in the front garden, saying goodbye to Linali with Komui sobbing in the background. After giving Kanda a short hug, the girl embraces me.

"I will miss you, Allen. Take good care of yourself and the little one. Call me when he is born, okay? I want a picture of him. And both of you, look after each other."

"We will, don't worry. And we will miss you too. But Kanda can keep contact."

"So can you, idiot," she grumbles and hits me softly on the head, "Don't you dare disappear again after the birth. Is that clear?"

"Yes, clear," I rub my head sheepishly.

"Good," she smiles sadly at both of us, "Goodbye then, Allen, Kanda."

"Goodbye, Linali," I say, attempting a smile while she lets me go and I walk over to Kanda.

He nods to her and puts an arm around my shoulders. She nods back. Then he turns away and leads me to the waiting taxi. He helps me in and after another look to Linali follows me. He tells the driver to bring us to the airport while I watch Komui hugging Linali, who smiles a very sad smile. I wave at her through the back window. When she disappears from my view I let my head fall onto Kanda's shoulder and cry. Overreacting again due to hormones. The raven though doesn't complain, just puts an arm around me and rubs my back. In a very distant part of my brain I nearly feel sorry for all he has to put with because of me.

The flight is not much better than the last time and I shy away from the stares I get back in England. Because of that I urge Kanda to get home as fast as we can. After we have our luggage back he supports me in walking out to his car. I lean my head against the passenger window and breathe in the familiar scent. I don't remember the drive and Kanda has to basically wake me up when we arrive at his flat. He brings me up and I fall into sleep as soon as I get into bed.

* * *

The first night is peaceful, but in the second I have problems to sleep through again. So I do the same thing I did back in Japan and pad over to Kanda's room. He only sighs and moves to one side of his queen sized bed. We had been sleeping in the same bed basically the whole two weeks we stayed in Japan. And I doubt that habit will change anytime soon, at least not before the birth.

* * *

The time is passing slowly and my pregnancy is progressing into the final month. Linali is keeping contact, constantly asking about the baby's health. Kanda is taking care of me as good as he can while still working. I found out he has a job as a graphic designer.

Apart from sleeping in the same bed, what we will eat and my health, we don't talk much. Mostly if we are in the same room, we just sit silently. I am reading or daydreaming, he is working or researching something. One day, about three weeks from the birth, he suddenly speaks up to me. I am sitting in the living room, a blanket over my lap, much like the drawing I saw in Kanda's room back then, as the door opens and to my surprise Kanda strides in.

"Oi, moyashi."

I look up to him as he crosses the room towards me until he sits down on the sofa next to me, "What is it, Kanda?"

"Well, the girl and I talked," he seems a bit uncomfortable, "It is about you."

"About me?" I cock my head to the side.

"Yeah, she is afraid that you will bloody disappear again directly after the birth of your child."

"Well, I would prefer not to, but regarding I have nowhere stay, I will have no other option but to go back on the streets. Of course you can visit me there, but – "

"No!" he interrupts me a bit too harshly, then composes himself again, "I mean, you don't bloody need to. That was exactly what we were talking about. You don't have to fucking go back out. I mean, I have enough space here and…"

He scratches the back of his head. I grin, "Start again from the beginning."

"Che. She suggested, that you stay here with me until you got a job that pays you enough, so you can buy your own home and bloody sustain yourself."

I smile brightly, "Are you serious?"

"Yes, she would never let you go back on the streets. She would rather buy you a stupid flat herself if needed."

"And what about you?" I ask a bit nervous, "Are you fine with that?"

"I agree, that we can't fucking let you go back to living on the streets," he says looking the other direction.

A pang of sadness goes through me, but I push it away, instead continue to bore and lay a hand on his shoulder, "And what about me staying here? You could afford a small apartment too."

He grumbles something incoherent and avoids my eyes, "I want you to stay here too," he mumbles.

I smile as brightly as I can, "Thank you so much Kanda. I swear one day I will pay you back for all you have done, in whatever manner you wish."

"You have already done enough with dragging me out of my stupid self-harming," he shakes his head, "We thought when the school year starts again in September you could start taking courses to get a graduation, regarding you disappeared in the middle of school and never bloody got one. Once you have finished that, you can start working and get yourself your own apartment."

I look at him, but his face is unreadable. Thinking about his actions while we were in Japan I decide to take a bold step. I take a deep breath to gather courage.

"And what if I don't want my own apartment?"

Anxiously I wait for his answer, not looking at him once. My hands are laying on my (by now) huge bulge, clenching in the material of the shirt I am wearing over it. Until suddenly I feel a hand running through my hair with a softness I wouldn't have expected from it's owner.

"Then you are welcomed to stay," he says quietly, "However I could not think of a single bloody reason why you would want that."

My eyes turn to his out of instinct. And what I see there astonishes me. He is open and the dark orbs are filled with emotion. Too much again to define them all, but I can see that there is so much care. Not only for the baby, but for myself as well.

"Maybe because I want to stay with you," I answer carefully, turning my body in his direction.

His hand wanders from my hair to my cheek. I follow his movement and lean towards him as good as my bulging stomach allows. Kanda comes towards me until our noses are nearly touching. His hand on my cheek tenses and I know that I have to take the last step first. And so I do and close the last distance and press my lips onto his. For a moment he tenses and stills but then he reacts. And kisses me back. I am doing a happy dance inside my mind. Yuu Kanda is kissing me! My long-time crush is kissing me! My hands come to rest on his shoulders and his second one wanders to my back. When we separate I lean my forehead against his.

"I love you," I smile to him, but to my shock feel him tense up.

"Moyashi," his voice seems tight, "I will do my best to love you too. But you know that my last relationship didn't exactly end in the best way, so I don't know how well I will be able to show it."

Wincing I remember Alma and what happened to him, but I only lift my hand and stroke his cheek, "It doesn't matter. It is more than I would have ever thought I would get. I thought you hated me."

"I have never hated you. I think I liked you back then already, before you bloody disappeared. That hurt quite a fucking lot back then."

"Yeah, sorry," I chuckle, but then wince again when a particular hard kick hits my ribs.

"Are you okay?" Kanda asks concerned.

"Yes," I smile at him, "The baby just kicked a bit hard."

He lays a hand on my swollen abdomen and pulls me into his arms, "About your baby…"

"What is it?" I ask, nervous about what he is going to say.

"You said you wanted to give it up for adoption once it is born," I wince at him reminding me of that, but he continues, "But I know you well enough that it will be incredibly hard for you, maybe even impossible to do that. With your stupid big heart."

"I know," I mumble and cuddle into his arms, "But why do you say that?"

"I thought that maybe you could keep it…"

"What?" my head shoots up, hope shining in my eyes. He turns his gaze away awkwardly.

"Che. I mean, you are not going to bloody go back on the streets. That was your main argument if I remember correctly. I am pretty sure we can build a stupid nursery in here. And I think you will be able to learn for school and look after him at the same time."

"You would allow me to keep him?" I ask incredulously, tears shooting into my eyes and for once it's not the hormones' fault.

"I have spent so bloody much time looking after you two to keep him alive and well, that it would really be a shame if someone else would bloody get him now," he smirks softly.

"But he is not even your son!" I say uncomfortably.

"And? It doesn't fucking matter to me. You are my partner, he is your son and I was the one who looked after you during the whole freaking pregnancy."

I can only stare at him. Where is that jerk I knew from my childhood and first took me in? Who would snap at me if I only so much as asked him something. All I can do is throw myself in his arms and cry.

"If you want that is," he finishes.

"I would love to," I sob, "There is nothing I want more than that. To stay with you and keep my child. Even if he was forced on me, I love him and I don't want to lose him. And I love you. I don't want to be apart from any of you. Thank you so much Kanda. Thank you so much."

He strokes my back while I am crying into his shoulder for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time. To finally stop me he pushes me a bit back and presses his lips on mine. My eyes slide close and I melt into the kiss. His tongue runs along my bottom lip and I allow entrance. I moan softly but the need for oxygen forces us apart again.

"I think you can repay me that way," he says softly, "Stay by my side and be there every time I need saving. And maybe one day you can give me my own child."

"Yes, yes," I lay my forehead against his, happy tears still running down my cheeks, "I would love that."

We stay like that, cuddled up on the sofa for some time until I fall asleep on his shoulder and he carries me back to bed, only waking me for dinner. In the night I snuggle into his arms with a much different feeling. I am so happy. Kanda returns my feelings and we are (sort of) a couple. I can keep my child which I grew to love over the eight months I was carrying him. When he will be born he will not be given away to some people who have no connection to him, but two parents who will love him. And maybe I will be able to give him (half)siblings one day. To finally carry a child of love. Even though pregnancy is not all that fun, I can't help but look forward to it. I fall asleep more peaceful than I have for years.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Now finally some Yullen actions. Hope you liked it.**

 **Please review and see you next time.**


	25. Problems arise

**Hello everyone,**

 **late again, I know. But I think I will settle back to 1 chapter per week, because university started again, sorry.**

 **Glad you liked the last chapter. Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: No changes here, like always.**

* * *

Nonetheless my nervousness just grows the closer I get to the birth. Until one Sunday I discover something strange while taking a shower. I am washing myself, not being able to keep my thoughts off the fact that my baby can come any day according to my calculations. Kanda took leave from his work. I call it maternity leave but he says he is officially just on sick leave. But still I am incredibly glad to have him here with me all the time. He is still working from home anyway, so his employer can't complain that he is missing so soon after taking two weeks of vacation to go to Japan.

But suddenly I encounter something strange on my body. I freeze and without thinking I run out of the shower, just managing to grab a towel in the process. Storming into the living room, I cause Kanda to jump nearly three feet high.

"Kanda! Kanda! Look here!" I yell panicking.

"What it is?" he hurriedly stands up from the sofa, "Is it time?"

"What? No, no. I just… I-I have a new entrance," I sniffle, hormones coming through again.

It takes him a moment to understand then he relaxes and walks over to me, ignoring my naked state and draws me into an embrace, "That is completely normal. Remember the doctor in Japan said that you will form a birth canal sometime before the birth. That only means you are close. Calm down."

"But, but…" I sniffle into his shoulder.

"It does not matter to me. You are you and all that changes is the fact that we have to pay attention now, because you can go in labour any time, okay?" He pulls my head up to look me in the eyes.

"Okay," I mumble.

"Good and now off you go. Finish showering or get yourself some clothes. We can't have you catch a cold, can we?"

"No," I beam at him and after a short peck on his mouth I hurry back to the bathroom.

But in the end all this incident managed to do was to increase my nervousness about the impending birth. Yes, we have everything prepared. There is a nursery set up in my room, I am not sleeping there anyway. Kanda forced me to read up on how the birth works. We have talked to River and he put me onto the list of the hospital he is working in, so I can simply go there when I have to give birth. Still I am pretty afraid that something might happen to my child. As if to assure me, he sends a series of kicks against my stomach wall.

* * *

Two peaceful days pass. On the third it changes. Early in the morning Kanda gets an urgent call from his work. I am sleeping when his phone rings. Groaning I burry my face in the pillow.

"Kanda!" I whine, "Turn it off!"

He grumbles and moves, searching for the device. When he finally grabs it, he curses.

"It's the work. I have to answer that. You sleep on, moyashi."

"Kanda," he puts the receiver at his ear.

"What? But I can't."

"Yes, but I called in sick leave."

"I understand the situation, but I can't come."

"No, I am okay. But – "

"Would you listen? I have a highly pregnant partner at home."

"What does that mean, you don't care? I can't just leave him alone."

"But you can't just – "

I hear him grit his teeth, "No, I don't want to be fired."

"Yes, but I am allowed to leave immediately if needed."

"Yes, in an hour."

He angrily snaps the device shut and throws it on the nightstand.

"Fucking idiots!" he curses, "Shit! There couldn't be any worse fucking timing."

Tiredly I force my eyes open. I did only halfway listen to his call but I didn't like what I heard. Looking at him I see his angry face, one hand is running through his long strands.

"Kanda? What is it?"

He sighs and leans down to press a kiss to my forehead, "I'm really sorry, moyashi, but I have to go. These jerks at the work forced me to come because of an 'emergency'. Apparently they got a big request which has to be finished in three days but they have only about half of the normal staff available and this isn't enough. So they are pulling who they can."

"You have to leave? But you can't. The baby can come any day now," I look at him desperately.

"I know," he strokes my hair, "But I can't do anything. I need this job. My savings will only last so long and they threatened to fire me."

"When will you be back?" my eyes are shining with tears.

"In the evening," he softly kisses me on the lips, "If anything happens call me, alright?"

I nod and throw myself around his neck. He strokes my back and murmurs calming words to me.

"You will manage today alone. There is enough food in the kitchen. I will tidy up when I come home. Take it easy and sleep as much as you can. And if you feel anything, no matter how small, just call me, I have my mobile with me."

"Okay," I mumble and give him a last passionate kiss, one hand supporting my bulge.

"And now go back to sleep," he says, shortly laying one hand over mine, "I will be back as soon as I can."

With that he leaves the bed and later the apartment. I fall back into the cushions, burying my face again. I suddenly feel so alone and helpless. If the baby comes now, I can't even get out of the flat on my own. Softly I stroke my belly.

"Please little one, wait just a bit longer. Don't come until Kanda is back. I can't do it on my own."

Luckily I fall back asleep soon, but with an uneasy feeling which I am sure comes from the fact that Kanda is not laying next to me.

Fortunately the day is calm and all I get are the usual backaches and swollen ankles. Only now do I realise how much Kanda actually did for me each day during my last month.

When he returns after seven o'clock in the evening he looks tired. Nonetheless he greets me with a kiss on the mouth and puts the dishes I used in the washer. Before going to bed, he gives me a massage and lays down next to me.

"Do you have to go tomorrow as well?" I ask, already drowsy, shortly before falling asleep.

He strokes my back, "Yes, I'm sorry. Tomorrow and the day after that. But when it is over I have two weeks just for you, I promise."

I nod and simply cuddle deeper into his warmth, happy to have him back and deciding to ignore the rest for now.

* * *

The next day I don't even wake up when he leaves the bed. Breakfast is ready when I walk into the kitchen, yawning and rubbing my aching back. I smile softly and set to eating. This time I put the dishes away myself. I go back to bed after breakfast, dozing or reading while relaxing my back. Lunch I have to make myself.

I have just finished eating when I feel it the first time. A twinge of pain shoots up my spine from the region of my lower back. Uncomfortably I rub the place.

"That hurt quite a bit, little mister. It would be nice to refrain from that," I mumble to my child.

But I simply ignore it and go on to bring my plate back into the kitchen. When my back keeps on hurting the whole afternoon through I decide to take a shower, in hopes that the warm water will relax me. It does, to some extent. But as soon as I'm out of it the pain returns. I groan, great! Sometimes I really wish the whole pregnancy would just be over. But because my thoughts are too focused on Kanda and the fact that he is not here with me, I don't dwell all that long on the pains, putting them off as backaches and the baby kicking.

The evening I am tired and lay in bed when I hear the front door open and Kanda come home at about eight o'clock in the evening. He walks straight into the bedroom and I groggily heave myself into a sitting position. He looks even more tired than yesterday, but smiles softly when he sees me. Pulling off his jacket, he sits himself on the bed next to me and gives me a kiss on the lips.

"Hey, moyashi. Sorry, I am so late. Are you okay?"

I supress a wince due to another pain shooting through me. They have become slightly worse since the afternoon. Nonetheless I force a smile on my face.

"I'm fine. But I missed you. And my back is bothering me."

"Want a massage?" he asks.

"If you won't fall asleep in the middle of it," I tease him, "You look ready to."

He rolls his eyes, "Turn around, baka moyashi."

His hands feel good on my skin and for the first time today, my muscles relax completely. I sigh in contentment and lean against him. Soon I am dozing again and Kanda lays me down on the mattress while he goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed as well. I only groan when another pain shoots through me. Kanda comes back, slides into the bed next to me and pulls me to his body.

"Night moyashi."

"Goodnight," I murmur back, but somehow I don't feel the calm I usually feel when I go to sleep in his arms.

But he doesn't seem to notice because it doesn't take long, especially for him, until I hear slow and regular breathing. He's dead asleep. But I can't seem to follow him. I still feel the strange pains and can't find any position which is comfortable. I keep on moving, turning every few minutes, which earns me quite some displeased groans from Kanda. He lets me go to give me the room to get comfortable, but I still can't keep laying in one position. After about an hour he finally grabs my wrist, his half-open eyes shining in the darkness.

"Moyashi, can you keep still for goodness' sake? I have another long working day tomorrow and I would very much like to sleep," he grumbles.

"Sorry," I lower my head.

He only mumbles something and turns the other direction. I watch him for a moment before the next pain forces me to groan. They are not getting better. Probably even worse. I sigh in exasperation and lay on my side, trying to fight the urge to keep moving.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **I guess you all know what is happening.**

 **See you next chapter and please review.**


	26. It's time

**Hello everyone,**

 **here we go. The second to last chapter before the epilogue.**

 **I am planning on writing an extra chapter about the Noahs. Like that they see Allen on a later trip to Japan and what happens to him and his family after that. It's not fully planned out yet... Might also become longer, but there have to be enough people who want it. 5 reviews at least ^^'**

 **Thank you for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: I am waiting for any new chapters just as much as you are. By the way does anyone know when the next one (224) is coming out?**

* * *

But somehow I seem to manage to slip into sleep. Because the next I know is shooting up in the middle of the night as a searing pain, very different from all the others before shoots through me. I muffle a surprised scream. When it ebbs away I am left sitting there in the bed, panting and sweating. Kanda is still sleeping next to me, or at least pretending to be asleep. I am not sure. Anyway he must be really beat to not jump up next to me at that. Rubbing my belly I try to calm my breathing down. Only to roll myself together when another hot pain shoots through me.

And suddenly I realise what's happening. Shit! This are contractions. The baby is coming. Now. Hurriedly I try to focus and simply breathe through the pain. Does that mean that all the pains I had throughout the afternoon and night were already contractions as well? Damn it, how stupid have I been? Kanda told me to call if I feel anything at all. Idiotic Allen! But now is not the time for that. We have to go to the hospital immediately unless I want to give birth in Kanda's apartment. Urgently I lean over to the raven and shake his shoulder.

"Kanda! Kanda, wake up. Please," my voice is shaking.

He turns to me, eyes half-open, "What is it, moyashi?"

But he sits up when he sees my pained and frightened face. I can still see the exhaustion in his, but we have more important matters right now. So I only hide in his arms and grip his shirt hard.

"It's time, Kanda. I am so afraid," I whimper.

"Time? What – " his sleep-muddled brain takes a minute to progress what I said, then his eyes widen, "The baby is coming? You are having contractions."

I can only nod and groan when another approaches. I feel his grip on me tighten. He carefully picks me up and stands from the bed.

"Shit, moyashi. How long have you been feeling them?"

"I don't know for sure. Some time. But I thought they were nothing but backaches," I shake my head into his shoulder.

He groans but doesn't comment. Instead he puts me down on my feet and hands me some clothes, while hurriedly grabbing a shirt and trousers for himself. A look to the clock tells him that it is after half past one in the morning. He takes my face in his hands and looks in my eyes.

"Calm down. Everything will be fine, I promise. Put those on. I will get your bag and the car. Wait up here for me, okay? We only need ten minutes to the hospital."

All I can do is nod and be thankful that he isn't panicking as well. Thank god for his stoic character in this moment. I see him hastily throwing on the shirt, covering his scars, and pulling on the trousers and socks. Then he gives me a short kiss as reassurance and leaves the room. A fright fills me and I cry out at the next contraction, pressing both hands to my hard bulge. But after that passes I remember Kanda's words and change as fast as I can from sleeping clothes to the ones he handed me. I hear him leave the apartment and slowly step out into the hallway.

It doesn't take long until he comes back through the door. I am still leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom to keep on standing up. He walks over to me and holds out a hand, which I gladly take. Carefully leading me over to the door, he only stops when I cry out softly when the next contraction runs through me. I breathe hard, while I cling to Kanda. This time I feel something snap inside of me and immediately afterwards I feel liquid soaking my trousers. My eyes widen in fright and meet Kanda's.

"Moyashi?" he says warningly.

"Sorry," I grind out, "I guess my water just broke."

He only groans and hoists me up, to carry me down the stairs, "It doesn't matter. We can't change it anymore. It only means we have to hurry all the more on the way to the hospital."

All I do is cower in his arms, softly shaking while he murmurs soothing words. I hardly notice how he places me on the passenger seat of his car and tucks the belt around me. I scream at the next pain without the strengthening feeling of contact with Kanda. He hurries to the other side of the car and rips the door open. After getting in and a last comforting rub of my back, he starts the engine and heads off towards the hospital.

He drives like the devil and later I am only glad that we don't encounter any police on the way. He stops close to the emergency entrance at the back of the building. I scream as the next contraction, sooner than the rest, rips through me. Kanda hurriedly exits the car and lifts me out of it. I pant and grip his shirt, trying to stop my tears. It just hurts so much.

"It will be okay, moyashi. But you should have told me earlier. The contractions are way too close for my liking right now," he murmurs in my ear and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

I can only offer a pained smile and cuddle deeper into his chest. He leaves the car after locking it and hurriedly walks over to the reception desk. The nurse behind it stands up immediately.

"He's in labour. His name is Allen Walker. Dr. River knows who he is," Kanda hastily informs her.

She nods and asks for River and some nurse to come into the room Nr.5047 over the intercom. Then she turns to Kanda.

"Take him to the room. Down this corridor to the left, second right and then the fourth door on the left. You should hurry. Dr. River and nurse Seman should be there shortly. Change him into a hospital gown if he allows it. Do you need a wheelchair?"

"No, I can carry him," he says and immediately turns when I scream again.

His steps are fast and I think to detect a small nervousness in them as well. Arriving at the room, he checks the number and pushes the door open. Inside is one of those classic operation tables and two chairs. As carefully as he can, Kanda sets me down on the hard surface. He wants to let go, but I cling onto him.

"Please don't go away from me now. Please, I need your help," I nearly sob.

"I won't, moyashi," he murmurs in my ear, "But you need to change, remember? I am getting the gown. I will be back in a second."

I nod, but scream again. He cringes for a moment and gives me a kiss on the head, then walks over to the other side of the room to grab one of those awful hospital gowns. I twitch when he grabs at my shirt.

"Calm down. I have already seen you naked. Plus this has different reasons," he says and rubs my back soothingly.

I force myself to relax to the best of my abilities and allow Kanda to pull my shirt off and the hospital gown over my head. He takes my socks and pants off. Nonetheless I stiffen again when he reaches for my underwear. Rubbing my knee, he assures me that it will be fine. But before he can proceed I feel the next contraction approach and cry out. He embraces me and sends me a very worried look.

"That was fucking less than five minutes. Moyashi, really how bloody long did you have these pains before you told me?" he grumbles.

I can only groan and hide my face in his shirt, "Long… I am sorry. I think the first cramps started around two o'clock in the afternoon."

He pulls me closer for a moment and I can feel his worry in his tense muscles, "God moyashi. You could have just called me. If we ever have another child, don't do that again, is that clear?"

I nod and let some tears fall into the black material. Then he lets me go again and goes to the end of the table. He looks up at me questioningly and I nod, so he pulls my last article of clothing off. I see his eyes widen a fraction and he stiffens.

"I am no doctor, moyashi. But from what I can tell you are already pretty wide open," the concern is obvious in his eyes.

"Can you stop scolding me and come here?" I ask weakly.

"Sure," he says and sits himself on the chair at my head. I grip his hand and squeeze it hard when the next contraction rolls over me. Right when I am finished the door opens and River hurriedly steps through.

"Mr. Walker, so it is time. I wondered when I would see you two the next time. And Kanda, do you want to revise your statement about your relationship with the young boy?" He smiles softly at our joined hands.

"Stop joking and do something," I growl, panting.

"Ah yes. Give me a moment," he walks to the end of the bed and carefully spreads my legs.

I don't even have the strength to protest and simply let him check me. I see how his brow furrows and he casts both of us a critical look.

"You are already nearly eight centimetres dilated. That usually needs hours of labour. How long ago did your cramps start? You should have come to the hospital way earlier. Kanda you really should have paid more attention."

"It's my fault. He couldn't be home throughout the day and I didn't take the cramps as contractions," I ground out through the pain.

River still looks displeased but nods, "Kanda, I need you to help Allen to the maternity ward as fast as possible. Carry him if needed. Go down this corridor further and through the big glass doors. The birthing rooms are on the right side, the fifth should be free. Put him on the bed there and keep him in this position. I will send you nurse Seman and a midwife soon. Allen, you will make it through. Everything will be fine. Just focus on giving birth for now."

I nod and scream at the next contractions. Even I have counted this time, two and a half minutes. Fuck, I am really getting close. Kanda bends down and lifts me up. Instinctively I want to wriggle free and spread my legs, but he keeps them closed.

"You can lay down soon, moyashi. Just relax for now. I will hurry."

"Thanks for everything, Kanda. I – " I start while clutching his shirt.

"Don't say anything. You will both be fine. The pain will be over soon. And I will stay with you the whole time if you want," he calms me, giving me a short kiss on the head.

Meanwhile we have arrived at the room. Kanda unceremoniously kicks the door open and closed behind us. He lays me down on the bed. This is soft enough to be comfortable but not so much that I would sink in. He props me against the back, so I am half-sitting. Moving down, he carefully grips my ankles and spreads my legs as wide as I allow him.

"Stay like that," he orders me softly and returns to my head, taking my hand in his.

I scream again, especially when I feel the baby's weight shift further down in my stomach, "Aaah. Something is changing. Kanda, do something."

"I can't, moyashi. You are the one who bloody has to do this. But you are going to fucking manage just fine," he whispers but I can hear how tense and worried he is.

I cuddle my face into his shoulder, "I am so scared, Kanda. What if something goes wrong? What if something happens to the baby? Or me? I don't want to lose any of you. Please, do something to help me."

He embraces me tightly and presses his lips to the top of my head, "Everything will be alright, Allen. Nothing is going to fucking happen. Both of you are going to be fine and tomorrow we are going to leave the hospital with a healthy baby boy. I believe in you. You can do this. Just bloody focus on bringing him into the world now. I will stay with you the whole time."

I only cry into his shoulder as more pains wreck my body. Then the door opens and a man and a woman enter. The elderly woman has a soft face and a long braid of greying hair, her dark brown eyes are shining gently. The man is about River's age with a smiling face, dark eyes and short, blond hair. The woman is carrying a bowl full of water and some towels. The man steps next to me.

"Hello Mr. Walker. Can I call you Allen? My name is James Knight. I am a midwife for male carriers. I will help you today if that is okay with you," he says in a gentle voice.

I lift my head a bit from Kanda's chest, "Allen is fine. And please just get him out of me," I groan.

I scream at the next contraction. James hurriedly pulls me upright and spreads my legs again. Kanda follows my movements and comes to sit next to me on the bed, still keeping his arms around me and my hand in his. The woman, who I guess is nurse Seman, puts the items that might be needed down on a small table across from my bed. Meanwhile James inspects me. If I could think straight I would find it humiliating. But like that I just keep still until he looks up and at the same time another contraction grips me.

"Okay, this was only about one minute between the contractions. You are also nearly fully dilated. That means you can start pushing soon. Mr. Kanda, right? The best would be if you could sit on the bed behind him and support him from there, so he has something to lean against. Or do you want him to leave, Allen?"

"No, please, I need him," I sob, clutching Kanda's hand as he moves to do as told.

I breathe in relief when I feel Kanda's chest against my back, his warmth and scent giving me strength and security. He believes in me and is here with me. We will get through this and after that we are going to be a complete family. I just have to pull through this. James and nurse Seman pull my legs apart and I scream at the new pain gripping my abdomen. I can feel how my child has settled at the bottom of my stomach. It looks kind of weird, but I don't notice. Kanda's free hand is rubbing circles on my back and I try my best to focus on his touches instead of the pain.

Suddenly the pain changes and I feel the need to get the child out. To push him out. I scream, clutching Kanda's hand until he winces.

"I need to push," I yell.

"No, wait a bit longer," James says, "If you start now, you will tear yourself. Just breathe through the pains for now."

"It fucking hurts, you idiot!" I shout at the 'midwife', "Fucking let me push."

"Just a bit longer," he says soothingly.

But I only scream. Kanda pulls me against him. He rubs sweat from my forehead and murmurs to me. I try to breathe in deeply and press into his warmth. Tears are running down my cheeks, but I don't care. It hurts so much. Five pains later finally the relieving (I hope) call from James.

"Okay, it's time, Allen. On the next contraction I need you to push, understood? Your little one is finally ready to make his entrance into this world," he looks at me sternly and settles between my legs.

"You can bloody do that, moyashi. Just focus," Kanda murmurs into my ear.

"I know that, you jerk!" I yell and with a loud scream bear down for the first time.

When the contraction is over I am breathing heavily but can't feel anything different.

"That was good, Allen. Just keep going like that. It might take a while. The first child is always difficult, especially for male carriers," James tells me.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Second half of the birth next time. Then the epilogue and after that the extra chapter if I get enough votes for it.**

 **Please review and see you at the next chapter.**


	27. He's finally here

**Hello everyone,**

 **thank you so much for all your reviews. ^^ I am really happy you enjoy my story.**

 **Second part of the birth today. We are nearing the end.**

 **Disclaimer: Sigh, I don't own them and am therefore not responsible for the constant Hiatus.**

* * *

What follows is the most painful hour I have ever experienced. After some time it simply feels as if every contraction is trying to rip me in half. I can feel no progress, but James keeps on telling me that I am doing good. Kanda is a great support, but I sure as hell am not appreciating it. I am cursing, yelling and insulting him. I even threaten him that I would never let him touch me if he even so much as mentions having another child. Luckily he isn't as easily insulted anymore or he would have left long ago. I am beyond thankful for that, because I am sure I would not be able to do this alone. Then finally the first progress.

"I can see the head, Allen. You are getting there, but now comes the most difficult part. Mr. Kanda, try to make him as comfortable as in this situation possible," James announces.

Despite the pain I can't stop the (very) small smile coming to my face. There it is, my child, finally coming into the world. Kanda shifts and helps me to lay down a bit more, supporting my lower back. The two medics are still holding my legs in place, which are trembling with the effort by now.

It goes agonizingly slow from that on. About ten minutes later James announces that I am crowning. And on the next contractions another pain adds to my aching body. It feels like something is try to tear me up from down there.

"Aaaah, shit! What the fuck is that? That hurts even bloody more!" I yell, throwing my head back and accidently hitting Kanda in the face with it.

"That is the baby's head," James calmly explains, "It stretches your birth canal to fit. Because you are male your hipbone is not as wide as a woman's whose are designed to give birth. That is what hurts you now."

"Fuck! Aaaah! Finally get fucking out of me!"

"Apparently you learned something from me and if it is only swearing," Kanda comments, massaging my lower back.

"Shut the hell up, BaKand-aaaah!"

But the annoyance at his smirking gives me the strength to give a great push I didn't think myself capable at this point of time. And apparently James is pleased with it.

"That was great. Another one of those and the head is completely out. Just breathe for now. Good, and now push!"

I scream, in my opinion loud enough to alert the whole hospital, but what I don't know is that the birthing rooms are soundproof. Kanda mumbles in Japanese in my ear, his deep voice soothing me through the veil of all my pain.

Two pushes later James says the head is out, but my strength has run out as well. My whole body aches and I am shaking. So when the man tells me to push the next time I only weakly shake my head.

"No, please no more. I can't do it anymore. It just hurts too much."

James and the nurse exchange a nervous look but I can count on Kanda. Sitting behind me he gives me a very soft clap on the back of my head.

"Baka moyashi. There is no fucking way you can give up now. Your child is minutes from entering the world, you can't fucking abandon it now. He bloody needs you. I need you. Remember when I was giving up? You didn't. You forced me to take the sword up again. And you really can't fucking give up now. I know you have the strength even if you don't show it, so fucking do it."

I smile weakly, trust Kanda to try to insult you even when he is actually trying to encourage you. But it helps me more than one of Linali's heartfelt talks.

"I am not a moyashi-iiiii!" I yell and push hard for another time.

Again I feel something slipping through the exit between my legs. My head falls against my chest when the pain ebbs away and I'm breathing hard. But Kanda is telling me I did great, making me smile despite my tears.

"That was great. The shoulders are out. I need one last push then your baby will be here. The rest is easy. You can do it, Allen," James says.

Taking a shuddering breath when I feel the next pain approaching, I throw myself against Kanda, my head landing on his shoulder and my eyes meeting his. The dark orbs shine with pride, encouragement and care. I scream one last time and finally, finally the small form leaves my body. I crumble into Kanda's arms who strokes my sweat-soaked hair.

"You did great, Allen," he mumbles in my ear, "I'm so proud of you. I love you."

I smile at his confession and the loud wail of my child which fills the room, "I love you too."

I watch as the nurse cuts the cord and takes my son to the water bowl. Suddenly I tense when another, lesser pain shoots through me.

"What is this?" I ask, frightened.

"Only the afterbirth. Everything is fine, Allen," James soothes, "Just give me a few more light pushes then it will be completely over and you can hold your son."

And it really is easy. The pain is little compared to the actual birth and five pushes are enough. Then a bloody, gooey mess leaves my body. I really don't want to look too close at that, instead just close my eyes and let my head fall on Kanda's shoulder, drained.

"It is over, moyashi. You pulled through," Kanda tells me, kissing my head.

"Didn't think I would?" I grin cheekily up at him.

"Never lost trust in you," he teases back.

James breaks us out of our moment when he steps next to me, a bundle of blankets in his arms, which is making small whimpering sounds.

"Here he is, a healthy boy. A bit on the small side, but absolutely fine."

I need Kanda as a support to sit up straight but my eyes shine when James holds the baby out to me. I slowly lift my heavy arms and stretch them out to him. He smiles and places the child in my hands. The boy stills when he touches my skin. He looks up at me and big silver eyes, so much like mine, shine curiously at me. He coos and flexes his face into something akin to a grin.

"He looks like you," Kanda says from over my shoulder.

I smile, it is true. I recognize myself when I look at his face. And I am happy that it is like that. I was afraid he might look too much like my attacker. I shudder at the memory of how I conceived him. I can't even properly remember the face of my attacker, but the hooded head is enough to make me feel scared. Kanda, feeling my mood, embraces me and pulls me against his chest. The only thing that is not me, is my son's hair. Different from my naturally white hair, his strands are dark, black I would say. But that could theoretically come from Kanda as well, so I am happy.

But after some moments of blissful ignorance, the pain in my whole body returns to me and I groan. My eyelids start to drop and I slump in Kanda's arms. He smiles softly and catches me. Carefully he pries the child from my arms and takes him in his.

"Go to sleep, moyashi. You deserve it. I will look after your little boy. You can name him later. We will both be here when you wake up. Goodnight, Allen."

Taking his advice I close my eyes completely and within the next blink I am out. The clock says 5:28 in the morning.

* * *

When I awake the next time, bright sunlight is shining through the windows. To my displeasure, I wake up again in a hospital room. Groaning at the pain in my abdomen when I try to sit up, I look around. A smile comes to my face when I see Kanda slumped down in the chair next to my bed. His eyes are closed, his arm has slid off from the armrest and his neck is bent in an awkward angle. I chuckle silently. That will gain him a sore neck when he wakes up. He must have really been tired. My smile stretches even more when I see the small crib next to the raven. I try to reach out for it, but my body is too sore to manage much. But my moving around wakes Kanda up. He shoots straight up, nearly startling me.

"What is it?" he mumbles and looks around confused for a moment, before his eyes settle on me and he calms down.

"Are you okay, moyashi?"

"My body aches, but I'm fine. Could you hand me my son perhaps?"

"Sure"

He stands up and carefully lifts the baby out of the crib. It coos softly and snuggles into his warmth. And to my surprise I see a real smile light up his hard face. I remember how Linali said that she hasn't seen him smile for very long. I am happy that I can be the cause of his first smile this time. Well, my baby, but I gave birth to him. Slowly Kanda walks over to me and I make space for him on the bed. He sits down and carefully places the bundle of blankets in my arms. I smile at the contented look that comes to the chubby face when I hold him.

"I guess he recognizes his mother," Kanda teases, but I can't be angry at him for that.

Instead I lean against his strong frame, "Come on, you love him too. And you love me."

"That I do," he says and leans down, kissing me.

"So have you thought about what to call him?" he asks me.

"Hm, first I wanted to call him Mana after my father, but to me it feels wrong regarding the manner I conceived. I don't know, I always liked the name Aiden."

"A nice name, plus it has the same first letter yours does."

"So you do remember my name?" I grin.

"Of course I do. I called you it more than one time last night, if you remember. But to me, you are my little moyashi," he smirks at me, causing me to pout at him.

"Shouldn't you be at work, Kanda? I thought your project was due today."

"They can deal the fuck without me. I sent them a text that my partner is in labour and I can't come."

"And they accepted?"

"Well, they weren't pleased," he simply shrugs, "But it's not like they can do anything in this case."

"I'm happy you are here," I smile at him.

He nuzzles my hair, but suddenly the baby in my arms starts to fuss. I hear soft whimpers. I tense immediately.

"What is wrong?" I ask nervously.

Kanda though only smirks and grabs a bottle with milk from the nightstand and hands it to me. I send him a pout but he only motions to my crying son. I carefully hold the bottle to his lips and he immediately latches onto it, suckling greedily. A warmth spreads through me and I smile brightly as I lean back into Kanda.

"I phoned Linali as well," he says, "She wants to visit as soon as she can to meet the little one."

"Thanks for everything Kanda. For staying with me even when I yelled insults at you last night."

He nods softly in acknowledgment and nuzzles my neck for a second, "It's now three in the afternoon. In about half an hour, River will come to check both of you over. If everything is fine we can go home."

"Together," I whisper.

"Yes, we two together with the little one," he smiles and kisses me deeply, I respond happily.

* * *

 **That's it for today. Thanks for reading.**

 **Epilogue next saturday.**

 **The extra chapters will come once I have written them. I don't know when yet, sorry. ^^'**

 **Please review and see you next time.**


	28. Epilogue: Happy times

**Hello everyone,**

 **sorry for being late. But like I said my laptop crashed and I only got him back this weekend from the repair.**

 **Anyway here we go with the last chapter. Our Epilogue. I don't know when the extra chapters will come out yet, because I have university and I started working so I don't have much time apart from the weekends.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.**

 **Disclaimer: Now I don't own them, so I am not resposible for DGMs constant Hiatus.**

* * *

Six years later

"Aiden! Come back here immediately!" I yell down the hallway of our house.

The small black haired six year old only giggles and runs in the opposite direction. I groan. That child is an energy ball on two legs. That can be incredibly annoying at times, sometimes endearing, but also annoying and right now I am not able to deal with that. To my rescue the front door opens and a tall figure steps through.

"Papa!" Aiden squeals and runs into the person's legs.

"Are you exhausting your daddy again?" Kanda says as he hoists the child up from the floor, making him giggle and then positions him on his hip.

His eyes lock with mine and he smiles. He does that more often these days than he did in all the years I knew him before Aiden together. He puts his bag away and walks over to me. Pulling me to his body, he greets me with a kiss on the lips to which I happily respond.

"Hey, moyashi. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am fine," I lay a hand on my bulging stomach, "We are both fine, thank you."

He lays his hand on mine, "That's good. Aiden has not been a too great bother?"

"A bit, like usual, you know," I grin.

"Well, he's your son. What do you expect?" he smirks back.

"It's your education," I tease back but he only smiles and pulls me closer when he feels our child kick against his hand.

This time it is our child. Kanda's child. A child of love, not like Aiden was. Which doesn't mean that any of us loves our little troublemaker any bit less. Kanda treats him as if he was his biological son and if nothing happens he will never know the circumstances of his conception. I am happier than I ever was. The dark times six years ago are something none of us will ever forget but now our life is peaceful.

After Aiden was born I went back to staying with Kanda. The first months were exhausting because he was an energetic child, waking up at the most unpleasant times. I had to take care of him most of the time because Kanda had to go to work each day without looking like a walking corpse. Linali visited us about a month after the birth and was ecstatic over him and our newfound relationship. I started courses as planned and was able to get a graduation after two years. One year I learned and am now working part-time in an elementary school. When the next school year starts I will begin to be a full-time teacher. Kanda still works in the same company he did back then, but he got a good raise. Plus I sold some of his drawings behind his back one day and now he paints when he has the time and gets money for it. Kanda has also never cut again after that year. I am able to check it every day after all. He is still doing kendo as well. About two years ago I forced him to go to an adult tournament. I have rarely seen him that nervous before a match like back then because of the bad memories he is still connecting with it. But he is getting better each year.

As for our private relationship. We live together since the pregnancy. About a month after I got my graduation, he asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes. Our wedding was a small ceremony half a year later. It took me a good year to completely overcome my rape when it came to sexual contact, but Kanda was patient, teaching me slowly that it can feel really good as well instead of my painful experience. After I was comfortable enough again it took good three more years before the subject of another child came up again. I am now around eight months pregnant with a little girl. But this time she is even genetically Kanda's child. I couldn't be happier. Four months ago he surprised me with the house he had bought. He said that the apartment was too small for a second child. Not that I disagreed. That's where we are now.

Apart from that, we have been travelling to Japan two times a year. Once for Alma's memorial and once to Mana's birthday. Well, we try to. My father's birthday was about a week ago, but Kanda forbade me to fly there. We didn't go either as long as Aiden was still too young. Tiedoll has also become better, but Kanda still doesn't keep contact with him. Lavi came back from his world journey about ten months after Aiden's birth and is now some kind of librarian. He has settled down with Linali here in London too. She is now writing articles for the 'London Times'. They married about two years ago. The day of the wedding Komui had to be restrained from killing Lavi. And don't get me started on the day they told him. Komui is still back in Japan, helping to get Tiedoll back on track. Lavi and Linali though have become regular visitors in our house.

And just as I am thinking that, the doorbell rings. Kanda groans, ruffles my hair and walks back to the door. Opening it he cringes when it reveals a grinning red head who immediately tries to hug him. But the raven sidesteps which causes Lavi to land on the floor.

"Yuu! I am just so happy to see you. Why are you being so mean?"

"I told you not to call me that, baka usagi," he growls angrily and puts his free hand on his hip, his other still holding Aiden who giggles into the crook of his neck.

I smile and walk slowly over to the two while Linali steps inside and helps her husband back up. I rest my head on Kanda's shoulder from behind and grin at him.

"But you allow me to call you 'Yuu' too, don't you?"

"Yes, but you are my moyashi, my husband. He is just a baka usagi who I unfortunately happen to be acquainted with," he answers me nonchalantly.

Aiden laughs and holds his arms out to me but I only shake my head, "Sorry, sweetie. But I can't hold you right now. Your sister is taking up that space," I explain, motioning to my huge belly.

He pouts and snuggles into Kanda's mane instead. Meanwhile Lavi and Linali are heading towards the living room. Kanda gives me a concerned look and puts his free hand on the small of my back.

"Something wrong, moyashi? The girl said they had something to tell us. And I am sure you want to sit down."

"Yes, please," I smile up at him.

"Good," he says and puts Aiden down on the ground, "Take the little troublemaker and go ahead. I will follow shortly with tea."

I nod and takes the toddler's hand to lead him to the living room. He pouts up at Kanda. For some reason he likes him even more than me. Which surprised both of us, regarding I am the one related to him and I was the one who took the most care of him when he was small. Walking off to follow the couple I simply take the child with me. I put him into the play area in the corner of the living room and he immediately grabs the crayons and starts to draw on a white paper. I seat myself heavily on the sofa across from the couple who are cuddling together. Soon Kanda returns with four cups of tea which he places on the coffee table and then sits down next to me, putting an arm around me.

"So what is it you wanted to tell us?" I ask curiously.

"Well, we have great news," Linali beams.

"What? You finally got Komui to stop crying about your marriage?" I grin.

"No," Linali pouts, "That would mean hell would be freezing over."

"Then what?" I cock my head to the side curiously.

"Lina is joining the same club as moyashi-chan is now," Lavi suddenly bursts out grinning.

"What?" I ask dumbfounded while Kanda seems to be thinking for a moment as well, then smiles a small smile.

"Congratulations to you two then."

"What? Hey, what am I missing?" I pout, my brain too muddled over by hormones to think clearly.

But Kanda simply lays a hand on my bulge and looks at me sternly, "What he wants to say is, that Linali is pregnant too."

"Really?" my face lights up.

The girl nods excitedly, laying a hand on her abdomen, "I am about three months along."

"Oh god! Congratulations!" I jump up and throw myself at the girl, tears coming to my eyes.

Lavi looks at me a bit strangely, but Kanda only shrugs, "Hormones. I wish you a lot of fun with that."

"Have you told Komui yet?" I ask cautiously when I have returned to Kanda's arms.

"Only in an E-Mail," Lavi squirms, "We are still waiting for his response. Or his killer robot. We don't know yet."

That causes us all to laugh, well Kanda only smiles, but hey, what do you expect from him.

We continue talking for a while after that. Kanda leaves for some time to bring Aiden to bed. Because of a heavy thunderstorm, Linali and Lavi decide to stay at our house overnight (again). The building is big enough anyway. I think Kanda bought such a big house because I always said I wanted a big family and many kids. Later Kanda and I am laying in our bed, one of his arms around me, the other over our child.

"I can't wait until this little one is born," he murmurs absent-mindedly.

"Neither can I," I smile at him, "I hope she will look like you. I mean Aiden already looks so much like me, so it would only be fair."

He smiles back, "It doesn't matter. We will love her anyway."

"That is true. And any others that might come after her," I lean up to kiss him.

"Yes, each of our children and even the idiot's."

"Even Lavi's, true. I am really not looking forward to when Aiden and one of Lavi's children team up to cause havoc," I grimace at the thought, our troublemaker alone is already enough.

"Urgh, don't make me think of that. We still have a lot of time to go until then. For now you should sleep, moyashi. You need it," he strokes my hair and I cuddle into his arms.

"And you will watch over me as you always do," I say contentedly, already half on my way into dreamland.

"As we will both watch over the other for always."

That is the last thing I hear before I fall into the welcoming slumber. Happy at finally having a complete family and friends, a peaceful life.

* * *

 **~ END ~**

 **That's it. Thanks for reading.**

 **Like I said, the structure (especially the epilogue) is very similar to 'Just to feel alive'. It's just darker.**

 **Hope you liked it nonetheless.**

 **Please review and maybe see you at some other story.**


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